My testimony is the title of a song by Marvin Sapp. It's a wonderful song especially in light of the death of his wife last year. But it's also a reminder that we all go through difficult and hard times but we can't give up because there is another side to the story and the things we are going through are building our testimony. I thought about this song this morning when I was doing my devotional. I had a devotional that was talking about Moses' legacy to the children of Israel and the Jewish people. There were moments that Moses would have definitely been not proud of and there were times that I am sure he was more than proud of. God spoke to him and appeared to him. He was a leader of his people for 40 years and saw the Israelites fulfill the promise that God had given Abraham that He would make them into a great nation and that although they were in bondage for several centuries God fulfilled His promise to them and used Moses to accomplish that promise. The devotion asked how you could leave a legacy to your children or to others in general. I don't have children and I don't know if I ever will but I began to think about those people in my life who do have children and how I needed to add them to my list of things to pray for that they would leave their children a Godly legacy. I also thought about the fact that if I don't have a family of my own I can still sow into other people's lives at some point. I really feel that all of the things that I have been through in the last two years are building my testimony. I believe that I have gone through all of these trials and challenges so that other people can see God in and through my life's experiences. I already know and have been through situations that I know were only survivable because God was with me and watching over me because there have been many times where I have wanted to give up and quit and not see another day. But I am thankful for the continued reminders that there is a plan for my life and as a friend of mine said recently, "You don't go through nothing for nothing." I really don't think that I have been through all this depression, rejection and disappointment to come out even or just a little bit ahead of where I started when this all began. I believe that like T.D. Jakes said, "If you are at rock bottom, you are just right for Jesus." He explained that often when we have options or can accomplish something on our own we don't give God the glory or the credit because we feel we did it on our own. He said that sometimes God has to close every door and shut off every opportunity to get our attention and let us know that He is in control because sadly we don't always look to Him unless we are at the very end of our strength, ability and know how. It was really encouraged by that and I believe that the Lord will use all that I have been through as a testimony for others to see His power, His grace, His provision, and His will for my life accomplished. In today's Oswald Chambers reading I read about how we are to see Jesus as Almighty not just a shoulder to cry on or a sympathetic ear. We have to seek Him and His counsel for all things instead of putting our wants and desires first and then asking Him to bless them and make them work out for us. That was encouraging too because sometimes we feel completely alone and we feel heavy burdened and weighed down because we feel like everything is in need of our figuring it out and making it work. But if we give it over to Jesus we are relieved of our burdens and He will direct us on the right path and help us to make the right decision. It can get frustrating because we don't always get the answer that we want or when we want but we have to know and believe that He has our best interest in mind and will help us to go on the path and in the direction that is best for us. This morning I thought about something my pastor here in Charlotte said. He said that you have to be able to see the future from now. You have to know that there is a tomorrow and a next week and a next month and a next year. You have to believe that things will get better and improve in the future no matter how long it may take. I believe that what I have been going through has been a season of my life. I don't know how long this season will last but I do believe that it will not last forever. I believe that there will be a change and an improvement in my situation and my circumstances. I got really excited today in thinking about the day when I can look at this whole time in my life from the other side of it,after I have come out of this place and can look back at it to see how it lead me to where I will be in the future. I am really excited for that moment and I am so hopeful that that moment is on its way sooner than I can even imagine. Last week as I was riding in the car I was listening to the radio and heard a woman who was talking about people in the Bible who went through difficult times. She talked about Joseph, Abraham, and David. She said that anyone used by God had to go through times of character building and times of being in a slump but they made it out and were the better for it. I was really encouraged by that. I think I posted about how T.D. Jakes spoke at Code Orange Revival about better things. He ministered as an aside about how God is in the buisness of better things and so if you are a servant of the Lord you should never think that your life is on a decline but know that God is making things better in your life. So if God has removed you from someone or something it only means that something better is on the way. It's all a part of our testimony.
February 28, 2012
My Testimony
My testimony is the title of a song by Marvin Sapp. It's a wonderful song especially in light of the death of his wife last year. But it's also a reminder that we all go through difficult and hard times but we can't give up because there is another side to the story and the things we are going through are building our testimony. I thought about this song this morning when I was doing my devotional. I had a devotional that was talking about Moses' legacy to the children of Israel and the Jewish people. There were moments that Moses would have definitely been not proud of and there were times that I am sure he was more than proud of. God spoke to him and appeared to him. He was a leader of his people for 40 years and saw the Israelites fulfill the promise that God had given Abraham that He would make them into a great nation and that although they were in bondage for several centuries God fulfilled His promise to them and used Moses to accomplish that promise. The devotion asked how you could leave a legacy to your children or to others in general. I don't have children and I don't know if I ever will but I began to think about those people in my life who do have children and how I needed to add them to my list of things to pray for that they would leave their children a Godly legacy. I also thought about the fact that if I don't have a family of my own I can still sow into other people's lives at some point. I really feel that all of the things that I have been through in the last two years are building my testimony. I believe that I have gone through all of these trials and challenges so that other people can see God in and through my life's experiences. I already know and have been through situations that I know were only survivable because God was with me and watching over me because there have been many times where I have wanted to give up and quit and not see another day. But I am thankful for the continued reminders that there is a plan for my life and as a friend of mine said recently, "You don't go through nothing for nothing." I really don't think that I have been through all this depression, rejection and disappointment to come out even or just a little bit ahead of where I started when this all began. I believe that like T.D. Jakes said, "If you are at rock bottom, you are just right for Jesus." He explained that often when we have options or can accomplish something on our own we don't give God the glory or the credit because we feel we did it on our own. He said that sometimes God has to close every door and shut off every opportunity to get our attention and let us know that He is in control because sadly we don't always look to Him unless we are at the very end of our strength, ability and know how. It was really encouraged by that and I believe that the Lord will use all that I have been through as a testimony for others to see His power, His grace, His provision, and His will for my life accomplished. In today's Oswald Chambers reading I read about how we are to see Jesus as Almighty not just a shoulder to cry on or a sympathetic ear. We have to seek Him and His counsel for all things instead of putting our wants and desires first and then asking Him to bless them and make them work out for us. That was encouraging too because sometimes we feel completely alone and we feel heavy burdened and weighed down because we feel like everything is in need of our figuring it out and making it work. But if we give it over to Jesus we are relieved of our burdens and He will direct us on the right path and help us to make the right decision. It can get frustrating because we don't always get the answer that we want or when we want but we have to know and believe that He has our best interest in mind and will help us to go on the path and in the direction that is best for us. This morning I thought about something my pastor here in Charlotte said. He said that you have to be able to see the future from now. You have to know that there is a tomorrow and a next week and a next month and a next year. You have to believe that things will get better and improve in the future no matter how long it may take. I believe that what I have been going through has been a season of my life. I don't know how long this season will last but I do believe that it will not last forever. I believe that there will be a change and an improvement in my situation and my circumstances. I got really excited today in thinking about the day when I can look at this whole time in my life from the other side of it,after I have come out of this place and can look back at it to see how it lead me to where I will be in the future. I am really excited for that moment and I am so hopeful that that moment is on its way sooner than I can even imagine. Last week as I was riding in the car I was listening to the radio and heard a woman who was talking about people in the Bible who went through difficult times. She talked about Joseph, Abraham, and David. She said that anyone used by God had to go through times of character building and times of being in a slump but they made it out and were the better for it. I was really encouraged by that. I think I posted about how T.D. Jakes spoke at Code Orange Revival about better things. He ministered as an aside about how God is in the buisness of better things and so if you are a servant of the Lord you should never think that your life is on a decline but know that God is making things better in your life. So if God has removed you from someone or something it only means that something better is on the way. It's all a part of our testimony.
February 23, 2012
February 19, 2012
February 18, 2012
Keeping My Promise
At the beginning of the year I said that I was going to start eating more healthy and start making some changes to be more healthy overall. Well I did not make good on that promise at all over the first month and a half of 2012. But I realized that I was getting out of control with letting myself just do whatever I wanted at times and then at other times being so sparse with what I ate that it wasn't good for me either. So I decided last weekend that it was time to make a change, yes I did realize that Valentine's Day was Tuesday. But what I did was have one day of fun on Sunday where I ate my little heart out on food that I love and then vowed to make a fresh start on Monday. Well there were circumstances beyond my control on Monday and it had to start on Tuesday. Believe me I wanted to turn back but I decided to just go ahead and start. What I started was the Kathy Freston 21 day vegan cleanse. I have done it once before in 2008. I had great results and felt a marked improvement in my health when I did this cleanse the first time so I am aiming at recapturing that but also using it as a spring board for starting anew with my eating habits.
This past week went well. I had soy yogurt for breakfast, Tofurkey for lunch, stir fry for dinner, and rice cakes with almond butter for snacks. It was a little tough at first but the first few days are the hardest. Then I thought about the fact that I was eating packaged foods that were most likely not that great for me so I started to look for recipes online. I found a great recipe for lentil soup. Today I went out and bought the ingredients for the soup. Then I happened to catch an episode of Food for Thought with Claire Thomas and she was making a gluten free chocolate chip walnut banana bread. So this week I picked up the ingredients for that as well. I'm excited about this new facet to this vegan cleanse that I hadn't thought about before: actual cooking. I have been cooking for my mom and I since I came here last year and I have enjoyed actually making my food rather than eating fast food or microwavable food. My mom didn't really cook when I was growing up so I have been winging it as a adult but I am really starting to enjoy the cooking process and I am looking forward to learning more vegan and healthy recipes.
Also the Wal-Mart near my house totally shocked me today with its amazing selection of gluten free products. There was a nice assortment of Bob's Red Mill baking flours, gluten free lasagna, gluten free, dairy free cookies, and also xanthan gum for gluten free baking which thankfully Wal-Mart sells in 1/2 tsp packs so I didn't have to buy a $12 bag! I am so glad because with Trader Joe's and Wal-Mart I can make it through the vegan cleanse without constant meal repeats!
Will post pics of the soup and bread! (if it turns out right)
This past week went well. I had soy yogurt for breakfast, Tofurkey for lunch, stir fry for dinner, and rice cakes with almond butter for snacks. It was a little tough at first but the first few days are the hardest. Then I thought about the fact that I was eating packaged foods that were most likely not that great for me so I started to look for recipes online. I found a great recipe for lentil soup. Today I went out and bought the ingredients for the soup. Then I happened to catch an episode of Food for Thought with Claire Thomas and she was making a gluten free chocolate chip walnut banana bread. So this week I picked up the ingredients for that as well. I'm excited about this new facet to this vegan cleanse that I hadn't thought about before: actual cooking. I have been cooking for my mom and I since I came here last year and I have enjoyed actually making my food rather than eating fast food or microwavable food. My mom didn't really cook when I was growing up so I have been winging it as a adult but I am really starting to enjoy the cooking process and I am looking forward to learning more vegan and healthy recipes.
Also the Wal-Mart near my house totally shocked me today with its amazing selection of gluten free products. There was a nice assortment of Bob's Red Mill baking flours, gluten free lasagna, gluten free, dairy free cookies, and also xanthan gum for gluten free baking which thankfully Wal-Mart sells in 1/2 tsp packs so I didn't have to buy a $12 bag! I am so glad because with Trader Joe's and Wal-Mart I can make it through the vegan cleanse without constant meal repeats!
Will post pics of the soup and bread! (if it turns out right)
Farewell Dear Whitney
Today the world went to church whether we expected to or not. I am speaking of Whitney Houston's home going service today. I knew from the beginning that it was going to be a very special and emotional event but I was not prepared for the fact that from her service I would receive encouragement to keep going through what was a very difficult time for me. I started watching the service and was moved by the choir and then by the ministers and friends who shared their memories about Whitney. But many of them spoke of going through difficult times and how to persevere and know that with God for you no one can be against you. So many people throughout the last week have brought up all the stuff about Whitney's life that we all know helped to paint her in an unfavorable light but today we were reminded that Whitney was a child of God who knew that the Lord loved her and had given her a special gift of song to share with the world. She accomplished His task and goal for her life. And today we were taken back to The New Hope Baptist Church in Newark, NJ where it all started for Whitney. And we were reminded of the fact that she was a servant of God who graced us with her beauty and amazing talent for the last 30 years. The words spoken and sung by people like T.D. Jakes, Donnie McClurkin, Marvin Winans, Stevie Wonder, Kim Burrell, Alicia Keys, Bebe Winans, and CeCe Winans were so inspiring and encouraging. I didn't expect to be in tears for fours hours but I was. All the things that they were saying I so desperately needed. Over the last week I have felt painfully lonely and I have felt that things seem to keep getting worse no matter what I do. It has been a rough week. And I was just reminded today that when you go through tough times that if you are a child of God and have accepted Jesus as your savior, you are never truly alone. The things that they were saying were directed to Whitney's family but they were exactly what I needed to hear today as well and I think that the Lord just ministered to me and helped me through her service today. But I feel that that was the overall goal of what happened today. The world was watching to see the send off of a music legend but what they received was a dose of gospel. I think it was so befitting of Whitney's life because she had this amazing gift and she touched and inspired so many people and I think what she would have wanted people to know is that Jesus loves them and cares for and about them and she loved them and cared about them too. And that is exactly what we got today. We were told about the love of God, the gift of Jesus and the need to not be sad or in despair because Whitney is present with the Lord, she is just fine. It was a beautiful service and I am so thankful to her mother Ms. Cissy Houston for sharing this moment with the world because it would have been understandable if she had chosen not to. But instead she was able to invite all the world into the little church and minister to them. I believe that there will be people that will meet Whitney Houston in heaven one day and will be there because they saw today's service. There will never be another one like Whitney Houston but I am so thankful and grateful that I had the opportunity to grow up with her music and with her as a part of my culture. Thank you Whitney!
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| Whitney Houston at the AMAs 2009 reddogreport.com |
Today the world went to church whether we expected to or not. I am speaking of Whitney Houston's home going service today. I knew from the beginning that it was going to be a very special and emotional event but I was not prepared for the fact that from her service I would receive encouragement to keep going through what was a very difficult time for me. I started watching the service and was moved by the choir and then by the ministers and friends who shared their memories about Whitney. But many of them spoke of going through difficult times and how to persevere and know that with God for you no one can be against you. So many people throughout the last week have brought up all the stuff about Whitney's life that we all know helped to paint her in an unfavorable light but today we were reminded that Whitney was a child of God who knew that the Lord loved her and had given her a special gift of song to share with the world. She accomplished His task and goal for her life. And today we were taken back to The New Hope Baptist Church in Newark, NJ where it all started for Whitney. And we were reminded of the fact that she was a servant of God who graced us with her beauty and amazing talent for the last 30 years. The words spoken and sung by people like T.D. Jakes, Donnie McClurkin, Marvin Winans, Stevie Wonder, Kim Burrell, Alicia Keys, Bebe Winans, and CeCe Winans were so inspiring and encouraging. I didn't expect to be in tears for fours hours but I was. All the things that they were saying I so desperately needed. Over the last week I have felt painfully lonely and I have felt that things seem to keep getting worse no matter what I do. It has been a rough week. And I was just reminded today that when you go through tough times that if you are a child of God and have accepted Jesus as your savior, you are never truly alone. The things that they were saying were directed to Whitney's family but they were exactly what I needed to hear today as well and I think that the Lord just ministered to me and helped me through her service today. But I feel that that was the overall goal of what happened today. The world was watching to see the send off of a music legend but what they received was a dose of gospel. I think it was so befitting of Whitney's life because she had this amazing gift and she touched and inspired so many people and I think what she would have wanted people to know is that Jesus loves them and cares for and about them and she loved them and cared about them too. And that is exactly what we got today. We were told about the love of God, the gift of Jesus and the need to not be sad or in despair because Whitney is present with the Lord, she is just fine. It was a beautiful service and I am so thankful to her mother Ms. Cissy Houston for sharing this moment with the world because it would have been understandable if she had chosen not to. But instead she was able to invite all the world into the little church and minister to them. I believe that there will be people that will meet Whitney Houston in heaven one day and will be there because they saw today's service. There will never be another one like Whitney Houston but I am so thankful and grateful that I had the opportunity to grow up with her music and with her as a part of my culture. Thank you Whitney!
February 12, 2012
Rest in Peace Whitney Houston
Last night I was shocked, as I am sure a lot of people were, to learn about the passing of Whitney Houston. Whitney was a living legend. I remember watching a video in the 80s at my uncle's house repeatedly of Whitney Houston's greatest hits. I probably saw that video 50 times at least. Whitney was just a part of the soundtrack of my childhood much like Michael Jackson. When I was growing up Whitney was a fashion and beauty icon for myself and other young black girls growing up. She always looked amazing and she had confidence and a megawatt smile that made you want to be her friend. So I was in disbelief last night as I sat watching TV after getting in from the store and there was a special report that scrolled across the bottom of the screen that said that Whitney had died in Beverly Hills at age 48. As I wrote last year when Amy Winehouse died, you are never ready for these kinds of moments. I gasped and I thought to myself, "That this cannot be true." It was really just too much to take. There have been so many famous African American singers and artists that we have lost too early too recently. Michael Jackson, Don Cornelius, Etta James, Luther Vandross, Heavy D, Isaac Hayes just to name a few. So I was just really amazed that I was hearing this news and it was true. Also within the last week there had been reminders of Whitney going on in my life, which is weird now that I think about it. On February 3, I was substituting for a music teacher at a nearby elementary school. I sat down at the teacher's desk and saw that he had a music biography card on the chalk tray for Whitney Houston. On the front was a picture of Whitney and on the back it told of her rise to fame and several of her musical achievements. I stared at the picture for a little bit because it was of a young, vibrant Whitney in her prime. I thought to myself, "Nothing compares to old school Whitney Houston." The following Sunday I was grocery shopping for my mom and I and her song "I Get So Emotional" came on while I was looking through the deli section. I just hummed along feeling good at hearing what was one of my favorite songs to hear her sing. Then this past week there were several stories floating around about her in the press. One story said she was broke, another said she was dating Ray J, and another said that she looked strung out while coming out of a club on Thursday evening. I dismissed all of these and did not pay them any attention because I saw them as attempts to just cause drama and look for dirt to dish on her. So imagine after a week of little Whitney reminders popping up in my week on Saturday I hear the news that she has died. I was truly heartbroken. I, like so many others, was hoping for a major comeback for Whitney Houston. I felt the same way about Michael Jackson. I wanted for them to be able to finish their story on top and to have that moment of triumph over the hardships and difficulties that both of them had faced. And not only that but I feel so sad for her daughter and her mother because I know that they are feeling a very intense loss. But I will always remember Whitney Houston as an early part of my life because when I was growing up she was just everywhere and to me there was not another female pop star who was bigger than Whitney. Also when I was little they made us sing "The Greatest Love of All" and "One Moment in Time" in my school choir, which I am sure was extremely common for a lot of kids in the early 90s. But she was just such a part of that time of my life that is makes me extremely sad to see her pass away so prematurely. I pray that she is in Heaven and that her soul is at peace.
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| Whitney Houston bio.com |
February 11, 2012
Food for Thought
This past week my mom had to go to a meeting in Raleigh. So I went with her to drive and to explore downtown Raleigh for myself. Fortunately we had good directions and where she was meeting was not too hard to find considering that it was one street over from the governor's mansion. While she went to her meeting I went to the North Carolina Museum of History. I know, please contain your excitement. It was so much better than I thought it would be. I didn't know what to expect but I was really excited that it was free and that they had an exhibit about the history of North Carolina. As you can imagine the North Carolina exhibit comprises most of the first floor and begins with pre-Colonial times up until the 60s. For an exhibit about a whole state I thought it was pretty impressive. I would have liked to have seen more in some areas and less in others but I thought that it was good. I spent about 2 1/2 hours in the exhibit learning about famous North Carolinians and events that happened here. For me there was really no better place to be that day than at the museum. It was a perfect orchestration by God for the museum to be that close to my mom's meeting.
On the way home we stopped in Chapel Hill where we visited a restaurant called Mama Dips. We had been there about a year ago right after Christmas 2010 when we went to Raleigh for the Norman Rockwell exhibit. The food is down home Southern cooked just right. The last time I had fried chicken and it was good, not Sylvia's good but good just the same. This time I had a strong desire for barbecue. So I got a combination of barbecue and Brunswick stew. I really wish I had just gotten the barbecue. Not that the stew was bad because it was delicious but the barbecue came extremely close to my all time favorite barbecue at Courtney's in York, SC. The barbecue was amazing! It was seasoned perfectly. I had cole slaw and turnip greens (with vinegar) with it and it was so tasty. Not to mention their awesome cornbread. The sweet tea was okay not great. But I could not get over how good the barbecue was. I didn't even eat it politely it was so good. I think I didn't rest my fork but maybe 4 times. I just had to have more and more barbecue. For some reason, since I have moved back to North Carolina, I have been addicted to barbecue. I never ate it as much as I do now. I think I first developed this passion for barbecue when I first went to Courtney's in 2005 with my grandmother. Before then I had little desire for barbecue. But now it is one of my favorite things. I guess the generations of my family that came before are smiling because I finally developed a love for one of the signature dishes from this state. The standard for me is Courtney's. There is none better to me than that. They have perfect BBQ, perfect BBQ sauce, perfect red slaw, and perfect hush puppies. But there is a little place near where I live called Farmer's Barbecue and they have a really good BBQ and sauce as well. I don't know why I developed a sudden passion for BBQ but I really do love the taste of it and the comfort of it. It is so delicious! It's South in your mouth!
On the way home we stopped in Chapel Hill where we visited a restaurant called Mama Dips. We had been there about a year ago right after Christmas 2010 when we went to Raleigh for the Norman Rockwell exhibit. The food is down home Southern cooked just right. The last time I had fried chicken and it was good, not Sylvia's good but good just the same. This time I had a strong desire for barbecue. So I got a combination of barbecue and Brunswick stew. I really wish I had just gotten the barbecue. Not that the stew was bad because it was delicious but the barbecue came extremely close to my all time favorite barbecue at Courtney's in York, SC. The barbecue was amazing! It was seasoned perfectly. I had cole slaw and turnip greens (with vinegar) with it and it was so tasty. Not to mention their awesome cornbread. The sweet tea was okay not great. But I could not get over how good the barbecue was. I didn't even eat it politely it was so good. I think I didn't rest my fork but maybe 4 times. I just had to have more and more barbecue. For some reason, since I have moved back to North Carolina, I have been addicted to barbecue. I never ate it as much as I do now. I think I first developed this passion for barbecue when I first went to Courtney's in 2005 with my grandmother. Before then I had little desire for barbecue. But now it is one of my favorite things. I guess the generations of my family that came before are smiling because I finally developed a love for one of the signature dishes from this state. The standard for me is Courtney's. There is none better to me than that. They have perfect BBQ, perfect BBQ sauce, perfect red slaw, and perfect hush puppies. But there is a little place near where I live called Farmer's Barbecue and they have a really good BBQ and sauce as well. I don't know why I developed a sudden passion for BBQ but I really do love the taste of it and the comfort of it. It is so delicious! It's South in your mouth!
Turn, Turn, Turn
There seems to be a lot of revolving in my life. I started this tutoring position that I had in November and thought that it was supposed to last until March, only to find out that they sometimes only contract for short amounts of time. Needless to say my tutoring gig is up in two weeks. At the very beginning I was extremely panicked about working with young children and thought that every worse case scenario that played before my eyes on a nightly basis would come true. I did have a few children who were a handful and there were moments when I was just ready to leave it all behind but I have had the chance to work with some of the sweetest children I have ever met. I am going to miss them immensely and it is very hard to think of having to say good-bye. They are such a bright spot to my day. I have two boys that I have worked with from the very beginning and they are so special to me. In the beginning they were a little hesitant and so was I because I didn't know what I was doing either. But over time we have bonded and I enjoy hearing stories about birthday parties they went to or what they learned about Martin Luther King, Jr. in school that day. They are just adorable as well and those little faces just tug on my heart strings. But the end of tutoring is not just the end of my weekly time spent with my tutees but another stopping point after which I don't know what I am going to do. I hate this constant stopping and starting in my life. I want and crave stability and permanence. What happened to the days of getting a job and staying there 50 years until they gave you the gold watch? I totally have always had that kind of vision for my work life. I would be one of those company people that just stayed where I worked forever and just kind of become a part of the scenery. Maybe I was influenced too much by shows from the 60s and 70s where characters did that. But I find myself asking that ever present question, "What's next?" It is so difficult to have to keep going through this all the time. Even though I have have known from the beginning that this was a temporary job in the sense that it would only last a few months, I was really counting on that cushion of the extra month that we were supposed to have. Finding out that it's ending earlier than they said it would or I had planned just throws a monkey wrench into my semi-stable state. But I am trying to be glass half full about this even though it probably doesn't sound like I am. I am trying to tell myself that maybe this is a good thing. That maybe there is a breakthrough for me right around the corner and I might finally get to the point of knowing exactly what I am supposed to be doing with my life. But then again maybe not. Maybe it will be another time of waiting trying to figure out what I can do with a history degree and a master's that over qualifies me for most of the jobs that I find available that I could do. It's frustrating because it has been an ongoing two year situation. Fortunately, I do have the ability to substitute teach, which I am not super excited about but does provide me with the opportunity to make some money and possibly learn skills (crowd control) that I have not previously been accustomed to. But even that will end in June. Is it too much to ask to know what I am supposed to do and how to get there? I don't think so but it is so frustrating trying to figure it out. And I feel like part of it is that I am not supposed to figure it out on my own. I almost feel like I am on the Price is Right and God is the host and He keeps asking us to guess the costs of things and I keep getting it wrong. But eventually I will guess right and play to win and then there will be a door with a big revelation behind it that makes up for all those bad guesses. I'm sure that sounds stupid but that is the only thing that I can liken it to at this moment. But I am really hopeful that the end of my tutoring is the beginning of something better. I am so bored by what has become my life. I feel like an extra on the movie set of my own life, everyone else is the leading lady or man and I am "lady on sidewalk." I just want this part of my life to be over so much.
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