April's Over

Well the end of the fourth month of the year is on Monday. It seems like April just started and it's now almost over. The first week of April I was at home and also out looking for jobs. I heard back from two of the jobs I applied for and I am about to second interview for one of them. So I am really glad that I will have a summer job that will hopefully extend long term and I will hopefully be able to pair it with something else or either go back to subbing in the fall. I had another first in April as well. I subbed a whole week with one class. They were really cute Kindergartners. I really grew to like them a lot and over the course of the week I think they liked me as well. It was really nice having a regular routine and seeing the same faces everyday. I hope I get to sub for them again before the end of the school year. This past week I had another first as well. I worked with Pre-K students, 4 year olds. I had only been with one Pre-K class prior to the three that I was with this week but I really like Pre-K. They are so cute and so little still. I had a special affection for a little boy who became my friend this week. I think he barely reaches my knees when it comes to his height but his personality is much bigger than he is. He was sitting on my lap this week and he put his finger on one of my curls. He then told me that I needed to comb my hair when I got home. He is so sweet and so funny and has the cutest face. So it was a really long, tiring week but a good one still.

This week I had a chance to read my bible a little bit before school and I was reminded of some verses that God had given me last year. They were 1 Peter 5:7, Psalm 121, and Psalm 55:22. I was feeling anxious that day and also burdened because my mother is getting ready to move offices to another side of town which means that I will not be able to work at my preferred school anymore. That was troubling for me because I really like the place and the people. It's more than a school, it feels like a family. When I first started subbing I was going to different places all the time and then one day one of the secretaries asked for my number and said she would keep my on the sub list. I really didn't think much of it but she kept her word and it is the school that I have subbed at the most. It makes such a big difference when you know the school, its schedule and the staff. I love it there and the thought of not being able to sub there and my days of being able to sub there being numbered makes me really sad and also angry. It seems like whenever I get settled somewhere I am always having to move. I was really starting to like New Jersey so much when I had to leave there. I was really liking tutoring so much when I had to leave there. And now the school that I really like will be too far out of the way for me to get there starting in the middle of May. I feel picked on. So I drew encouragement from those scriptures this week but I am still dealing with the fact that I don't like having to change from the school that I really like to ones that I don't know. And I have subbed in enough other schools to know that not all schools have the same kind of staff that the school I like has. Some of the people are just rude and don't really care that you're there because you are the sub whereas my favorite school treats there subs really nicely and makes them feel welcome even if they are only there for a day. So I have some mixed feelings about all this going on.

And in the midst of all that going on I am still having a hard time with the fact that the jobs I have been applying for that have been full time with benefits jobs, I have not been able to get. It's really aggravating still having to live with a parent and not being able to secure a full time job so I can pay my bills save up to move and get out of here. I really desire and crave my own life and I feel so stuck right now that the hope of that seems to be fading. I have been subbing for the majority of the days that I can work with the exception of days that there are not jobs available or like this past Monday when I had to go register to vote so I could participate in the North Carolina primary. Other than that I have been subbing as much as I can and I don't make enough money to do anything really other than buy the things that I need and have a few meals out. It feels like a never-ending cylcle. I get up tired and I go to bed tired and at the end of a pay cycle I have very little to show for it. But I guess a lot of people feel that way these days. But I am still baffled by why I can't get a full time job and the only jobs that will accept me pay a piddly amount by the hour. I would think that a bachelor or Master's degree would at least be enough to help me get a customer service job or a secretarial position but everyone keeps responding that I don't have enough experience. It's so frustrating.

What I desire more than anything is to have my own life. I want to have my own home, pay off all my bills, get a dog, have a job that I really like and be able to go and do things that I really want to do and not do things I'm made to do or have to live my life around someonelse's life or schedule. I don't understand why it has been so hard for me to get out of this and I don't understand why things have not changed more quickly. I won't say I have done all I can because that would probably not be true but I know that there are people who do a lot less than all they can and still come out on top, it isn't fair. I think I am also disappointed because I was hoping that this year would be different, big different. Different in very noticeable and enjoyable ways. It has been different but with more of the same than anything exciting or new. I was really hoping that 2012 would be the year that everything changed for me but it is already four months in and not very much has changed. The good thing is that at least I'm working but it's not a job that I really enjoy or want to do, it's just what I could find. I want to be able to do something that I want to do and enjoy my life. I am not enjoying my life right now. I am lonely and friendless and I don't have any fun. Most nights I get picked up from school, drop my mom back off at work, race home to cook dinner, race back to pick up my mom and then drive home again to eat and watch a few minutes of TV before the exhaustion catches up with me and I go to sleep. Not very momentous or exciting. Oswald Chambers calls it the valley or the grey of daily life or drudgery. It is very hard to stay positive in the drudgery because we want to live on the mountaintop. The mountaintop are those seasons, days, or times in our lives where things are exceptionally good and everything goes exceptionally well and boosts us up to where we want to be. That is what I want. I want a mountaintop experience because I have been in the valley for 4 years. I'm tired of being rejected, losing everything, and being looked down on by my friends and family because I don't have anything. I feel like a loser. I don't want to be a loser anymore. I want to win at something, anything, but mainly at having a job and a life. It seems like the least anyone expects you to be able to accomplish in life are those two things and I would like to at least have that.

I really hope May is better and I really hope that the rest of the year holds more to be desired than these first few have.

Just Sayin' Hi

This week has been no joke! It has been long, difficult and hard. I had a week off with spring break which was actually not a break for me because I was running around looking for any credible business that would hire me. But then after all that I had to get up at 6 am again to be with the kiddies all day. The first three days I think I was completely asleep all day. But by the end of the week I was getting back into the groove. The kiddies were also adjusting to being back and that brought trials of its own but at least we all made it through alive. I fortunately/unfortunately was not able to find a job for this past Thursday so I had a little one day break which was desperately needed because I was so exhausted. However there were positives to this week. I had one job offer and another job interview. Both the jobs are part time but at least I can know when school ends that I will have something else to go to. Also I am really excited about the interview that I had with the last job, and I am hoping that it is the place that I end up getting to work for. This past week I also had to rely on Quick Curls from Miss Jessie's because I did not have time to do the 24 hr wait with Curly Meringue. And I am pleased to say that Quick Curls came through again. This time I was not able to let my hair dry before doing the twists. I did the twists on freshly washed hair. When I got up in the morning it was still wet but I just unraveled the twists gently and did not manipulate them too much. My hair dried gradually through the day and once I was able to get some Shea Moisture Hair Milk on it, it was fine. So I had a very good hair week. Other than those little tidbits nothing is very new. I had a rough day on Thursday because I let my emotions get the best of me. I was really sad and threw a pity party because I was unhappy with the way things look right now. I'm still dealing with the fact that this is not where I want to be in my life right now. There so much that I want and the main priority is a full time job which could lead to debt freedom, a house, and so much more. Two weeks ago I got an email from a museum that I had applied for a job at that I had not been chosen. I think I had some pent up anger and frustration about that because it seems like I keep getting rejected from all the good stuff that I want and I keep getting accepted by the stuff I don't want. That's really difficult. So I have been dealing with issues of rejection, disappointment, and weariness. I am feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. I had a reminder of Isaiah 40:29 today. That God gives strength to the weary, and that those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength. It's comforting but it's really not what I want right now. I want a timeline of how much longer all this stuff is going to go on. In my Oswald Chambers "My Utmost for His Highest" today he said that too often we complain when God burdens us in an effort to move us closer to Him. We whine instead of becoming the wine that He is pressing us into. I am definitely there. I want to be a regular person. I want to be normal. I want to have a same as everybody else life and I don't and I don't think that I ever will. And I have to accept that and believe that it really is for my good that God is doing all of this. Sometimes I feel overlooked and left out like God is picking a kickball team and I am the last one standing on the line waiting to be picked. I feel like that most of the time. I feel like everybody else is on the team and I am begging to get picked too but for some reason it is taking a long time for Him to decide if He wants me or not. I know in my head better than that but my feelings do get hurt when I feel like God is rewarding people who seemingly do not have to struggle for anything. They make their mind up to do something and it gets done. All the doors open and all the circumstances go their way. All I want is a job with some benefits so I can get some contacts and get my teeth cleaned and that feels like I'm asking too much. Life is definitely not fair. But I have to believe that on the other side of the hurt and the pain is something that is good and that it is from God. He may have me in a holding pattern but I have to believe that it will get better. If I didn't believe that I would give up right now and quit. So I have just resolved to do whatever I have to do and to walk through whatever door opens until I know exactly what all of this is for. And that is hard because we often think that we have it planned so perfectly and that if God would do it our way it would just be great. But I think because we do that He uses the things we least expect or like the least to get us to where we want to be the most. So until I get to where I want to be I'm surviving where I am. It's hard, it's tough, and it is daunting but I'm still alive.

Trayvon Martin, Piers Morgan,Toure and Race in America

I don't have cable so I couldn't see the virtual sparring that went on between Piers Morgan and Toure on Friday night. But I have been watching the video and have read an article about it from someone who watched it for themself. After having viewed and read about this article I have to say that I am on #TeamToure. If you are not familiar with Toure, he is a music and pop culture journalist who works for NBC as well as Fuse. Toure took Piers Morgan to task on Friday for not asking pressing enough questions of George Zimmerman's brother, Robert, in an interview on his show. Toure felt that the questions given to the brother were not in depth enough to shed any new light to the situation but only to try to give Zimmerman's family a leg up in media coverage due to the outpouring of support in the court of public opinion for the Martin family.

One point stuck out more than any other and that's what I was most intrigued by. Toure pointed out that Piers is too fresh to the United States to fully and properly understand the racial divide that still exists here today. Piers argued that being from Britain and only having been in the country for 6 or 7 years was not a deterrent to understanding why the Trayvon Martin case is important to America. On the other hand Toure said that Piers was not acquainted with all the implications that are involved in this case and that he is an outsider to the issue of race in America. From there the argument got heated and Piers resorted to sophomoric tactics of questioning Toure's journalistic integrity when in actuality he was smarting from the fact that he had been exposed for not being familiar enough on the topic of race to actually be a trusted voice in the analyzing of this particular event. To me this does not mean that Piers' opinion about the matter doesn't mean anything but that he may not fully understand why people, specifically black people, are so upset about this case. Before the Trayvon Martin killing there were many events that happened that got black people brewing with unrest and anger. There have been cases where black men have been beaten, tortured, shot, and wrongly convicted on little or no evidence that they were a threat over the course of the last decade and even before. The outpouring of support generally did not reach this level and even if people were outraged and ready for political action the interest waned and there was little if any resolution. But I think what's different about Trayvon Martin is that he was a teenager, unarmed, and did not provoke, as far as we know, any of the events that led to his tragic shooting. Also we have a small window into the events of that night through 911 tapes and video footage of George Zimmerman after the shooting. In the 911 tapes there is a racial slur used on the phone, the 911 operator tells Mr. Zimmerman not to follow Trayvon and then there are yells for help which have been attributed to Trayvon before the audible gun shot that took his life. The fact that the event happened over a month ago and George Zimmerman is still out of prison is an outrage. Also the Stand Your Ground Law which Zimmerman's defense is trying to use in order to say that he was acting in self defense has made people even more upset because there is little to no evidence that Zimmerman was attacked by Trayvon and by his own admission he followed Trayvon because he thought he was up to no good and didn't want him to get away.

The situation is a nightmare for the families involved and for our nation as a whole. The fact that a young teenage, black male was gunned down for nothing other than trying to find out who was following him is an eye opening reminder that America has not healed its racial wounds. Many people began saying after President Obama won the election in 2008 that issues of race were over because a black man held the highest office in the land. However, that is not true. If anything the election of Obama and this recent death of Trayvon have proved that Americans are still very racially divided. Many people questioned Obama's birth in the United States because of his name and you might wonder if it also had to do with his skin color. There was the issue with Obama's former pastor who had said some things that were racist against white people and had to be addressed by Senator Obama at the time. Right after President Obama took office there was a cartoon that seemingly depicted him as a monkey in addition to he and his wife being portrayed as terrorists on the cover of The New Yorker. Fast forward 3 odd years later and Trayvon has once again opened up the dialogue for talks about whether race is still relevant in our society. And one of the most circulated critiques came from Geraldo Rivera who said on national television that black and Latino youths who wear hoodies are asking to get shot because they are associating themselves with gangs and criminals. So if there were any doubt in any one's mind about whether or not race is still a prevalent issue today that question should have been answered in the last month.

So back to Toure and Piers. I totally agree with Toure that Piers is too new to the nation to understand what all is going on here with the protesting of Trayvon's death and Zimmerman's freedom. Piers does not share a common heritage with us in the sense that many Americans have parents or grandparents who lived through segregation, were involved in the Civil Rights Movement and have benefited from gains made in the Civil Rights Movement only to see that the victory is slowly slipping away. I think that many people feel like Trayvon's death is a modern version of a lynching. Toure equated the feelings he felt about the Trayvon case to the photo of Emmett Till's disfigured body in his casket. And the difference is that during the murder of Emmett Till the black community was just waking up to the realization of the power of its unified voice, now the black community is repossessing that voice by keeping an unrelenting vigil for Trayvon. Piers cannot understand that because he has not lived it. And I challenge Toure to ask Piers if he would even know about the struggles that are being faced by minorities in his own country let alone ours. Piers became overly defensive at Toure's accusation that he simply did not get it when it comes to the sensitivity of race in this country but I think his defensiveness came because he knew deep down that Toure was right.

I really and truly hope that people monitoring the Trayvon case, watching CNN, and voicing their own opinions by wearing hoodies or signing the petition for Trayvon will really examine themselves to determine how they can be a catalyst for social change. We have been in the struggle for a long time and it is nowhere near over but it can get better than where are right now.


Piers Morgan
Toure
Toure Apology
Piers Morgan Tonight
The Daily Beast Article
Huffington Post Article
Petition for the Prosecution of George Zimmerman