Keep On Keeping On

Lately I have been feeling discontent about a lot of things. And as September comes to a close and October is a mere few days away I think that feeling has intensified. I have been feeling discontent about just life in general. I keep hoping, praying, believing, and working for change in my life. I feel like I need to make this situation that I am in better. There has been progress such as this month when I started working with a local museum but the change is slow and I guess I'm feeling not just discontent but impatient as well. I was hoping that this year would be different than last year just as I had hoped that last year would be different from the year before. Each of the last years has been different but not in ways that I wanted or expected at all. So that is why I feel impatient. I want to be at the point already where I have a goal and a purpose in life. You only go around once and I want for the time that I am here to count for something. And day after day, week after week, month after month it gets harder and harder to see God's plan. There are days where I don't even feel like there is a plan and I am just drifting. But I know that that is not true. I know that there is a purpose as to why I am here and also a purpose for the things that have and have not happened. I just wish that things would go faster! And I think all of this is compounded by the fact that I had hoped to be in a much different place in my life at this time in my life. It is very hard to understand, still, why those plans didn't work and what the plan for the future is. I really don't want Charlotte to be permanent. I really don't want to have to work several part time jobs doing different things to make barely enough money. I don't like living this way. But I realize that even though it could be better, it could be a whole lot worse.

So guess how surprised I was when today I opened my mail and had a new monthly newsletter from Joyce Meyer Ministries. And the first article that I read was entitled "Don't Ever Quit". In the article Joyce talks about how she went through many of the same feelings that I have been experiencing lately. When she was just starting out in her ministry she had a small Bible study and she had that for a long time. She knew God had big plans for her and she wanted to get to the "fun" part sooner than the Lord had planned but she didn't give up on her dreams and she dealt with difficult circumstances all the way through until she got to the realization of the word the Lord had for her. One of the verses she said the Lord kept giving her was Galatians 6:9 "Let us not become weary in doing good for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up." I have had my own experience with people quoting me this verse time after time as if it would make all my feelings go away and give me clarity. It made me mad just like it did Joyce. But then she asked the Lord what He wanted her to get from it and He told her that she need to "just keep on keeping on, and you'll get there." Those words and her experience were an inspiration to me and did help me to just know that it will not always be like this. This time and these experiences are just a pathway to what the Lord has for me to do. Joyce also says," If you are ever going to develop the potential God has put in you, you must make up your mind that you're not going to quit, no matter what, until you see the fruit of what God has placed within you." She goes on to talk about how the Bible speaks of going through purification, sanctification, sacrifice, and suffering. These are not what we would hope or expect to have to go through in life and I don't know that anyone would want to willingly but as Joyce says they help us to become who we need to be "in order to get where God wants us to be." Her parting words are "God wants to do more with your life than you could ever imagine. He will bring you to your full potential and lead you toward your personal Promise Land. But He first has to change you into the person you need to be." That's so true.

I wasn't even planning on opening my mail today but I did. And I wasn't even planning on looking through the Joyce Meyer magazine but I did. And I found just what I needed all of today and right at that moment. I needed some encouragement. Even if I don't know Joyce Meyer, her words were comforting just like those of a good, old friend. And sometimes you need someone to give you a word of encouragement. At times you have to rely on yourself for encouragement but at other times you need someone to help you to see that you will make it and to just believe in you. I don't think I got my mail by accident today or read Joyce's story by accident either. I think it's just the Lord saying to me what He said to Joyce, that I have to keep on keeping on and I'll eventually get there. It's hard right now but this pain will be worth the outcome.

Comeback Curls

Last week I had a meeting uptown at a museum. My mom was concerned that if I went with my natural hair that perhaps I might be judged more on my appearance than on my skills and abilities. As much as I hated to admit it, she was right. There are still people who are not totally cool with natural hair especially in the South. So I went to our hairdresser and I got my curls straightened with a flat iron. My hair to my surprise has stayed straight on its own with very little manipulation from me since last Tuesday when I got it straightened. I intend to see how long it will last on its own. I expected that this past weekend was going to be the end of it but I was still left with straight hair and curls after spending the day in the hot sun. Now I have read a couple of blog posts where girls are saying that they straightened their hair and their curls did not bounce back right away. They haven't said that they got relaxers, just that they straightened their hair. I hope that my curls come back because I really miss them. With my hair straight I feel like I look older, and not in a good way either. I feel that I look younger with my curls and I really hope that there isn't too much of a transition of going from the straight look back to my curly girl look. I'm interested to see how this hair situation unfolds.

Keep Your Eyes on the Right Things

Today was a really great day. I woke up and watched a little of the ceremony at Ground Zero this morning. I still can't believe that it has been 10 years. I was really moved by the reading of the names of those who were killed that day and seeing our past and present presidents joined together with the mourners. Mom and I headed off to church after that. Church today was excellent. I believe that the Lord was speaking to our congregation about trusting Him as well as remembering to align our lives with His word. Sometimes we have no problem filtering out things that we know are not in line with God's word but if we're not careful we allow those things or other things to creep back in and we think that we can get away with it because we've gotten away with it before. But I believe that our time for doing that is wearing thin and will run out. And Pastor Gool's message was entitled "Keeping our eyes on the right things." He was talking about how we need to look to Jesus for all that we need and we don't need to be concerned with what the world is looking at or looking like or what our situations look like but we need to have faith in our Heavenly Father for all that we need. It was a really great message. He spoke about how what we visualize and focus on in life will determine our future and our destiny. We should see ourselves as victorious no matter what our current circumstances are. It was a really great message and made me mindful of things that I need to be more vigilant about in my life. Like not being ruled by my emotions or feelings especially when things don't turn out or look the way that I want them to. Just this evening I was thinking about how much I want my own home and my own community. I desperately want to be plugged in to a community and have my own space. Over the past decade I feel like there have been these periods of disconnect or interruption. I graduated from college after four years, lived at home a year, went to grad school two years. lived in D.C. for two years and then lived in Jersey for a little over a year. Now I am in Charlotte and have been here for the better part of this year unexpectedly. I really desire to have a city, neighborhood, and community that I can plug into and become a part of. I felt like that was happening in Jersey, I just needed the job to be able to have my own space, but I was becoming more and more connected to my church community and the people there before I came here for what I thought was a temporary visit. I hadn't intended to be here as long as I have been or even to look for work and hear back answers but it happened. I just didn't know that was part of God's plan. I was thinking about all of this just a few minutes ago and I was thinking I don't really feel at home here in Charlotte. I narrowed it down to a couple of reasons. First of all I never really wanted to stay in Charlotte. Even when I was a young person I never really wanted to stay in Charlotte, I wanted to move somewhere bigger. Second, I am not really connected to anything in Charlotte at this moment. Right now I am working from home, I don't have the opportunity to connect or socialize with anyone outside of my mother who is generally working from 8 am to 8 pm. So I feel disconnected socially here. And then third, I still am holding on to the hope of being somewhere else, Jersey or New York, preferably but I just have difficulty imagining being in Charlotte for the long run. But it's still too early to tell. Charlotte may be for a year or for years. I have no way of knowing. And if it is the place for me to stay I believe that the Lord will open up more channels of connection for me to have the community and sense of belonging that I would like to have. Also I just thought about something that Pastor Gool said this morning which was that this world is not the permanent home for the Christian believer. Our home is in heaven with the Lord. And so it makes perfect sense in that context why any place would fall short in comparison to being at home with the Lord. I have to work on keeping my eyes on the right things when it comes to where I am. I believe that the Lord knows what is best for me and leads and guides me to the places I need to be when I need to be at them. So for the past year it was New Jersey, and for much of this year it has been Charlotte. I believe that this has been my divine interruption. God knows exactly how to get you to where you need to be. Some things may seem or be inconvenient at the time but I believe that the Lord leads us to what we need rather than what is most comfortable or desirable. So I have to trust that there is something in Charlotte that I need to receive or give while I am here whether that time is temporary or extended.

After church today mom and I went to the Greek festival. I first went to the Greek festival as a 6th grader. And I have loved it and Greek food ever since. I promise I had one of the best gyros I have ever had in my life today. It was delicious! Filled with strips of gyro, tzatziki sauce, onion, lettuce and tomato. Then to go with it I had thick cut Greek fries and a wonderful lemonade, not too tart and not too sweet. With the exception of the almost 100 degree heat it was a wonderful time. I wish I had taken pictures but I forgot. After eating and walking around and doing a tour of the church I got some loukoumades. Lightly fried dough balls with honey and powdered sugar. And mom got a baklava sundae. Then we were pretty much done with our experience and we got some baklava to go. It was a great day. I loved being able to participate in the Greek festival again and I also enjoyed doing something out of the norm.  

The Help

Last weekend I went with my family (mom, dad, granny) to see The Help. I know it's been out for a while but we went last weekend. I wasn't sure what to expect because I am skeptical of movie adaptations of books. In January 2010 I read the book The Help and wrote a blog on that. It was one of the few books that I have read in my life where I just had to keep reading to find out what happened next. I would read it at night and I would find that I had spent several hours more than I intended reading this book. Needless to say I was a fan of the book and hoped that the movie would live up to the expectations set by the strong writing in the book. I feel that it is necessary to say that I liked the book based on just the book itself. I did not view it as an insight into Civil Rights or race relations in early '60s Jackson, Mississippi. I just thought that it was good, fictional writing. I have read and heard several people speak about the fact that the book and the movie subsequently do not explore or give a true voice to black women's struggles in Jackson during that time. And I agree with that. I think that there is no way that Kathryn Stockett would have been able to write or articulate black women's struggles in a way that truly gave them a voice and since she is the only author there was no one to provide a voice for the help but her. She essentially did what Skeeter did, which was to collect experiences from former housekeepers and retell them most likely with some of her own imaginations about those experiences thrown in. So although I don't think that the book or the movie give an indication of the true pre and post Civil Rights era experiences of black women in Mississippi it does a Hairspray-esque job of giving you a picture of some of the trials of black people during that time.

The movie, however, I was very excited about from the first moment I heard about it last year. From the very beginning I thought that Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer would be perfect for Abileen and Minnie. And I was excited to hear that they would be stepping into those roles. I wasn't sure about who the rest of the cast would be but I thought that they did an excellent job of choosing the women and men who filled those roles as well. I enjoyed Bryce Dallas Howard as Hilly Holbrook. She was extremely believable in that role. I wasn't sure how much the film would deviate from the book but I thought that for the most part it stayed in sync with the book very well. I also enjoyed seeing them bring to life the places where the interactions happened, the homes, the town, and the 60s atmosphere. It was really interesting to see that world from the book that Kathryn Stockett grew up in presented visually.

Although I did think that the movie was well done and enjoyed the cast and the story, it was still a tough film to sit through. Because the world that was portrayed on the screen was very real. The use of the n-word, brutality towards black people, the condescending nature of the relationships of white people towards black people at that time, and then seeing these strong black women who were denied the ability to have freedom or education that we now take for granted having to work for measly wages doing back breaking work at times it was just too much to take. And then thinking about the irony of these relationships that were presented. The white families that these women worked for didn't want them to share their bathrooms, use their dishes, or be a part of their community yet they were able to raise their children. And then the fact that many of these children viewed their black maids as mother figures while others had bonded with them early in life only to realize as they got older that their race, money, and power gave them an ability to dominate these women who had once been their primary care givers. There was just so much packed into this movie and so much to look at and examine about the kinds of relationships that existed then and this semi-truthful portrayal of these relationships.

But I did like the examination of characters like Abileen and Minnie. There is a moment when we see them not as maids in someone else's home but as friends and sisters who care for and about one another. I thought their friendship, in the book and in the film, was very touching and very well portrayed. I enjoyed those times where they were able to be themselves and freely express themselves in their own environment without hesitation or caution.

I probably will have to see this movie again to get the full effect of it. I thought that it was well done and although I was not teary eyed at the end like my mom and other women in the theater I was moved by it. I feel like we have come a long way when I look at the kinds of struggles of the women in this movie but I know we have a long way to go also.

Transitions

This week has been a week of a lot going on personally and professionally. Over the weekend my dad was in town for my parents' anniversary and we also went to visit my grandmother. We all went to see The Help (which I will have to blog about the film another time) and then went to my favorite bbq place Courtney's. We had a good time together and it was nice to be back in SC where my grandmother lives and go to her house and see all the photos on the wall and hear about how family we haven't seen in a long time is doing. At the first of the week my oldest male cousin on my mom's side turned 17. I cannot believe he is already most of the way through his teen years and heading off to college next year. I remember when he was born and seeing him at all the different ages and stages of his life. It's just a reminder of how quickly time passes. Then I found out the news yesterday that my grandfather's second wife had passed away after a sudden illness. I think she was in her late 80s or early 90s but news of her passing away brought back memories of my grandfather who has been deceased for 15 years now and just remembering the times that we had with them and with her. She used to race down the road in Warrenton to get us hot dogs or take naps on the couch with one of their several dogs. I found myself wishing that we had been closer and that we had maintained the relationship with her after my grandfather passed away. My mom articulated the same feelings. I think for a while it was tough to even think of going there because of the absence of my grandfather and then it just became one of those trips or visits that you talk about taking but sadly never do. In this past year several family members have passed away or have had serious illnesses and I think it has made me and my family remember how much we need to be there for each other and maintain our relationships with one another. We get caught up in our own stuff for a time and then you get the news that something has happened to someone and with news of someone passing away you realize you have no more opportunities to connect or share with that person. It just made me reflect a lot on my life, the past, present and future, as I think moments like this do.

The next biggest thing was the acceptance I received to work with a museum in Charlotte doing some educational contract work with them. I'm really excited about the opportunity and really glad that they have agreed to bring me on board. But I had the realization that Charlotte is where I am to be, maybe not forever, but at least for now. As I have voiced many times on this blog for a long time it was DC, then it was NY. I never even thought that Charlotte would be an option as a place to live again for me. But like I have said before this may be my Nineveh. The place I don't necessarily want to go or be but the place that the Lord has for me. I'm excited for the museum work and excited for being able to do some work that is in line with my career goals but it is an adjustment accepting that this is where I am going to be doing this work. And it's an adjustment moving on from the hope of living in NY to the reality of living in Charlotte again. Also I've been in visitor mode for a while with Charlotte and now I guess I begin settling in here again once more. I still have so many questions and I am wondering what the Lord is doing with my life. It seems like when I become comfortable with one thing, He moves me on to the next just as I am becoming adjusted. But I am grateful and thankful that I am beginning to see doors opened and possibilities where none existed before. I know that I am still in the trust test and I believe that the Lord will lead me all the way to what His ultimate goal is for me. I am reminded of when I graduated from college and I was trying to find museum work and there were just no options for me here. I grew frustrated and hopeless. I worked jobs I absolutely hated. But then I decided to study for the GRE and apply for grad school and within several months of graduating college I was accepted to my grad program in Ohio. I thought in May after I graduated that if I didn't get a museum job that my life would be over. And the 17 months until I left for grad school were tough. It was not easy going to a job where I felt targeted and set up to fail at times. It was not easy living at home again after four years of freedom. But I made it through it and it was preparation for the next step in my life that I had no idea was coming when I was trying to figure out what to do. The Lord led me then and He is leading me now. But I feel like whatever is on the other side of this is definitely bigger and better. So there will be a period of adjustment before I feel comfortable being here and feel settled here but I will learn during that time and hopefully be prepared for what is to come.

A side note to all the heavy transitions of the week is that I went to my hairdresser here in Charlotte to get my hair straightened for the meeting I had with the museum. It is the longest that it has ever been in my life. I was shocked. When I wash it, it's all curly-fied and I'm fighting the frizz. I've only been able to see how long it is in the back when I stretch the curls to style my hair. But to me this is an indication that going natural was the right thing for my hair because it is healthy and at its best. I'm still in shock over the length and I am trying to preserve it for another meeting on Friday. I had to get use to seeing myself without a natural since that has been my look for a little while now. But I am enjoying seeing the fruits of my labor with all the care and maintanance it takes to keep a natural hair style going. I work harder on my natural hair than I ever did on my relaxed hair! Also I have to share that I cannot get over the excitement and glee on my mother's face when she saw me for the first time with my hair straightened. Although she has not hidden her true feelings about natural hair and her lack of preference for it, she was practically giddy over the straight hair. I just thought it was hilarious that my mom, who tried to wear an Afro back in the 70s, was rejoicing over straight hair. I was thinking, "This is exactly why I wear a natural. It took an hour and a half to straighten my hair. I didn't like the heat. I don't like the smell of my hair being singed by the flat iron. And I feel like the natural me is being rejected when my hair is straightened because it would never look like it does straight on it's own with out being beaten into submission." But it is only a couple of times a year that I go through this process and if my mother enjoys the outcome for however long it lasts, who am I to stop her. It's like the Good and Bad Hair scene from Spike Lee's School Daze. Let me get off of here!