Just Sayin' Hi

This week has been no joke! It has been long, difficult and hard. I had a week off with spring break which was actually not a break for me because I was running around looking for any credible business that would hire me. But then after all that I had to get up at 6 am again to be with the kiddies all day. The first three days I think I was completely asleep all day. But by the end of the week I was getting back into the groove. The kiddies were also adjusting to being back and that brought trials of its own but at least we all made it through alive. I fortunately/unfortunately was not able to find a job for this past Thursday so I had a little one day break which was desperately needed because I was so exhausted. However there were positives to this week. I had one job offer and another job interview. Both the jobs are part time but at least I can know when school ends that I will have something else to go to. Also I am really excited about the interview that I had with the last job, and I am hoping that it is the place that I end up getting to work for. This past week I also had to rely on Quick Curls from Miss Jessie's because I did not have time to do the 24 hr wait with Curly Meringue. And I am pleased to say that Quick Curls came through again. This time I was not able to let my hair dry before doing the twists. I did the twists on freshly washed hair. When I got up in the morning it was still wet but I just unraveled the twists gently and did not manipulate them too much. My hair dried gradually through the day and once I was able to get some Shea Moisture Hair Milk on it, it was fine. So I had a very good hair week. Other than those little tidbits nothing is very new. I had a rough day on Thursday because I let my emotions get the best of me. I was really sad and threw a pity party because I was unhappy with the way things look right now. I'm still dealing with the fact that this is not where I want to be in my life right now. There so much that I want and the main priority is a full time job which could lead to debt freedom, a house, and so much more. Two weeks ago I got an email from a museum that I had applied for a job at that I had not been chosen. I think I had some pent up anger and frustration about that because it seems like I keep getting rejected from all the good stuff that I want and I keep getting accepted by the stuff I don't want. That's really difficult. So I have been dealing with issues of rejection, disappointment, and weariness. I am feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. I had a reminder of Isaiah 40:29 today. That God gives strength to the weary, and that those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength. It's comforting but it's really not what I want right now. I want a timeline of how much longer all this stuff is going to go on. In my Oswald Chambers "My Utmost for His Highest" today he said that too often we complain when God burdens us in an effort to move us closer to Him. We whine instead of becoming the wine that He is pressing us into. I am definitely there. I want to be a regular person. I want to be normal. I want to have a same as everybody else life and I don't and I don't think that I ever will. And I have to accept that and believe that it really is for my good that God is doing all of this. Sometimes I feel overlooked and left out like God is picking a kickball team and I am the last one standing on the line waiting to be picked. I feel like that most of the time. I feel like everybody else is on the team and I am begging to get picked too but for some reason it is taking a long time for Him to decide if He wants me or not. I know in my head better than that but my feelings do get hurt when I feel like God is rewarding people who seemingly do not have to struggle for anything. They make their mind up to do something and it gets done. All the doors open and all the circumstances go their way. All I want is a job with some benefits so I can get some contacts and get my teeth cleaned and that feels like I'm asking too much. Life is definitely not fair. But I have to believe that on the other side of the hurt and the pain is something that is good and that it is from God. He may have me in a holding pattern but I have to believe that it will get better. If I didn't believe that I would give up right now and quit. So I have just resolved to do whatever I have to do and to walk through whatever door opens until I know exactly what all of this is for. And that is hard because we often think that we have it planned so perfectly and that if God would do it our way it would just be great. But I think because we do that He uses the things we least expect or like the least to get us to where we want to be the most. So until I get to where I want to be I'm surviving where I am. It's hard, it's tough, and it is daunting but I'm still alive.