Royal Wedding Watching

Credit:People.com


Oh what a day! It was wonderful! I stayed up all night filled with anticipation. I tried to go to sleep but was unable to. At 4 am I started watching the arrival of the wedding guests. After waiting all night I was anxious for the wedding to just begin but then I started to enjoy seeing all the colorful hats and dresses that everyone was wearing and I was just instantly caught up in the pageantry. I watched at 5 am as the families started to make their way to the church. William and Harry looking dapper in their military uniforms and then the parents, uncles, cousins, and then the Queen and Prince Phillip. I was so excited over the wedding of two people I do not know and most likely will never meet. But I was just happy for them because marriage is a happy occasion, they seem to be really committed and in love with one another, and how often is it that the world comes together to witness a historical event of this magnitude. I think there was a profound sense of just being connected with people around the world watching the same things that I was watching and talking amongst themselves about the dress, the uniforms, the ceremony, and the carriages. It was a very exciting day for the world to be united together to celebrate something happy and uplifting even though there are a lot of horrible things going on in our world today. I was so happy that the weather was beautiful for them and that as they came out there was a beam of sunshine that poured down on the two of them. It was just a really almost "magical" event.

I think my favorite moment of the day was when Prince William and Catherine arrived at Buckingham Palace. William tapped Catherine on the knee gently before getting out and extending his hand to her to help her out. What a romantic moment! It just spoke to me about the fact that this was not just for show but that these are two people who have a history together, who love one another, and who are embarking on creating a life together. It was so nice to have a peak into the very beginnings of that life. I thought that both Catherine and William looked amazing. She was beautiful and looked as though she was born to be a princess and William looked so regal and stately in his red uniform.

It was a very exciting day and well worth holding off falling asleep. I watched it by myself but it was well worth it just to have the memory of this day and to be able to say that I was a witness to it! I can't wait to get my commemorative People magazine!

Congratulations William & Catherine!

Resurrected Dreams

I posted earlier this week about the Easter Sunday service at my church in New Jersey. My pastor's wife prayed for people who needed a resurrection of their dreams and goals. I was listening to her as she described what she meant by that. She quoted a verse that I have been reading on and off for the last several years. That verse is Proverbs 13:12 which says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life." I thought to myself, "Yep. That's where I am and have been for a long time." At first I wasn't going to go but I am so desperate for change in my life that I practically ran up the aisle. But the verse is so true. When you have a dream, goal or vision for your life and it seems to be happening and then doesn't come to fruition it can make your heart sick. You agonize over what did you do and what could you have done differently and why is this happening to you. I used to hear all the time that this is a process that people who are being used by God will go through. And I would think to myself, "Why do I have to be used? Can't I just be normal and have a normal life like everybody else?" But then after more Bible reading and insight from different pastors and teachers I realized it was a very great thing indeed to have God, the creator of the whole universe insert Himself into your life. Often times I think we envision God as being far off and preoccupied with other things but I think that more ofen than not God is involving Himself in the lives of everyday people to help shape, mold, and make them into the best that they could possibly be. It doesn't come without some pain and frustration getting through that process but if you want to live your best life and experience all that God has for you it is a necessity to go through the process. Yesterday I read a chapter in a little book called, "How to Experience More Miracles in Your Life." It is a book by Marilyn Hickey and her daughter, Sarah. Mom and I got this book a couple of weeks ago when we went to hear Marilyn at a local church in Charlotte. The book talks about how to put faith in action through partnering with a ministry. Through partnership you can recieve the blessing that is on that particular ministry and experience miracles in your life. I was reading a chapter about dreams and Marilyn used the example of Joseph, who had the ability to interpret dreams. Joseph seemed to go from bad to worse over the course of 17 years. His brothers wanted to kill him but instead sold him into slavery, then he was accused of raping his master's wife and put into a dungeon, and then when he did a favor for a fellow prisoner they forgot all about him when they got out. Marilyn explained how each of us goes through a similar process to what Joseph went through in our own lives. We have a dream or a goal and we take pride in it. We seem to be headed in the direction of fulfilling that goal when something takes it away for us. For Joseph that was being sold into slavery to the Egyptians. It appeared as if there was not going to be any opportunity for him to fulfill his goals for his life because he was separated from his family and his people and he was going to be in servitude to someone else. Marilyn described this as the "death process". This is the process where it seems that the dream has died. She explained that the dreams we have end up costing us a lot more than we ever think or imagine they will. Often times it is in the death process that people give up and abandon their dreams because it seems as if there is no way for the dream to ever "live" again. Joseph could have certainly given up at any point but he held onto the hope that there would be a way for him to get out of prison and be able to fulfill his dreams. We often will have to give our dreams over to God and "abandon" them for a short time in order to get them back. But the good news is that God is able to resurrect our dreams supernaturally and make them even better than what we thought that they would be. Joseph thought that the cupbearer was his last chance. Maybe at the point that he interpreted the cupbearer's dream and he got out and then Joseph didn't hear from him, Joseph thought to himself, "Oh well. I will just be here doing administration in the prison for the rest of my life." But God had another plan. He positioned Joseph exactly where he needed to be in order for his dreams to be fulfilled and his gifts and talents to be used. The cupbearer did remember him, albeit two years later, and this time Joseph interpreted the dreams of the most powerful man in the world, Pharoah. This led to his being taken out of prison, clothed in the finest linen, Pharoah's own ring being placed on his hand, and a new job most likely better than anything Joseph had dreamed. But the key is that Joseph didn't get there over night he had waited patiently for 13 years and he had proved himself faithful in everything that he was assigned during that time. Even though it didn't look like it he was building up his skills and abilities as an administrator in preparation for his new job as second in command to Pharoah.

I have blogged several times about my own story and how at times I have felt very hopeful that things would change only for them not to work out and I have shared how I have been more than frustrated and upset with the way things were going. I think these are normal emotions to have when you go through things that you don't quite understand. But I do feel that I have not given up. Even when I have tried to something has pulled me back to keeping hopeful that things are going to change. When I read Marilyn Hickey's words about resurretion and was immediately taken back to the previous Sunday and Pastor Gale's words I feel like that was God telling me to hold on and that when the time comes for the dream to be resurrected it won't disappoint me. I look forward to it and am really excited about it. It was almost a year ago that Pastor Dave spoke a word from the Lord into my life about having stability and being planted and that I was not in New Jersey by mistake. So I have tried to hold on to that word and think about it whenever it feels like I have been forgotten and that things are getting worse. Just yesterday I got a rejection email for a job in Boston. Obviously that wasn't the right job or right place for me. And the email even said that it wasn't because I wasn't qualified, it was because I wasn't the most qualified according to them. But God will give me and equip me with all the skills and abilities that I need to be able to do whatever it is that He has called me to do so I am not worried about that.It was 3 years ago in March when my life blew up and fell apart and my dream of living in DC and working for the Smithsonian seemingly died. I was crushed, devastated, hopeless. But I believe that it happened for a reason because I needed to learn things about myself, change things about myself, and also be in a position to experience better. I believe that the dream that I had was a good one but possibly not the best that I could have and so I think I experienced a setback in order to be setup for a comeback. I probably wouldn't appreciate what is going to happen in the future near as much as I will now because it has been such a grueling process in order to get to it. But I am really thankful and grateful for what I have been through in order to get to where I am going. i believe that my dreams are being resurrected!

Get Comfortable With Not Knowing

In the last post I talked about how my pastor's wife, Gale, prayed for people who needed a resurrection of their dreams, hopes, and goals. I went up because I am one of those people. I had time today to do some introspective thinking as melancholic personalities are known for. I was thinking about all the things going on around me and how I feel so out of control about so many things in my life. I was in and out of consciousness today because I got maybe 7 hours of sleep between Friday and Monday. But I did here a portion of a Joyce Meyer message called Hold Your Peace that spoke about if you want to have peace, you have to be okay with not knowing. I thought about what she was saying. To me what she was saying was that we often are unhappy and frustrated because we need an answer, we need a game plan, and we need to know. But Joyce was saying that we need to stop getting frustrated if God has not revealed it to us yet because we are on a need to know basis with God. If we need to know God will tell us. Joyce related how she used to feel that as long as she thought she knew what was going on that she felt fine but it was all in her mind. I can so relate because as long as I knew what was going on in my life and was sticking to a plan things were okay. When things didn't go according to plan then I got all out of joint about it and was upset. But a big part of what I have been going through in the last 3 years has been about trusting God and not trusting myself. I can't trust myself or anyone else because only God has all the answers. I can't be stressed out or upset over things that I can't control. It was such a good message and so timely too. Joyce also said to stop trying to figure out what God's will for your life is just relax and trust that He will reveal it to you at the right time. I have been trying to figure this out for over a year. I thought I knew for sure at one point what God's will was for my life but I think it was what I was willing for my life. Now that that plan has long disappeared I know that I need to be open to what God will do. As Joyce shared in her message I believe that there is change coming to a lot of people's lives. I believe that God has a task and assignment for me that may have absolutely nothing to do with what I want to do and if I knew what it was I would be incredibly intimidated and think that I couldn't do it. But I think that part of the process to getting to the point of being accepting of what God has called me to is learning to trust Him when I can't hear, see or feel Him and also learning to let go and relax knowing that He is in control and I am not. It goes against my personality completely but I know that I have to let go of my flesh and my need to constantly figure things out so that I can live a life filled with the best that God has to offer and that makes it a necessity. I want peace and stability in my life. I want to accomplish what I was put on this earth for. I also don't want to live a sub par version of my life. I want to experience the best in every area and live a life of abundance and overflow so I am not so consumed with the day to day things of life but am able to be concerned with much more than that in order to help my family, to help people, and to support causes and organizations, not be worrying about there only being two squares of toilet paper left and how am I going to make them last until payday. Plus I know that God does not want any of His children living in lack like that. We all make decisions that can be good or bad when it comes to our finances and other life choices that impact our lives but God's heart is for His children to all they need and more. So I really believe that He wants to bless us with so much that we don't know what to do with it and therefore have plenty enough to share with those in need and to help accomplish the things that He has called us to be a part of. I am not worried about when I will "arrive". I know I will get there but I do need to enjoy the getting there and not feel the pressure to find out as soon as possible. I believe it is already worked out anyway because I have prayed about it and I know that God hears my prayers. Maybe I don't get the answers as quickly as I would like to but I know that there is an answer on the way. Everything is going to be alright and change will come exactly when it is meant to come.

There and Back Again

Friday Ma and I left out to spend Easter weekend with my dad. We left super early in the morning just in time to get caught in a traffic jam outside of Richmond that lasted until right outside DC. I got to drive from Richmond to Woodbridge, NJ. It was a fun ride and despite the rain and fog it was a good day for a trip. We arrived at my dad's apartment by 11pm. The next day we got up and headed to New York to go to the Museum of the City of New York for the Apollo exhibition that is currently there. My dad got a little lost and we ended up taking a scenic view through The Bronx to get to Harlem. I got to see Castle Hill Ave which is the area of The Bronx that Jennifer Lopez grew up in. Once we made it to Harlem we were fortunate enough to score street parking in front of the museum which was nice especially because it was raining. We spent about two hours in the museum exhibition which was nice because my mom and I like to read every panel and study every object. So we had time enough to leisurely walk through and do that. The exhibition was awesome and I enjoyed seeing something that I had worked on when it was in the concept stages actually put together. This exhibition was the first exhibition that I worked on that I actually got to see become something tangible. I also got to see some of the items that I found and some of the information that I found as well. It was a great experience.

From the museum we headed up to Red Rooster Harlem the new restaurant by Marcus Samuelsson, winner of Top Chef Masters last year (2010). We arrived shortly before they were transitioning to dinner so we could only sit at the cocktail tables. Dad had the Red Rooster burger, Ma had the lamb and sweet potato hash and I had the Helga's Meatballs. I think we all enjoyed our dishes but the portion sizes were rather tiny and overpriced. I got about 5 meatballs, a dash of mashed potatoes, and some lignonberry sauce. I was ready for another meal when we left the table. My friend LaTannia informed me that next time I can go to IKEA and get the same thing with more of a serving for 4.99. So I will have to do that next time. Also I plan to have more income in the future and hopefully I can go back to Red Rooster and it won't be such a big deal.

From Red Rooster we headed to Magnolia Bakery in the West Village. I had told my mom about the cupcakes there and she had wanted to try them previously during some of her visits but we always ran out of time. So we got out and my dad parked and waited. Mom and I had about a 15 min wait to get into Magnolia, apparently other people wanted some cupcakes too. After Magnolia we headed back to Jersey. I think we were all just tired and we didn't have a clear plan of what we wanted to do. So we stopped off at the movie theater on the way home intending to see Soul Surfer but the next showing wasn't til almost 10 o'clock. So we ended up seeing Rio instead and it was so cute! I haven't seen an animated film in a while but I really enjoyed Rio and I also liked that we got to see it in 3D as well. All in all a great day.

That night we went home and I was reminded of how good I have it in Charlotte. One I have a nice semi-comfy bed to crawl into at the end of the day instead of the sectional sofa that makes my shoulders, neck and back feel like they are in knots. Then I also have my own room here where I don't get disturbed by everyone trapsing through the living room, turning the lights on, or going to the bathroom. I was so uncomfortable and barely slept more than 4 hours each night I was there.

The next day was Easter/Resurrection Day. I was so happy to be at Love of Jesus Family Church and see my friends and Pastor J. We had an awesome service and we all received something we needed there. It was an awesome message and it was just a great time. After church we went to Red Lobster for dinner which was nice except everyone was there for lunch too. So we had to wait a while for a seat and then the server we had was spread to thin over too many tables. But I was thankful for it. I had lobster rolls and they were good, small but good. I enjoy good lobster and for a chain restaurant it was decent lobster.

We got home just before a horrible thunderstorm hit. We ate the rest of our Magnolia goodies and vegged out on the sofa. Later on I got to talk to my bestie for an hour and after that tried to get as much sleep as possible. But 6 am was here before I knew it. And mom and I were off again. I cannot even imagine that I have slept on that sofa for a year and I pray that the Lord won't make me go back to it. I have expereinced better in the last three weeks and I want to keep moving up higher!

Mom and I succesfully got out of New Jersey and Delaware. We switched over in Delaware and I drove through Maryland to DC. We stopped in DC and got lunch at Ben's Chili Bowl. It was so good! I cannot tell you when the last time I had had a half-smoke was. But it was so good and it brought back good memories of being in DC. But I can honestly say that I don't miss DC anymore. I truly want to be where I am supposed to be wherever that is New Jersey, New York or even Charlotte but of course my prayer is for New York, specifically Brooklyn! But I have come a long way in that the hurt and the pain I used to have over DC is no longer there because I have accepted that DC was not for me and I believe that the Lord has something better for me than DC could possibly offer.

After DC we came on through Virginia and made it back home shortly after 9 pm. So we had a very action packed weekend but a very good weekend. I enjoyed it very much. And I had my hope and faith renewed. Pastor Gale prayed a special prayer for the resurrection of dreams, goals, and visions for the lives of people who have been in a time of waiting which spoke specifically to me and what I needed. I really believe that there is a transition up ahead and it may not look like what I have envisoned it to be but I believe it will be the open door to my dreams and goals that I have been waiting for. I am so ready!

8 months and 13 days

That is how long it will be until I am 30! I look at my life and I think, "Man, I need a miracle!" I am totally not where I thought I would be on the verge of 30. I thought I would have been working in a museum for going on 4 years. I thought I might be working towards a doctorate by now or at least have gotten my certification in Museum Studies. I thought I might have a two bedroom apartment by now. I thought I would still be in DC. I thought I would have been to Santorini by now. And many other less superficial things also. The gist of it is I thought that life at 29 almost 30 would have been going much better than it is at the present moment. This week was rough. I have been on and off in terms of feelings this past week but the last two days for sure where difficult. I am still in Charlotte and still waiting to see if there will be a shift in my life from NJ to Charlotte or whether I will get my wish which is to leave both and move to NYC and have a fabulous job (fingers crossed). This week was tough because several days this week I had to run errands for my mom and I had to do chores around the house. While doing these things I was thinking what happened in my life that I am running errands in the middle of the day or doing my mom's laundry. I'm supposed to be in meetings about exhibitions, researching fabulous concepts for cultural institutions, or doing something else more stimulating than laundry and grocery shopping. That made me sad. I just couldn't shake it. Then on Wednesday we went to church and Pastor Gool was preaching about how everyone is unique and God has a plan for every body's life. God is not happy when we're broke and when we're unhappy and sad. That was nice to hear but I was still just down in the dumps because nothing in my life reflects anything that points to what he was talking about. I think that I was subconsciously thinking about my recent rejection from the museum that I wanted to work at. I think I was upset about it but I had put on a happy face about it because that's what you're supposed to do. When you're sad and disappointed everyone tells you to be happy, cheer up, don't worry about it, and something better will come along. But that is because they have jobs and they don't live with their parents.I think primarily I was feeling so down this week because I just felt useless. The things I was assigned to do were because I wasn't doing anything else, because I had the time, because I could do them. That in itself is depressing because I don't have anything to do. I look for jobs but that isn't something that anyone besides me is depending on. I do my quiet time but again the beneficiary is me not anyone else. So then that started me to thinking that there is nothing that anyone depends on me for. There is nothing that anyone needs or requires from me. There is nothing that someone thinks, "Oh, I must talk to her about that because she will/can help me with that." Nope not one person. That is a horrible feeling. So if I wasn't feeling useless before thinking those things I was certainly feeling them after. But I know that Pastor Gool is right. God made me for something good. I wouldn't be here if He didn't intend for me to do something. But what is that something that I was put here for. I use to think that it was museum work now I can say that I am only slightly sure that that is what I am supposed to do. I can say that there is nothing else that I believe that I can do other than museum work. Museum work fits my skills and abilities. I would be terrible doing anything else. Okay so I am supposed to be doing museums. But all the museum jobs that I have applied for in the last 3 years have been slammed doors. What does that mean? Aside from the recession, what does that mean? Either I am too qualified or under qualified. If I am under qualified then how am I ever to qualify if I can't get one decent job to gain experience at doing something? These thoughts are what propelled me to thinking about how time is quickly ticking away and I am going to wake up in 8 months and 13 days and I am going to be in a new decade of my life. I really do not want to leave my twenties and enter my thirties living with either of my parents. I love them but it is time for my life and their lives to be separate from each other. I don't want to be broke on my birthday. I don't want for my celebratory piece of Lindy's cheesecake to cost me half my net worth! And I definitely do not want to be jobless as I enter my thirties. I feel that unemployment is a huge failure. I think that partly that is my own thinking and it is partly what society tells us to think. We live in a society where so much of who we are comes from what it is we do. People ask you all the time, "What do you do?" And if you say, "I'm unemployed. I'm looking for a job," they give you the obligatory head tilt and sympathetic, "I'm sorry." But I think what they really think is, "I'm glad it's not me." Who are you if you don't have anything to do? I know that individuals are more than what they do, I am more than what I do. But do people in this day and age really see that or understand that? I don't think so. So all this has me thinking, I really want and need my life to change in the next 8 months. I don't want to be plagued by the problems of the last three years into the next decade of my life. I really am praying for, hoping for, and believing for there to be a divine intervention in my life because I don't want to be here anymore. I want out! However, there is some hope for 30. In the Bible Joseph was released from prison, got married and had children by the age of 30 after getting out at 27, David became king at 30 and Jesus started his earthly ministry at the age of 30. 30 is not so bad and for these Biblical heroes 30 was the new beginning to the lives they were called for. So I will hope for that. I will hope that 30 will be the beginning of the life that I was called for rather than a continuation or time for panic about the life that I have been living. Everything will be alright! I really believe that it will. I think that for me it gets hard to shoulder all of this sometimes especially since I mostly keep it bottled up inside. Everyone in my life is too busy with work or other things for me to be able to talk to anyone about these things so they do get backed up and then just come pouring out in this geyser of emotions. I will be fine. Things will work out. And I expect for thirty to be the start of good things. I have skills and abilities that no one else has and I was put here on the earth to do with them something that no one else can do in the way that I can. So I find comfort and solace in that.

That's Progress

Last week I applied for a job in Manhattan at a museum that I would really like to work at, okay I would work at any museum that would have me at this point, but I really would like to be a part of this one. So anyway I applied for a job that I felt that I was qualified for and capable of doing last week at this particular museum. I was hoping that I would hear something back at least that they received the application and maybe whether or not it was being considered. Today I opened up my email and I saw that I had an email from the person in charge of screening candiates. As you can imagine I was filled with excitement. Even if it was an email saying that my information had been received that would be better than nothing. So I opened up the email and saw that they had received my application and that unfortunately I had not been chosen for this position. Sadness! But on the otherhand I was extremely excited about the reply because I think it is the first personal reply I have gotten in more than a year that simply said thank you for applying but you were not selected. It really does make a difference when they take the time out of their schedules to simply say, "Thanks, but no thanks."

I have lamented to my mother over the last year about how frustrating the process of job hunting is because many organizations simply do not respond. I know that with millions of people looking for employment many agencies are overwhelmed and with business costs being stripped constantly they may not be able to mail everyone a letter but it makes a big difference in the process and in the morale of the job seeker when you apply for a position and someone has the courtesy to respond and tell you what the final outcome is. Many times I have applied for a job and simply just not heard back and I have to go on the assumption that if they have not responded within a certain amount of time to just give up on the hope of getting that position. But at least when there is a reply you can know what the outcome is and move on not expecting that there may still be a shred of hope left that they may call or email you. So I am disappointed I wasn't able to get the job but I am thrilled that I actually got a response!

They Picked Who?

Earlier today my mom and I were talking about an article that she saw in People magazine where they were announcing a new film about the life of Cleopatra to star Angelina Jolie. There was a pole as to who should play Marc Antony and all of the actors listed in the pole were white actors. I have nothing against Angelina Jolie, loved her in Girl, Interrupted, Mr. and Mrs. Smith and The Bone Collector. But I think that it is time that Hollywood recognizes that it is a big let down every time there is a role that should go to a black actress that ends up going to a white actress or actor instead. For instance earlier this year there was a movie called The Prince of Persia starring Jake Gyllenhaal. Jake does not look Persian to me. And a tan and some brown hair is not enough to convince me that he could fill in for someone who is Persian.

I think a lot of African American men and women like myself are ready for there to be an accurate representation of culture when it comes to films. As an article on CNN's entertainment blog pointed out past incarnations of Cleopatra have been Claudette Colbert, Vivien Leigh, and Elizabeth Taylor. All fine actresses but none of them phenotypically fit the part. Cleopatra lived in the desert! She had melanin! I also know that these actresses portrayed Cleopatra in a time when it was common to a) deny African Americans leading roles in major films and b) when it was believed as common knowledge that Africa as a continent had no past and that Egypt although a part of Africa had a separate history aside from that of the rest of the continent. I know this because I taught it to college freshman for two years as a part of being a teaching assistant for African Civilization courses. Africa does in fact have a very glorious past that did not happen from the time Europeans stepped foot on the continent but was in full force centuries before they arrived. So I understand the world in which these white actresses were considered perfect for the role of Cleopatra. However, it is 2011 and we know better and can do better. Earlier I tweeted my short list of candidates for Cleopatra they include: Halle Berry, Sanaa Lathan, Thandie Newton, Alicia Keys, Gabrielle Union, Paula Patton, and Zoe Saldana. I truly believe that any of these women would be a "fresh" choice for Cleopatra because it is a) more historically accurate than Angelina and b) more culturally correct and significant than the choice of Angelina. Cleopatra for all intents and purposes was an African woman. We have no way of knowing what she looked like but I think to give a more fair view of what she could have looked like the producers, directors, and script writers should have considered a woman of color.

I think I am also showing my own sensitivity to this topic because of things that I recently learned while having another discussion at another time with my mom. I was talking to mom about this exhibition called RACE at Discovery Place in Charlotte, NC. It is a search to find if there is any genetic difference to each race and what makes us different and the same. I have not been but several of my mother's co-workers have. At the end of the exhibition that these co-workers went to there was a time for discussion. Several members of the audience who were white, when asked if they felt that the South had good relationships between the races and a tolerance for diversity, cited the fact that when they were growing up they had black maids and cooks in there homes. Yeah they did! In 2011 in Charlotte, NC the evidence of positive race relations to some people is that they had black servants in their homes as children. What does that have to do with the price of tea in China? It is a crazy notion but that is where we are. I am sure that to some people there is nothing wrong with the example of the black servant in the home being an example of diversity. The servants were trusted enough to be in the home and to perform tasks that require trust such as cooking some one's food and being trusted with their worldly goods but it is all the issues behind the very reason that these men and women had to be servants and cooks that is the problem. Maybe they liked their jobs but they probably had other aspirations. Had they been given the opportunities that racism and segregation withheld from them I am sure that they would have been doing something else. That is what is so bothersome about this example is the fact that the people who used this as their example completely missed the big picture of why there were even black servants in their home. I would definitely like to see if a black person would use the example of a white servant in their home during childhood as an example of racial diversity in the South.

I just think that when it comes to making films that portray history and minorities that there should be just as much effort to make these films as historically accurate as films that do not portray historical events involving minorities. If there were a film about FDR and he was portrayed by James Earl Jones, then maybe I could see a Cleopatra starring Angelina but we have not reached that day yet. I just think that credit should be given where credit is due and that the choice of Angelina as Cleopatra should be seriously reconsidered. Or at least switch it up and make Marc Antony Denzel!

The 100th Post!!!!!!!!

Yay! I finally made it to 100 posts! I am very excited about this milestone. Mainly because when I started blogging it was because I had read a book (Consider Lily) where the main character started a blog and I thought it would be something fun to do as well as a way to keep track of all the things that were going on in my life. And boy all the things that have and for that matter haven't been going on. It is very fitting that like the first post which found me in transition between one place and the next and not knowing exactly what the future held that is once again where I find myself. Today I learned some news that kind of rocked my world. I learned that there may be another move in my dad's future with his job that would take him away from New Jersey and therefore leaving me with a choice to make of where I would live either staying in New Jersey with a job (Lord willing), moving to Kentucky (my absolute-have-no-other-choices option) or moving in with Mom in Charlotte. So much all at once. As I was explaining to mom I feel like I just got settled and comfortable in New Jersey. I love my church there and I love my friends there and I like New Jersey. I really want to have stability and community and to put down some roots. I don't like moving all over the place and living out of a suitcase and pulling up stakes every two to three years, it's just not ideal or what I desire. I also think of it like this. I never was intending to move from Washington, DC, that caught me completely off guard. And so it was traumatizing leaving D.C. as well as moving to New Jersey and living with my dad. So over the course of the last year I was able to make peace with all that and have finally started getting connected with the people that I know in Jersey. I don't want to leave and I feel like if I have to I want for that to be my next move. I feel like if I move to somewhere that I don't want to be then that means there would be another move ahead of me or I would be stuck in this place that I really don't want to be. But I believe that there is a plan in all of this. I believe that what looks like the end of the world to me could really be the open door that I really need and have been waiting for. Perhaps my dad will move and I will stay or maybe we both may move but not to the same place. Maybe he'll go off to Kentucky and maybe I will relocate to another city like New York or Boston. Who knows? I really feel that there are plenty of possibilities in this. So I intend to really seek and listen to what the Lord is saying and I believe he will provide for me. I believe that there is a place in this world for all of us and that he will lead me to mine. And I believe that He knows how badly I really want to have my own friends, home, and community. I don't want this gypsy life that I have had for going on two years now. I feel like there is the potential for the word the Lord spoke to me last year to come to fruition in this situation. I don't think that it is all bad or that there is more of a long road in store. I believe that there will be positive change ahead and a turn in the tide. Out of the winter season and into the summer! So I just need to hold fast to the word and believe that God will and can supply every need that I have and in this case I have every need because I literally have nothing to begin a new life on my own but I know that God can provide it. So I am welcoming this change, should there be one, because it is not definite that it will happen but I know that my dad would like for it to happen because there is a lot of potential for him to be in a better work and financial situation because of a move but you know I have learned that in walking with God we are to expect the unexpected. This news was completely unexpected and I have only had a few hours to adjust to the fact that it is real and not a possibility but that steps and actions are being taken to see that it happens. So all I can do at this point is pray that the Lord will intervene and will make a way where there is no way and if what I want to happen doesn't happen for whatever reasons then I just have to pray for the grace to get through whatever does happen. Transition is never easy and in this case I don't know if it will be something I will welcome or not but I know that God does have a great future in mind and in store for me according to Jeremiah 29:11 and so I will trust God's word and His promises to me. And I guess I will have some more interesting blogs to write in the future! ;)

My Tax Season Miracle

April 18 as I am sure everyone knows is the deadline to file taxes. Well I have been working on my tax information and found out that I owed the government actually a small amount of money this year which was great but the problem was that I didn't have any money to pay them. I worked some last month and in February but I had to use that money for bills and expenses that I had. So I was wondering how in the world would I be able to afford the tax stuff. I needed to pay the tax preparation service for my federal and state taxes and then I needed to pay the amount that I owed the government. Last week at church Pastor Gool prayed for those of us in need of a financial miracle this week. I too was praying for a miracle of 110.00 by Monday at 11 pm. That's what I would need to take care of everything related to my tax filing. Well this afternoon my mother went to get her and my dad's taxes taken care of and in the course of discussing the matter with her CPA it was discovered that I would be able to have my taxes combined with my parents' and therefore would not have to file separately or have to worry about how to pay all the money that I owed. I got better than 110.00, I got a taken care of completely blessing! I was thrilled at this news and just so thankful that the Lord answered my prayer. I am so relieved and just thankful that God didn't provide just enough to help me make it through the situation but completely took care of the situation for me so that I don't have to worry about filing an extension or trying to figure out a way to pay the money that I owed. I'm just so thankful and so happy that this all worked out. It feels good to know that the Lord cares about everything in our lives, even our paying our taxes!

Are You Going to Watch THE Wedding?

For the past several months there has been a slow build of heightened sensation surrounding the royal wedding. With less than two weeks to the event you can literally here the wheels grinding in the media to supply the world with all the information that it possibly can. However, one person this week was less than thrilled at the bombardment of all the royal wedding info that has been pouring out into the press. Surprisingly that person is Jerry Seinfeld! Jerry was promoting his upcoming summer stand up concert in London on a British morning chat show when he shocked them with denouncing the royal wedding as a circus act I think that one it was just plain rude for him, an American to go to another country and defile their admiration and love for their monarchy and also for him to make these announcements so close to the date of the event. Of course the hosts of the show were less than thrilled at Jerry's outburst. And they said they were tired of these Americans coming over and speaking negatively about the royal family. First of all Jerry Seinfeld does not speak for all of America yet he is representing that American obnoxiousness that seems to be known the world over. The sense that Americans feel they are better than everyone else on the planet and can do and say whatever they want to, a privilege not just felt by multi-millionaires like Jer. But does Jerry have a point? What makes the royals special. Once upon a time say over a century ago there was a validity to the monarchy in Britain because the king effectively was the head of state and ruled the nation. However, the royal family now is at best a figure head or a relic of times gone by. I get that. But does that mean that they should be belittled or vilified? I don't think so. I will definitely be up early in the morning watching all of the splendor that the royal wedding will surely be. I think for me personally that it goes back to being a little girl and dreaming of being a princess The clothes you would wear if you were a princess, having whatever you wanted when you wanted it, having a crown or a tiara, and of course the handsome prince. If you grew up in the age of Disney princess movies that inspired these kinds of unrealistic aspirations then you know what I am talking about. How often is it that a regular little girl grows up to be a real princess? Princess Grace, Queen Noor, Lady Diana, and probably a handful of other women in the 20th century actual lived the dream. But for the rest of us it is that, a dream. So watching Kate or Catherine take a walk down the isle in a way is a way of seeing what that dream looks like in real life. My mother watched Diana's wedding and later this month the two of us will get to watch it together. Who knows I may even be watching William and Kate's child's wedding with my own daughter some day, it could happen. But I think it is a chance to have a glimpse into a world and an event that rarely happens. How often does a future king of England get married? And with the technological capabilities of the 21st century you will have to try very hard to miss this event unless you are asleep. So it will be one of those events that is shared the world over like the Olympics. I look forward to it and I think that deep down Jerry might be looking forward to it too or at least can relate on some level. Jerry is a multi-millionaire with a successful comedy career and syndicated television show.His wealth has given him access to many things that the average Joe would not be able to enjoy in their lifetime. Good for Jerry. But what if Jerry worked in a cubicle in an office 9-5, Monday through Friday, and had to figure out a way to get through the month in the black while paying for increasing gas and food costs. Thanks to his amazing wealth he does not have to concern himself with such things but for the rest of us we might like a couple of hours just to have access into a world where few go and to see an event that will last with us a lifetime. It's his business if he watches or not but is it necessary to rain on everyone's parade? I believe that he is definitely in the minority when it comes to the royal wedding. I think we are all looking forward to seeing the dress, the carriage, the royals in their posh attire, and hearing all the details of the event.

What Happend to the Nightly News?

Over the past two weeks I have been watching the nightly news pretty diligently because of all of the things that have been going on with the government. So I have continued watching throughout this week as well because mom doesn't have cable here and I can't just flip over to CNN to see the news crawl like I normally would. So the first story on ABC World News this evening was about the President (Obama) speaking at a dinner held yesterday evening for people who are supporting him for his next campaign for President. He was speaking while his mic was hot and the comments made it to the press. Then in a review of past president's being caught off guard ABC World News ran clips of our former presidents making off handed comments that they did not know were going to be picked up by their microphones and then reverberated through the press. Several of those incidents involved the presidents using some language that had to be edited out. One of the incidents came from former President Bill Clinton. His clip showed him using the Lord's name in vain and to my surprise, especially for the evening news, it was not edited out but instead played unedited and with captions in order to read exactly what he was saying. I thought to myself what has happened to the news? Why is it possible for the evening news that I think of as a seemingly safe program to watch even becoming littered with speech that I am sure many Americans, not just Christians would find offensive. Have we lost that much of our filter? Are the restrictions that loose now? I find it sad that you can barely trust any form of media these days because there may be a word or a phrase thrown in there that will completely catch you off guard. And the most shocking part to me is that words that used to be considered off limits for the general public during viewing hours when families would watch television are creeping their way in. Where does it end? It is really bothersome that these kinds of things keep happening. This is not the first time I have been blindsided by language that I thought you couldn't use on TV but I realize that it has slowly and progressively working its way in for years. It's just sad to see and I hope that things will get better and not worse as far as these kind of incidents are concerned.

Get Happy/Happy Days Are Here Again

One of my favorite TV moments ever! Although I was not born until almost two decades after it happend. But I love Judy and Barbra together! a great pick me up!

My Place in This World

This blog was going to be called, "Anywhere But Here." However, as I thought about that title that is not what my true feelings are. I don't wish that I was anywhere but here I wish I was where I am supposed to be. I still can't say that I know where that is yet. I feel as if I have been searching for my place in this world all of my life (insert Michael W. Smith song here). I have had the opportunity to be a part of some great groups of people but sooner or later those groups dissolved or I was no longer a part of the groups. Then it was on to the next thing. And I would think that I had once again found my group, the place where I belonged, the people that I thought I would develop close, life long relationships with and so on. But time after time that didn't happen it lasted for a while and then it was over. My heart's desire is for stability, community, relationship, fellowship, communion, and connection. I feel like those things are the number one things missing from all of the places that I have lived. And I am still searching for it when it seems that so many people have found it. I know that when I transitioned to New Jersey that I was thinking that it would only be a couple of months and then I would be back in D.C. but that was not to be. I left D.C. and for the most part with a few exceptions do not have any connections to the city where I lived for almost 3 years. Now I have been in New Jersey almost 2 years and I can't say that it is the place where I know that I belong. I know that I am supposed to be there for now but will I be there forever? I would like to be and my true hope is that some day I'll make the move over to NYC. But I don't know if that is the place for me either. A lot of things started me thinking about this idea of place and where I belong. I won't share the initial reasons but one of them was the fact that I have expanded my job search outside of New Jersey and New York just in case I was limiting myself from opportunities that might be out there that would be good for me. I am, of course, trusting the Lord to lead me and guide me to where I am supposed to be but I really desire and want to know where that is. I really want all of those things that I listed above and I have wanted them for a long time. It hasn't been recently that I have thought about how much I desire to be a part of and belong to a community or circle of friends. I have had the pleasure of observing it many times and being on the cusp of it but not actually fully enjoying it on my own, but I would love to. I thought that it would happen in college, then I thought it would happen in graduate school, then I thought it would happen in D.C. and I am still waiting to find out if it will happen in New Jersey.

But I began to think about it today because I applied for a job in Boston. I love Boston. I lived there for about 3 months one summer in graduate school. I didn't have a lot of money so I didn't get to explore it as much as I wanted to but I made some really good friends there who were extremely nice to take care of me and look out for me. And as I was applying for the job I began to get excited about the prospect of Boston. Maybe it will be the place for me but maybe not. Nonetheless I am so ready to get to the place where I belong and the people that I belong with. And I think or rather know that the Lord knows this. Part of the prophecy I received last year was that I would have the stability that I crave. And that came from the Lord I don't remember praying or asking for stability or using those words but He knew exactly what I was feeling. And that is what I want. I want stability in my life. I want to move to the place where I am going to spend the rest of my life I don't want to live like a gypsy moving from place to place, sleeping on people's couches or being a guest in my parents' homes. I want my own home and my own bed and my own community. I desire it so much and want it so much at times I just can't stand it. But I know I have to be patient. I know it will happen and I know that I will be more than satisfied when it does. I just want to be there now! Uggh! But wherever I am going I feel the Lord is preparing me for it and I want to go to that place prepared not unprepared or caught off guard so I have to be patient with the process and know that it will happen on the Lord's timing and not mine.

The Lord keeps letting me know that He is near as well. Today I was reading a Bible study in my quiet time and one of the passages that was read tonight at Wednesday night service was that same verse. I love it when that happens. I feel like it is just confirmation for me that I am on the right track and that the word that I am reading isn't just words on a page but that there is something that I need to gain and learn from it. So I know that things are working out and I know that everything is going to be alright as Kenneth Copeland said last week and I know that God will work things out for my good and that I will get to my place in this world.

A Year In Review

Last night I was up and bored and that led to me being curious. I started wondering what I was doing this very same time last year. So thanks to my wonderful blog I could go back to last April and see what I was thinking last year around this time. Well I laughed hysterically when I read about my trip to David's Bridal to try on my dress for my cousin's upcoming wedding and the trauma of realizing exactly how much weight I had gained. Fast forward a year and I am still not where I want or need to be but I am not as heavy as I was this time last year. I am not eating my feelings as much as I was then. Also the cousin whose wedding I was preparing for then is preparing for a baby now about one month after she celebrates her one year anniversary with her husband. It is amazing how life goes by so fast. Last year this time I was facing many of the same issues: needing a job, not knowing where my life was headed, frustrated with the lack of call backs and job prospects. But also a year ago in May was when the Lord spoke to me and told me that I would have the things that I wanted and needed. That helped me to trust Him more and me less as well as not to be so afraid and frustrated at how long the process was taking. It's a year later and things have not progressed as fast as I hoped that they would. Quite honestly I gave up the job hunt in September of last year due to frustration and lack of opportunities. But I was rejuvenated at the start of the year and have applied for several positions. Whether I get them or not I leave up to the Lord but I know that He has a perfect plan and will for my life and as long as I do what I can He will show up and do what I can't.

I can't help but be brought back to the story of Joseph which Marilyn Hickey spoke about last week. I am sure there were years and months where Joseph looked at his situation and thought to himself that he thought he would have been out of prison by this time this month or this time this year. Oddly enough I have been thinking lately that a lot of the time I too feel like I am in a prison. Not the same kind of deal that Joseph had but the fact that I feel so confined. I want to break out and be free but I am constricted by a lack of money and resources. I want to go out and do things and be a part of life. I spend most of my time alone and I spend my days inside. I am going to try to change what I can about this. I don't have access to a car but I can walk. Maybe in walking around the neighborhood, I'll meet a friend or two, who knows. Maybe I won't but at least it would be a change in scenery. I use the excuse all the time in New Jersey that I don't go outside because of all the strange people who creep me out that live in my apartment complex but here it feels different and I feel reasonably safe walking around the neighborhood. So I need to get on that. But admittedly I would rather be somewhere else. I would rather have my own apartment, my own car, my own job, my own groceries, my own everything else. And it is difficult to be at this age and stage and be dependent on one's parents especially when I've been working on not being dependent on my parent's help for the last 10 years. The goal of college and grad school and moving to a different city were based on the idea of self-sufficiency and independence. It is very hard to look at the efforts that I put into attaining both of those things and seeing that they have not worked yet. It is very difficult. But I know that this is not my final destination. I will get out of this proverbial prison. I will have freedom and independence once again. And I will have a new appreciation for it as well. I will most likely relish paying my utilities and going grocery shopping (okay I never hate going grocery shopping, it is one of my favorite things to do) but I will nevertheless enjoy it once again. I am believing for a season of abundance and prosperity. I am believing for great things in the future. I have to believe that at least some of the jobs that I have been turned down for where not because I wasn't qualified but because there was something better for me in the future. I really like to hope and think that I am aiming too low for myself and that God has something higher for me that I can't even invision myself doing because it would seem impossible for me to be doing the thing that He has for me to do. I like to think that it's not so much something big and important, although it could be, but I like to think that it is something so challenging and rewarding that it would almost seem like a true dream come true to be able to do what it is He has for me. I look forward to seeing what the future holds. I still don't know what I am called to do or what my purpose is. I felt that I had a very clear purpose for my life about 4 years ago but since then it has drastically changed or I have taken the road less traveled to get there. I don't know if the vision of 4 years ago is still the vision for today or if it will change. But I know that whatever happens I want to be doing what God has placed me here to do. I blogged in January about Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s Mountain Top Speech in Memphis the night before he was assassinated. He spoke in the speech about having accomplished the work that God had sent Him to do. He had in fact accomplished what he was sent to do and that is the most rewarding thing I think that each of us can do. I know right now at this very moment in my life that I have not accomplished what I was sent to do and like I stated earlier I don't even know what that is yet but I think when I look back over my life especially the last few years I think I can see preparation for something. It's knowing what that something is that is the part that I am anxious to know. Like my friend Lisette used to say, "Rejection is God's protection." Just because I haven't gotten the things that I want doesn't mean that I won't ever get the things that I want, it just means that I have to wait until the right time. Another phrase that I have heard in one of the services that I have been in is that no doesn't mean never it means not right now. So even though I have been praying for a full time job for 4 years and have not had one job that was 40 hours a week does not mean that I never will have a job like that it just means that I had to go through some preparation first. I think that I am closer than I have been to where I would like to be. And there is no way except by divine revelation that I could know the day or the hour that the breakthrough will happen but I surely and truly believe that it will happen. I look forward to 2012 and looking back at this year and to the posts from the different months and what I was yammering on about and I suspect and expect for there to be a whole different focus in next year's review.

Sticker Shock

Yesterday after church my mom and I went to BJ's to get gas for the car. All of the gas stations around us were charging $3.68 and up to $3.74 for gas. When we got to BJ's they were selling gas for $3.67, sadly a bargain. My mom with a look of chagrin and shock on her face announced when she got back in the car that she had never paid $60 for gas to fill up her tank until that very moment,setting a precedent. In case you're wondering my mother drives a 2005 Toyota Camry which usually might take $25 to fill up back in the days of gas under $2. It is wild to see the climbing, overnight, prices up and down the street. I can remember a time in the '90s when gas was $.99 and in some places as low as $.97. It seems like a dream now. To add to the sticker shock I was later sent out on a grocery shopping errand. I decided to divide up our shopping list between Trader Joe's and Harris Teeter. I went to Trader Joe's first where I picked up some food, some milk, some juice and some toilet paper (you can't beat 12 rolls for $3.99, really). When I got to the counter I found that I had spent about $19. Which was what I had estimated with my handy calculator that accompanies me on my shopping trips of late. I thought, "Great! I have another $21 to spend at Harris Teeter and will have accomplished all the shopping!" Wrong! I go over to Harris Teeter and I pick up the things that are on sale bottled water, detergent, lunch meat, paper towels, juice, body wash and soap. I got everything on the list that mom and I had made except for the ice cream that she had requested. I made sure to hand over my VIC card that thankfully I still have attached to the same key chain that I have had since college when Harris Teeter was the store I always shopped at. I saved on every item that I bought excluding the soap and somehow I saved $6 and still had to add another $7 of my own money to complete the order. I was just amazed and I guess I really shouldn't be. I have known for a long time that the prices on things have been going up. I have been staying up on the latest news about soon to come food shortages and increased costs for simple commodities like milk and bread. I guess I was so in shock because the most expensive thing that I bought last night was Northland juice, my mother's favorite juice brand which can be blamed on me since I introduced her to it. The juice is normally a little over $4 a bottle but they had it on sale for 2 for $7 a steal right? Everything else that I bought was under $4. I was amazed that at the end all of my $40 shopping money was gone and still had to be added to if I wanted to take the items home. I haven't worked steadily in a little while therefor I haven't done major shopping for a home in a while so I guess that's why it takes a whole blog post to come to term with these feelings. Also I live in New Jersey where there is no sales tax on most necessary food items, a luxury that I have become more than accustomed to. Recently I temporarily relocated to North Carolina where there are two sales taxes to pay for food items. But on the way home I was reminded that there are more important things in life than the cost of food. As I was driving away from Harris Teeter a deer ran across the road in front of myself and another approaching car as well. Fortunately for both of us and her she crossed and escaped into some trees before either of us was close enough to come into contact with her. I have never had a deer cross in front of me before but I was so glad that all she did was cross and not stop!

Today also was a reminder that even during times of economic strain and uncertainty God will provide. Today I caught the end of Breakthrough with Rod Parsley. He was speaking about the Lord pouring out blessings on people who have been in a famine and are in a dire situation. I read the verses that he referred to this morning in my personal Bible study. He was speaking of a famine in the land that was so great that people were eating their own children. The prophet Elisha told the King of Israel that by the same time the next day that the same things that were all but gone in their own land would cost them mere pennies the next day. They couldn't believe it and in fact the man whom the king leaned on for support didn't believe that it would happen but it did. The next day there was flour and barley that cost only a few shekels and the people had more than enough. I believe that God is about to open the windows of heaven and pour out a blessing on His people. I believe that in times when things will look bleak and desolate that there will be an abundance of rain for His people. I believe that it is time for the barren, cold, winter seasons in our lives to become sweet summer seasons with ripeness and bounty. But it requires perseverance to make it to the sweet summer season because you don't know when it will happen. Elisha was able to tell the king the exact date that his breakthrough would come and many of us are waiting for our breakthrough and have thought that it would have come a long time ago. But it is important to keep hope alive during these hard times and to believe that if God said it He will do it. It gets hard sometimes but it is worth it in the end.

Another interesting thing that happened today was that in addition to reading the story about Elisha and the famine, I also read the story about Elisha and the ax head. There was a prophet working on a shelter near the Jordan River and he lost the head of an ax he had borrowed. He told Elisha about it and he prayed to find it and the heavy iron ax head floated to the top of the water. I watched a brief portion of a telecast of the late Dr. Lester Summerall this evening and he was talking about prayer and what we should pray for when we pray. He used the example of the ax head and Elisha to demonstrate that sometimes we can pray strange prayers about things and have them happen. This prompted me to look around and say, "Hello?" Often times I am alone when these moments happen but I think that they are really God confirming His word to me. I don't think anything is an accident or coincidence and I think that the Lord is just telling me, "Hey there I am with you. I know what you read today and I just want to let you know that I know." It's pretty cool when you think about it. All the people on the earth that want some of God's time and attention and He will spend time with each individual that calls on Him and let them know that He hears them. Maybe I should rephrase that and say that I am not alone in these moments but hearing from God and He is letting me know that He hears me and sees me.

"Everything is going to be alright!"

"Everything is going to be alright!" These were the words spoken to the thousands of people that crowded into the Westin Hotel in uptown Charlotte last night to hear from Brother Kenneth Copeland. Brother Copeland is holding partner meetings around the country and fortunately for Charlotte we were a part of his itinerary. He spoke to us last night about many different things: his walk with the Lord and the growth of his ministry over the last forty years, walking by faith, not looking to the world as to what is going on but remembering that God is our source and then the words of comfort that he spoke to us from the Lord about the fact that everything was going to work out for the best whether it looked like it or not. It was so comforting to hear that from him. For me personally, even though the Lord has spoken to me about the fact that things in my life are going to work out it was nice to hear from someone who has a better and more developed walk with the Lord than I do that he heard straight from the Lord that things are working out. He also said to get in the Word and remind yourself of the promises in the Bible and then to remind yourself when things seem to not be working out that it's on its way! The message was really inspiring. A message of hope during a time when the news is focused on government shutdowns, wars and turmoil, and economic crisis and a continued rise in the nation's unemployment numbers, despite what the media reports. Brother Copeland reminded us that God was not caught off guard by what happened in 2008 or by what has continued to happen since then. He reminded me of something that Prophet Phil Cappuccio, who came to my church in New Jersey, said. He said that God does not have a plan B. God has had one plan from the very beginning and He sticks to His plan because it is perfect. God can see the end from the beginning when all we can see is the missteps and the winding turns and the long stretches but God has the puzzle box lid and we only have the pieces. So we really have no choice but to trust Him if we have made the decision to put our lives in His hands. I'm really glad that I had the opportunity to be able to hear Brother Copeland in person and that his message for us was so timely and necessary. At the beginning of this year I had the opportunity to be a part of some really great services at my home church in Charlotte and then the church that I belong to in New Jersey. I think I expected for my life to take some drastic turns after these services because there were messages of blessings on the way and turning of the tide. And admittedly my life did change, maybe not in the way that I pictured it but it did change. I received a phone call to work on the project that had stalled last year and because of that I was able to add another experience to my resume as well as some cash to my pocket. That was a blessing! And then I feel more sure of what I know this year whereas last year I was struggling because it was a year of great transition, rejection and disappointment. But I was sustained through all of that and had to make a decision for myself whether I was going to believe the circumstances or believe God. I chose to believe the Lord and maybe what I have been praying for has taken longer than expected but I believe that it is on the way and that I am closer to it than I have ever been.

If it was not enough to be able to experience Brother Kenneth Copeland last night this morning my mom and I were able to experience the ministry of Dr. Marilyn Hickey. I remember my mother watching both Kenneth Copeland and Marilyn Hickey on television when I was in elementary school. I never paid much attention to them then because I had no idea what they were talking about. But in the last two to three years I have received a great deal from their ministries as I have developed my own personal faith. This morning Dr. Hickey was the closing speaker at the Faith Alive Conference at the University City Church of God in Christ. I expected an overwhelming amount of people to be at this conference like the one for Kenneth Copeland the night before. But Dr. Hickey addressed a small crowd of maybe 100 or so. What a great experience! How often do you have the chance to have a personal Bible study with someone who has a world renowned ministry and has traveled to over 125 nations! Not very often. And her message fit a logical progression of messages that I have had the opportunity to partake of this week. First I heard a message from Charles Stanley last week entitled "Intimacy with God." And he explained that without an intimate relationship with God you cannot experience all that God has for you. An intimate relationship with God is one where you are completely open and honest with Him and then also listen for Him to speak to you. I was definitely struck by the fact that I had not been listening like I should have. I had been talking more than enough but when it came to listening I could do much better. On Wednesday night I attended a Bible class by Pastor Gool at Victory Christian Center in Charlotte where he instructed all of us to search for wisdom. He spoke of what happens when you find wisdom and make it a priority and he spoke of what happens when you don't. We should search out wisdom like jewels. He used the illustration of the fact that if you had a million dollars in your back yard you wouldn't stop searching until you found it and that is what we should do to find wisdom, not quit until we find it. Then Friday was Brother Kenneth Copeland's message and today Dr. Hickey spoke about vision. She used the story of Joseph to speak about how God gives each of us a vision for our lives and He not only does that but equips us with all the tools and abilities to be able to do what we need to do to accomplish that vision. The problem is that we want what we want when we want it and too often we need to go through a process to be ready to accomplish the vision for which He created us but we would think that this process should only take a day or a night or a week or a month or a year max. But the truth is that it may take all of this and more. Joseph is a prime example of this. It was 13 years from the time he had a vision to the time it was actually fulfilled and then there was still 9 more years after that until the vision was completed. Joseph could not see how all of this was going to work out for his good but he trusted God in every situation, in Potiphar's house, in prison, and serving Pharaoh. God had the box top and Joseph had the pieces. The first thing we have to do is have a vision. Prophet Cappuccio spoke of this when he came to LOJ also. If you don't have a vision pray for one but the good news is that God has a vision for every one's life. Dr. Hickey reiterated something else that he said as well which is that God does not make mistakes. If you are here it is for a reason. God doesn't make people and then try to figure out what to do with them once they are here but rather you are here because there is something that God has for you to do. Very good news! So this morning Dr. Hickey walked us through the story of Joseph and illustrated the points of her message about having vision. The most important thing that stuck out to me about what she said was that we have to hold on to the vision. She pointed to Habakkuk 2:2 which says that you should write the vision and make it plain and even if it tarries (takes a long time) wait for it for it will surely come. I think so often we get caught up in how long things are taking and we mistake that for it not being the right thing for us or it takes a long time and due to our impatience we stop waiting and try to take a short cut or make it come about in our own way which usually will not work out so well. Joseph knew from an early age that he was called to interpret dreams and he also had dreams that he saw and told his family about. Throughout all the hardships that he had he never lost sight of the vision that God had given him in his youth. It took a long time for him to be able to see exactly how God was going to use his gift and fulfill what He said but it happened and it happened because Joseph didn't give up! Don't give up! This of course had me thinking about my own life and I felt that I at one time had a clear vision for my life but because my life has taken so many twists and turns I have often wondered if I was supposed to have a different vision or if I have missed opportunities that were a part of God's vision for me. But I am thankful for all of these wonderful ministers in the last month or so who have spoken into my life and have helped me to see that God is in control and I don't have to worry. I have to do what I can do with what I have but not worry about completing it in my own strength. That's very good news too! So that is my new prayer, for clear, direct vision as to what God would do with my life. Not my will but His be done!

This morning as I was getting ready for the meeting with Dr. Hickey, I was thinking about how my attitude had been during this time of preparation (which I haven't always looked at as a time of preparation). In the very beginning and probably up until the last year I really felt like a victim. I felt like God was punishing me for something I did or didn't do. I identified with Job. I didn't lose near as much as Job but it was the only story that I could think of that seemed remotely close to mine. I felt stripped and I was stripped. I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. I felt betrayed and I felt hurt that things seemed to be headed in the "right" direction or rather the direction I thought that they should be headed in and then all of a sudden things just went south. It felt so unfair and I wallowed in self-loathing and self-pity for far longer than I care to admit. But then something great happened which was that the situation forced me to look to God for answers because no one around me had any, if anything they were demanding answers of me that I had not a clue about how to answer. And I began to learn and read and develop. I started reading the word seriously for the first time. I started with the New Testament. And the more I read the more encouraged I felt. I started to pick up some Joyce Meyer books and I realized I was not alone in my situation. That there have been people before me and with me who have walked this same path. The more I learned the more I let go and I didn't need to know so much I could just trust that the Lord would lead me. And I am not saying that I have been perfect at it because I definitely have not but I have learned to endure and to trust in a way that I have not had to before and I have learned to have an appreciation for the Lord that I have not had before and I have learned to encourage myself in the Lord like I have not had to before. All of this led me to the realization that I had thought of myself as a victim of the economic crisis and that because of what was going on in the world that was why I was affected. I think now that God used the economic crisis to put me to the test. I had no idea there was an economic crisis coming and had no idea that I would be a part of it in anyway. But now I can see that like Joseph said, "God meant it for good." It's been a proving ground for my faith and it has been a faith walk. Many times it felt as though I were stumbling in the dark and going to fall but I made it through the dark times. So I am really thankful for the messages of this past week and especially of these two days that have reminded me that God is in control and that, "everything is going to be alright!"

Back from the Beach

Last Thursday Mom and I set out for Myrtle Beach, SC. I hadn't been there in years and neither had she. She had a conference there and invited me to join her. So we drove down to the beach and arrived in the early afternoon. When we got there we learned that they had had to give our room away because it was after the time that we said we would arrive but fortunately we were able to get another room that was an upgrade from our previous room. We drove over to our hotel to check in and got on the elevator to unload our stuff. We walked into our room and were not prepared for what was in store for us. They had upgraded us to an amazing suite with two bedrooms, a walk in shower, a whirlpool tub, a kitchen, a wrap around patio overlooking the ocean and a washer and dryer. Honestly, it was bigger that my first apartment and had better amenities! But we walked in amazed and just thankful for the opportunity to really enjoy our mini vacation much more that we could have imagined we would. Mom attended sessions at the conference while I lounged around and learned my way around the area. The weather unfortunately was too cold and windy for either of us to go down to the ocean and take a walk on the beach but we certainly enjoyed looking at the ocean and the brave souls who decided to sit on the sand or hop into the water. We also enjoyed some Cold Stone Ice Cream! In case anyone was wondering I have been a super fan of the Mint Mint Chocolate Chocolate Chip at Cold Stone but this weekend discovered the new Oreo Cream Filling Ice Cream to which I added white chocolate chips. It's my new favorite thing! Also Mom and I took a chance on a restaurant and ended up making a great choice. We ate at the Chesapeake House on N. King's Highway in Myrtle Beach. It was about $20 per person but such a great value. You get a cup of their awesome fish stew, choice of a side, another side with your entree, a basket of delicious hush puppies and fresh cinnamon rolls. Mom had the flounder which was stuffed with crab. I had a sampler of a jumbo crab cake, fried shrimp, and fried flounder. Everything was so good it was ridiculous! Not bad for choosing the restaurant based on the number of cars in the parking lot. To make the weekend even better we were supposed to come back on Saturday but got to enjoy one more night of luxury and came back earlier today. I think the last vacation I took as I define vacation was at least 5 years ago. It was so nice to have a change of place and pace. I have never been a beach person really. Sand would always get in my hair and I have always hated wearing bathing suits and I never felt like there was anything to do at the beach. I hate sitting in the sun a long time because I roast and I haven't really swam in a long time. But I have to say that this vacay at Myrtle was right on time and I loved it and had a new appreciation for the beach. I rarely get to see an uninhibited horizon and it just reminded me of how much possibility is out there in the world, it's endless the way the ocean looks when you can't see what's on the other side. It was a great time to just take time out and reflect and renew. I enjoyed it immensely. I was also happy to have a big comfy bed all to myself and my own room too. Things that I don't typically have in New Jersey but have learned that I took for granted when I did have them. So the play time came to an end but it was much needed for both
Mom and I. I also enjoyed being back in the Southeast. In NJ it is very different. You generally do not meet people who look you in the eye or just make conversation without knowing you. It's not a bad thing just a difference in regions. But in NC/SC you can always find people who will treat you like they have known you forever. It
s one of the things I miss most about the south. But it made me feel good to know that it's still like that here and I appreciate that much more after having lived somewhere else. Thanks to the awesome vacation I just had I am ready for another week!

If you're in Myrtle Beach check out the Embassy Suites on Queensway Blvd and eat at The Chesapeake House on N. Kings Highway!

Also thank God for GPS because w/o we would have been completely lost!