Well the end of the fourth month of the year is on Monday. It seems like April just started and it's now almost over. The first week of April I was at home and also out looking for jobs. I heard back from two of the jobs I applied for and I am about to second interview for one of them. So I am really glad that I will have a summer job that will hopefully extend long term and I will hopefully be able to pair it with something else or either go back to subbing in the fall. I had another first in April as well. I subbed a whole week with one class. They were really cute Kindergartners. I really grew to like them a lot and over the course of the week I think they liked me as well. It was really nice having a regular routine and seeing the same faces everyday. I hope I get to sub for them again before the end of the school year. This past week I had another first as well. I worked with Pre-K students, 4 year olds. I had only been with one Pre-K class prior to the three that I was with this week but I really like Pre-K. They are so cute and so little still. I had a special affection for a little boy who became my friend this week. I think he barely reaches my knees when it comes to his height but his personality is much bigger than he is. He was sitting on my lap this week and he put his finger on one of my curls. He then told me that I needed to comb my hair when I got home. He is so sweet and so funny and has the cutest face. So it was a really long, tiring week but a good one still.
This week I had a chance to read my bible a little bit before school and I was reminded of some verses that God had given me last year. They were 1 Peter 5:7, Psalm 121, and Psalm 55:22. I was feeling anxious that day and also burdened because my mother is getting ready to move offices to another side of town which means that I will not be able to work at my preferred school anymore. That was troubling for me because I really like the place and the people. It's more than a school, it feels like a family. When I first started subbing I was going to different places all the time and then one day one of the secretaries asked for my number and said she would keep my on the sub list. I really didn't think much of it but she kept her word and it is the school that I have subbed at the most. It makes such a big difference when you know the school, its schedule and the staff. I love it there and the thought of not being able to sub there and my days of being able to sub there being numbered makes me really sad and also angry. It seems like whenever I get settled somewhere I am always having to move. I was really starting to like New Jersey so much when I had to leave there. I was really liking tutoring so much when I had to leave there. And now the school that I really like will be too far out of the way for me to get there starting in the middle of May. I feel picked on. So I drew encouragement from those scriptures this week but I am still dealing with the fact that I don't like having to change from the school that I really like to ones that I don't know. And I have subbed in enough other schools to know that not all schools have the same kind of staff that the school I like has. Some of the people are just rude and don't really care that you're there because you are the sub whereas my favorite school treats there subs really nicely and makes them feel welcome even if they are only there for a day. So I have some mixed feelings about all this going on.
And in the midst of all that going on I am still having a hard time with the fact that the jobs I have been applying for that have been full time with benefits jobs, I have not been able to get. It's really aggravating still having to live with a parent and not being able to secure a full time job so I can pay my bills save up to move and get out of here. I really desire and crave my own life and I feel so stuck right now that the hope of that seems to be fading. I have been subbing for the majority of the days that I can work with the exception of days that there are not jobs available or like this past Monday when I had to go register to vote so I could participate in the North Carolina primary. Other than that I have been subbing as much as I can and I don't make enough money to do anything really other than buy the things that I need and have a few meals out. It feels like a never-ending cylcle. I get up tired and I go to bed tired and at the end of a pay cycle I have very little to show for it. But I guess a lot of people feel that way these days. But I am still baffled by why I can't get a full time job and the only jobs that will accept me pay a piddly amount by the hour. I would think that a bachelor or Master's degree would at least be enough to help me get a customer service job or a secretarial position but everyone keeps responding that I don't have enough experience. It's so frustrating.
What I desire more than anything is to have my own life. I want to have my own home, pay off all my bills, get a dog, have a job that I really like and be able to go and do things that I really want to do and not do things I'm made to do or have to live my life around someonelse's life or schedule. I don't understand why it has been so hard for me to get out of this and I don't understand why things have not changed more quickly. I won't say I have done all I can because that would probably not be true but I know that there are people who do a lot less than all they can and still come out on top, it isn't fair. I think I am also disappointed because I was hoping that this year would be different, big different. Different in very noticeable and enjoyable ways. It has been different but with more of the same than anything exciting or new. I was really hoping that 2012 would be the year that everything changed for me but it is already four months in and not very much has changed. The good thing is that at least I'm working but it's not a job that I really enjoy or want to do, it's just what I could find. I want to be able to do something that I want to do and enjoy my life. I am not enjoying my life right now. I am lonely and friendless and I don't have any fun. Most nights I get picked up from school, drop my mom back off at work, race home to cook dinner, race back to pick up my mom and then drive home again to eat and watch a few minutes of TV before the exhaustion catches up with me and I go to sleep. Not very momentous or exciting. Oswald Chambers calls it the valley or the grey of daily life or drudgery. It is very hard to stay positive in the drudgery because we want to live on the mountaintop. The mountaintop are those seasons, days, or times in our lives where things are exceptionally good and everything goes exceptionally well and boosts us up to where we want to be. That is what I want. I want a mountaintop experience because I have been in the valley for 4 years. I'm tired of being rejected, losing everything, and being looked down on by my friends and family because I don't have anything. I feel like a loser. I don't want to be a loser anymore. I want to win at something, anything, but mainly at having a job and a life. It seems like the least anyone expects you to be able to accomplish in life are those two things and I would like to at least have that.
I really hope May is better and I really hope that the rest of the year holds more to be desired than these first few have.
This week I had a chance to read my bible a little bit before school and I was reminded of some verses that God had given me last year. They were 1 Peter 5:7, Psalm 121, and Psalm 55:22. I was feeling anxious that day and also burdened because my mother is getting ready to move offices to another side of town which means that I will not be able to work at my preferred school anymore. That was troubling for me because I really like the place and the people. It's more than a school, it feels like a family. When I first started subbing I was going to different places all the time and then one day one of the secretaries asked for my number and said she would keep my on the sub list. I really didn't think much of it but she kept her word and it is the school that I have subbed at the most. It makes such a big difference when you know the school, its schedule and the staff. I love it there and the thought of not being able to sub there and my days of being able to sub there being numbered makes me really sad and also angry. It seems like whenever I get settled somewhere I am always having to move. I was really starting to like New Jersey so much when I had to leave there. I was really liking tutoring so much when I had to leave there. And now the school that I really like will be too far out of the way for me to get there starting in the middle of May. I feel picked on. So I drew encouragement from those scriptures this week but I am still dealing with the fact that I don't like having to change from the school that I really like to ones that I don't know. And I have subbed in enough other schools to know that not all schools have the same kind of staff that the school I like has. Some of the people are just rude and don't really care that you're there because you are the sub whereas my favorite school treats there subs really nicely and makes them feel welcome even if they are only there for a day. So I have some mixed feelings about all this going on.
And in the midst of all that going on I am still having a hard time with the fact that the jobs I have been applying for that have been full time with benefits jobs, I have not been able to get. It's really aggravating still having to live with a parent and not being able to secure a full time job so I can pay my bills save up to move and get out of here. I really desire and crave my own life and I feel so stuck right now that the hope of that seems to be fading. I have been subbing for the majority of the days that I can work with the exception of days that there are not jobs available or like this past Monday when I had to go register to vote so I could participate in the North Carolina primary. Other than that I have been subbing as much as I can and I don't make enough money to do anything really other than buy the things that I need and have a few meals out. It feels like a never-ending cylcle. I get up tired and I go to bed tired and at the end of a pay cycle I have very little to show for it. But I guess a lot of people feel that way these days. But I am still baffled by why I can't get a full time job and the only jobs that will accept me pay a piddly amount by the hour. I would think that a bachelor or Master's degree would at least be enough to help me get a customer service job or a secretarial position but everyone keeps responding that I don't have enough experience. It's so frustrating.
What I desire more than anything is to have my own life. I want to have my own home, pay off all my bills, get a dog, have a job that I really like and be able to go and do things that I really want to do and not do things I'm made to do or have to live my life around someonelse's life or schedule. I don't understand why it has been so hard for me to get out of this and I don't understand why things have not changed more quickly. I won't say I have done all I can because that would probably not be true but I know that there are people who do a lot less than all they can and still come out on top, it isn't fair. I think I am also disappointed because I was hoping that this year would be different, big different. Different in very noticeable and enjoyable ways. It has been different but with more of the same than anything exciting or new. I was really hoping that 2012 would be the year that everything changed for me but it is already four months in and not very much has changed. The good thing is that at least I'm working but it's not a job that I really enjoy or want to do, it's just what I could find. I want to be able to do something that I want to do and enjoy my life. I am not enjoying my life right now. I am lonely and friendless and I don't have any fun. Most nights I get picked up from school, drop my mom back off at work, race home to cook dinner, race back to pick up my mom and then drive home again to eat and watch a few minutes of TV before the exhaustion catches up with me and I go to sleep. Not very momentous or exciting. Oswald Chambers calls it the valley or the grey of daily life or drudgery. It is very hard to stay positive in the drudgery because we want to live on the mountaintop. The mountaintop are those seasons, days, or times in our lives where things are exceptionally good and everything goes exceptionally well and boosts us up to where we want to be. That is what I want. I want a mountaintop experience because I have been in the valley for 4 years. I'm tired of being rejected, losing everything, and being looked down on by my friends and family because I don't have anything. I feel like a loser. I don't want to be a loser anymore. I want to win at something, anything, but mainly at having a job and a life. It seems like the least anyone expects you to be able to accomplish in life are those two things and I would like to at least have that.
I really hope May is better and I really hope that the rest of the year holds more to be desired than these first few have.
No comments:
Post a Comment