More Than One Soap

I mentioned previously that I was reading a book by Nora Ephron. In it she tells stories from her life as well as some of her own personal philosophies. She states that, "You can order more than one dessert." That's an opinion that I quite agree with her on. I will have to make sure that I take that advice at some point in the future. But for right now I am applying it to soap. Today I was in Trader Joe's picking out groceries for this week when I found myself in the cosmetics isle. The selection of cosmetic products isn't what it has been at some of the other Trader Joe's stores that I have been to. But nonetheless it's still good. I noticed for the first time today that they had these different bar soaps. I usually don't stray from my Oil of Olay with Shea Butter soap but I was intrigued to smell the soaps. So I did. And I was immediately excited. They have lavender, green tea, lemon, oatmeal, tea tree, and honey soap. I was addicted instantly to the lavender, lemon and tea tree. Tea tree has become one of my most favorite things. I use it on my face and in my hair already but I think now I'll be using it all over. So I was most excited about all these different choices that I could choose from. But I thought, " I already have a bar of soap at home. I should just wait until I use that." But then I had a thought about what Nora had said. Why not have more than one soap and why not have a soap that makes you feel and smell good? I think that this could be a new beginning of something for me. In the past I have lived a very indulgent existence where I just bought whatever I wanted with not foresight that it might be using up money that I needed for something that was really important. Then I had a wake up call and realized that this way of living only leads to heartbreak. So I have been trying to live as frugally as possible and not use my money for extravagances but only things I absolutely need with a few wants thrown in. But I think I realized today that just because I'm living frugally doesn't mean that I can't live. I have to have fun when and where I can because the opportunity may not present itself on its own very often. So if spicing up my choice of soap makes my shower better and makes me smell better and feel better then I think it's a good thing to do. And why can't I have more than one soap? You always need soap, right? So I am really excited to try my new lavender soap and I am thinking about adding to it tea tree soap just because it's a natural antiseptic and it's also good for helping with breakouts and dry skin. So two soaps, I know it's wild. But I am excited about. You live once, so why not smell great and feel great too while you're at it! 

Just A Reminder...

This past week I had a great reminder of God's goodness and love and care for me. I had some great needs. I recently started a part time job and they changed the dress code and all the items that I needed to have were to be had by the end of next week. I was panicked because I knew I didn't have the money to get everything that I needed and I was going to have to ask for help from my dad. I wasn't sure he would be able to contribute and I knew that I was not going to have the money for what I needed by the time I would need it but I prayed about it. Before my parents left for their vacation I spoke with my dad and he asked me if there was anything that I needed and so I had an opportunity to tell him about all the things that I was going to need for work and how much it was going to cost. He said that he would see what he could do. So then the end of that week I got a check in the mail from him for the low end of the range that I had given but was still grateful because it was more than I had to start with. So I started looking this past week for what I needed to complete my outfit. I was shocked to say the least by the prices that I was seeing for what we needed. There were some items that would have taken what I had plus more just for that one thing. So I prayed again about the fact that I needed a complete outfit and I needed it to be under a certain figure. So I prayed in the car and then walked into my job about 10 minutes later. When I got there everyone was talking about a certain sweater that we needed and how the store that we needed to get it from was offering the sweater on sale and also at a VERY generous discount to our staff. I was overjoyed. I may have even shrieked with excitement. So that evening when I got off I went to the store and asked about getting the sweater. The manager helped me and was so nice. She couldn't find the sweater in the size that I wanted because they were all sold out but she said that she would track down one in the next size down and she felt that it would be a good fit since the sweater ran big. So I gave her my name and number and she said she would call when she found one for me. I rushed out of there to the next store to see if I could find the pants and shirt that I needed. I went into the store and saw that the jeans that I needed were on sale for $17 when they were originally $34.50. I was so excited I was thanking Jesus in the store. Then I turned around and saw that they had one of the shirts that I needed for work in my size. A lot of my co-workers had to order theirs because they were not in stock. But there was exactly what I needed in the store. I went into the dressing room to try on my shirt and pants and then got a call from the manager at the previous store that she had found my sweater and was going to order it for me. It was really exciting! So then I decided to go with the shirt and pants that I had found. On top of the discount that I was getting for the jeans I had a 20% off coupon from the website that I could use for all the clothing that I was getting. So I saved on my sweater, shirt and jeans. That night I went online to look for the shoes and the belt that I would need. I saw that there was a belt and shoes in my size online but I wanted to make sure that the shoes would be okay with my manager and that the belt was going to be okay in the size that I needed. So I went to the store and tried on the belt in two sizes but it was too small so I was going to have to order it in a larger size online. Then I looked for the shoes that I had seen online but they were not in the store. So I checked with my supervisor that evening and they approved the shoes for me. There was a 25% off code that expired that night so I raced home to get it in time. So what had started out as a kind of stressful week in terms of how I was going to find and buy all the things I needed ended as a testimony to God's goodness and faithfulness. It may have just been clothes but they were clothes that I needed in order to work at my job that I really like and want to keep and without any extra coming in from subbing I only had what my dad sent me to work with. So with everything that I bought and all the savings and discounts I got all that I needed plus an extra pair of jeans for less than what my dad had sent me with a whopping $16.95 left over! God is good! I was just so thankful that what looked like it was going to be a difficult situation really worked out for my good in the end and it made me feel so good that God heard my prayer and provided all these avenues to help me to get exactly what I needed for what I had in my bank account and not a penny more and there was some left over which provided food for me to be able to eat until my mom got back into town. It was great and I am so thankful that not only will I have everything that I need but I will have it on time and have it complete, nothing missing nothing broken. So I am just really thankful for the reminder that God is with me in this and that I am not alone and he makes a way where there seems to be no way.

Getting to Know Nora

In the last month I have been reading a lot about and by Nora Ephron. I was saddened to hear that she passed away on June 17th of this year. I am a huge fan of her movies (When Harry Met Sally, Hanging Up, Sleepless in Seattle, You've Got Mail, and Julie and Julia). Unlike many of today's romantic comedies I believe that she wrote about relateable experiences in real life dialogue. And she created characters who had depth and brains unlike many of the movies today that are far too screwball comedy for you to ever believe that the people in the lead roles should ever be together. But Nora's movies were genius. I especially love When Harry Met Sally and the dialogue about love, life, and ordering on the side that Harry and Sally share.

But since Nora's passing I have been looking up essays that she wrote and have also read some of her items that have been reprinted in her honor. She was so funny and relatable and I find myself laughing out loud as if I am having a really great conversation with a really old friend. She just got it so much. She understood the things that we care about that in the end don't really matter like having seasonal purses or pretending not to want dessert when everyone else declines it at the table. I read several of her essays and then promptly but a hold on several of her books at my local library. I really enjoy reading her essays and I really like the fact that they jump right in to the subject matter at hand as if you and Nora are already in a conversation. There's no formality or tidy ending but just observation and wit and then on to the next thing.

I don't think that I would have been in Nora's circle because politically and socially we were on opposite ends of the totem pole but I would have loved to overhear conversation at her dinner parties or her take on new cuisine in NYC's culinary social scene. Or just what she thought in general about this, that, or the other. I'm sad she's gone because I think she was one of those once in a generation, once in a lifetime kind of personalities. But I'm happy for what she's left behind for us to remember her by.

Staycation

The last two weeks were a welcomed respite of solitude and quiet. My mom left town to go on vacation with my dad and I was left here. I rather wish that my staycation could have been somewhere more exciting like NYC or Savannah. But nonetheless it has been much enjoyed and needed. I am often by myself but only for a few hours at a time. I don't have days on end to be by myself and set my own pace and schedule. I also enjoyed the fact that I didn't have to share my space. Although I am quiet grateful to have a place to live it is quite uncomfortable knowing that I am in someonelse's home and space and not my own. So it was nice, even though it's still not my home, to have some space to myself. I enjoyed it very much and it gave me time to rest and relax and enjoy my time. I worked quite a bit this week which I enjoyed too. I'm having fun at my new job and learning to become part of the team and learning the tools of the trade. So it's been a really good week this week. The weather also has been much better and that has helped too. Last week we had a record breaking heat wave of temperatures in the high 90s and low 100s, needless to say the high seventies and mid eighties are much welcomed.

So tonight is the end of my staycation and although I am somewhat sad to see it go I am glad to get back, somewhat, to the routine of things. I am in pursuit of a full time job and moving forward with my life and there are things that I need to do in order to accomplish both of those things. So there will be things to come in the next two months that hopefully will help me to get to the point of achieving both of those goals.

Hopefully my next -cation will be a vacation and I will get a chance to go off on my own sometime to a place that I enjoy. I'm really looking forward to that!

Feeling Down Over Downton Abbey

Downton Abbey is my new favorite thing to watch. I know I missed the initial craze over the show but I am now fully on board. It all started one Friday evening when my mother and I rented it from our nearest Redbox. I wasn't even sure that we would like it but thought it was a better choice than the movies that were available. Little did I know that we would embark on an all night Downton Marathon in which we watched all but one episode of the first season. We were immediately hooked.

Fast forward a few weeks and I decided that I would buy the second season of Downton and then sell it back once we had exhausted ourselves of it. So last night I went out to sell my Downton for what I hoped would be most or all of my money back. Instead I got $7 for it, hardly worth the selling. What is bothering my today is that I took the $7 and didn't just take back my DVD. It was certainly worth more than that to me and although I desperately need the money because I don't have my sub checks coming in regularly anymore, Downton was certainly worth keeping. But I think what is bothering me more is that I just accepted the deal rather than either fighting for more or just taking my goods back. I should have had more value in myself and my product than to settle for such a low amount. Of course I would like to still have Downton because I like watching the show but I was also hopeful that I would have a few extra dollars to work with as well since I have some needs that I can't meet right now and still can't meet because of the amount I got for the DVDs.

I think that this is just one of those life lessons that unless you're really comfortable with the decision you're about to make or the options that someone gives you it's best to hold off. I wasn't being pressured by the sales person to commit to what they were giving me and I definitely had to take a pause to think about whether I wanted to settle for the amount they quoted. The choices in my mind at the time were either the money or the store credit. I completely overlooked the fact that I had the choice of not selling. I didn't give voice to what I could or in hindsight should have done. I quieted my own chance to choose for myself and not allow myself to have an offer worth taking. I think that's what's bothering me today more than the $7 bucks I got for a two-week-old-never-been-used-by-anyone-but-me DVD set.

So what did I learn from this little exercise in decision making: weigh the options carefully and don't always take the obvious options because there just might be one more you haven't considered that would make you happier.

Remembering Michael

Three years ago about this time I got a text message from a friend of mine. I had just gotten home from a long day of serving coffee and standing on my feet. In the text she sent she said that prayers were going out to the family of Michael Jackson. I thought that it was a hoax and that surely it couldn't be true. I flipped over to the news from what I was watching and they weren't talking about it. So I flipped back to what I was watching and then I decided to check the last few minutes of the news and there it was as big as day that Michael Jackson was indeed dead. I couldn't believe it. I immediately called my best friend, my mom, my dad and my grandma. It was just completely shocking to me that he was gone.

It's hard to believe that that was three years ago today. The loss is still really profound because Michael was such an integral part of music for four decades. His Thriller album is the best selling album of all time with an estimated 65-100 million copies sold world wide. Amazing! And don't even get me started about the dancing. Michael was able to somehow enmesh music in his movements. As Berry Gordy said at his funeral, "He was quite simply the greatest entertainer of all time." Michael had immense gifts and talents and was here for only a short time before his disappearance. But we still have the music and the memories he left behind.

I feel really sad when I hear some Michael Jackson songs because I feel like he was always searching for something that he never quite found. I think he was always wanting to outdo or top himself but he never realized that he had already made it. He had already inked his name in the annals of history as one of the greats, a legend in his own time. I also feel like Michael quite simply needed Jesus. He needed to know that in spite of a bad childhood and rumours and speculations that there was someone who cared for him just for him and not the money or the fame. I really wish he had found that while he was here because I think it would have made a profound difference in his life.

I woke up today and I saw the date June 25 and I couldn't quite remember why this date was significant but I felt for some reason that is was. At first I thought it might be a family member's birthday. But then I saw a small link on the MSN homepage that was talking about it and I remembered why this date was significant.

Michael Jackson will always be special for so many reasons but I think above all else he cared about people and connecting with them. I think he had a really great insight into the human condition and great empathy for people around the world in need. Listen to songs like Earth Song, Will You Be There or Man in the Mirror and it's easy to see that he was a person who loved people.

God's Love

I really liked Dory in the movie Finding Nemo and I am finding this cartoon fish's advice to be very useful at this time in my life. I just have to keep swimming. My last post was about the valley of humiliation and the desert of anonymity and obscurity. I am still there at least presently, and I am hopefully moving out of them gradually or perhaps even quickly. I have been struggling the last week because I have been feeling out of place since school is over. I used to have all the free time in the world and wished for something to do. Then I found something to do and had very little free time but I felt purposeful. Now I am back to having very little to do and I don't like it. But it has made me question things on a much grander scale. What am I supposed to be doing with my life? I like working as a substitute especially for the preschool program but that is not what I want to do with my life. I don't feel called to do that. And I keep wondering what the vision for my life is. Was the vision DC but I had to go away to become who I really was before I could return? Or is the vision something totally different that is unimaginable to me at this moment? I have no idea and I don't like that. I would like to be able to have a plan. But it seems like anytime I make a plan it falls through. Does that mean that I am not supposed to be planning anything? Does it mean that I am just supposed to do the things where the doors are open for me right now and then wait for the rest of it to fall into place? It's very confusing, frustrating, and troubling. Yesterday Pastor Gool was preaching about why we need the Word. And he was talking about how we use the Word to build our faith. He was saying that a lot of us are not seeing our faith work because it [our faith] isn't rooted in God's love for us. We think that if we're good and we do things that are good that God will reward us for being good and our good deeds. But Pastor Gool was emphasizing that God's goodness toward us is not based on anything that we can do on our own but based on everything that Jesus has already done for us through the cross. We are righteous in Jesus which gives us the ability to come before God's throne boldly and ask for what we need. Another revelation that Pastor Gool taught was that God loves us just as much, no more no less, as Jesus. That's a little overwhelming to think about, feel and know. But I believe it's true. Last month I was reading My Utmost for His Highest and Oswald Chambers said, "Never let cares or circumstances separate you from the fact that God loves you." I have been trying to embrace this fact ever since then. But it is very hard to feel loved when it seems like everything is going wrong. My whole life crashed down around me and it seems like it is taking forever to get back up. Every full time position I've applied for in the last five years I've been rejected from. I had only a temporary contract job in both 2010 and 2011. And then this year I worked for a few months as a substitute teacher but it's not permanent and sometimes there aren't jobs available everyday. Not to mention the fact that I have been living with my parents for the last two and a half years. It is very hard to feel that God loves me in the midst of all of that. I have also been struggling with comparisons as well. Sometimes I look at the lives of friends or people I know who don't have a relationship with God and others who even have chosen not to have a relationship with God and they are successful, they have homes, jobs, families, and financial security. I don't begrudge them any of it but I am perplexed why people who fail to acknowledge God and have lived however they have wanted are doing so much better than I am. Not that I feel like I am better than them but I feel like if God is on my side why am I faring so poorly. No job, no family, no home, and struggling for everything. That is the big question : Why? I just don't understand and it does make me feel at times unloved, rejected, forgotten, and like I'm being punished. It sometimes feels like if I could only know what I did that was wrong I could make it right. But I don't know that that is realistic or true. Yesterday at church Mrs. Gool was singing a word from the Lord about this very thing. She was saying that God sees your tears, knows your needs, but isn't worried about how to get you where you're going. He understands that you have a lot of questions because you don't understand what's going on. And if I remember correctly she was saying that your breakthrough was coming or the thing that you needed was coming. I remember thinking I hope that word is for me. I've been in a lot of services and heard words about changes and breakthroughs and hoped that they were for me but then there were not noticeable changes that I could see or went through and I just assumed those words weren't for me. And thinking back they could have been for me but maybe they just haven't occurred as quickly as I thought that they would have. But I feel pressured. I'm 30 and I need a full time job and my own home. Just several weeks ago I wasn't even sure I would have a job for the summer and then I did have one and I was really thankful for it but now I am feeling pressured because my first two weeks on the job I haven't been working enough. I really long to get to a point where I have control over my own life. At least as far as decisions and day to day planning goes. I feel tossed around and controlled by what other people do and I have felt that way for the last two and half years. I really want a job that's my own that I really love, my own home that I can feel comfortable in because it's mine, and I really want to know where I belong. I am still struggling with the fact that I feel so disconnected here and it's not really my ideal place to live. That would be New York. I really want a lot of things to change, very very badly and I know that at this point that it has to be a God thing to get those changes because in and of myself those changes won't happen. I know that God loves me and I know He has a good plan for my life, I just wish I could know when that good plan was to go into effect. But I guess the most important thing is just knowing God's love for me and knowing that He doesn't want me struggling and in need forever and always. And that this is just a season of my life, it won't last always, but believe me it has lasted long enough. I am tired of being in constant need and tired of not getting the call back or the positive answer. I want to win. Yesterday I went to a museum here and saw two really great exhibitions. And I was just more than sure of the fact that museum work is what I want to do. I love museums, I love culture and people, and I want to have a job that allows for me to educate, inform and entertain all at the same time and to me that is what exhibitions can do. I feel like that is my calling but I am just not sure how to get there because all the ways that I have tried have not worked. So I am just going to have to rely on the Lord to open doors and make a way for me to get to that point of being able to do the work that I would like to do.

A Valley of Humiliation and a Desert of Anonymity and Obscurity

Last night I was journaling and came across an Oswald Chambers devotion in My Utmost for His Highest (July 6) in which Chambers talks about how we often get a glimpse of the vision that God has for our lives and then we are taken down into the valley of humiliation to be shaped and molded into who we are supposed to be in order to get to the vision. Then this morning I was reading Christine Caine's blog and she was talking about the same thing but she referred to it as a desert of anonymity and obscurity. When I was journaling last night I was thinking about two things that had happened that had made me feel like I was in a valley of humiliation and a desert of anonymity and obscurity. The first thing was attending my younger first cousin's graduation this past weekend. He is 17 and going to college in the fall and I am excited for him to accomplish this chapter of his life and begin the next chapter of his life. But I couldn't help but think of when I graduated from college 12 years ago and all the things that I hoped and dreamed at the time. When I graduated I wanted to major in history and I wanted to work for the State Department and travel the world. Then I got to college and found out that what I really wanted to do was work in a museum. When I was a high school student and getting ready for starting my life I never saw or imagined the twists and turns that my life might take and I never imagined any detours. Looking back now high school and that time right after are almost magical because there is so much to be optimistic about you haven't, most students anyway, realized that life sometimes can be extremely unpredictable. The second thing that happened is that someone I used to be very good friends with but then fell out of contact with recently contacted me. I really never imagined that this person would contact me again, I felt and thought that the friendship was completely over. But they contacted me to my surprise. We haven't really spoken to one another, except for birthday wishes on Facebook, in two years and so much has changed for them for the better and so much has not changed for me. They asked me how I was doing and I was hesitant to respond and have actually not responded back as of right now because I am not sure how to answer. Part of me feels that because this person and I are not as close of friends as we used to be that I need to be as little forthcoming with details as possible because I would not like to feel like I could unload or divulge the things that have happened over the past two years to someone who really was just asking to be polite and didn't really care about all that has been going on in my life. Then something else occurred to me too which should have probably been obvious at the very beginning. The primary reason I don't want to tell this person about how I am doing is because I am ashamed of how I am doing. This person has accomplished some social milestones that I have not and they are doing very well. But I have not progressed near as much as I would have liked to in the time that we have been apart and there I am humiliated and ashamed of where I am. Last night I was okay with these feelings but today has been very difficult for me dealing with all of those emotions. And I am not in anyway charging this person with bringing up these feelings that I have. Those feelings have been there all along they are just below the surface and not generally paraded around for the world to see. But I was feeling this way this past weekend as well when I was with my family. I was at the graduation of one cousin, then another cousin just moved and got a great new job, another cousin has gotten married and had a child and another cousin is working and raising there child as well. With all that amongst my first cousins it can feel a little intimidating not having anything to bring to the table. I don't have a full time job right now, I live with my mother and I am 30, I am not dating, married or have any children. Socially that is a little depressing when I look at other people's lives and then compare my own. I know that everyone travels at there own pace and some people get to certain points in their lives before others but I guess I always thought of myself as one of the people that would be lumped in with the crowd instead of lagging behind trying to catch up. I get what Oswald and Christine are saying, I really do. And most of the time I try not to think about what all these other people are accomplishing that I have not accomplished. Just last week I was trying to think of the things that I had done that some of these other people had not done but in comparison it just didn't feel like much. But that's where I am, in the valley, on the Potter's wheel, and it has been a long time spinning. I constantly am wondering if I am there yet or will I even get there because it seems like this season has been so long. It feels unending because I can't see what's next. I also was thinking about in light of what Oswald Chambers wrote and then what Christine wrote have I even seen a glimpse of what God has for my future? I remember in 2011 Prophet Phil Cappucio came to LOJ, my church in Jersey. He said that you needed to have a vision for your life of where God is leading you and what He is calling you to do. In Oswald and Christine's writings they too were saying that God gives us a glimpse of the vision and then sometimes takes us away from it and then molds us into who we need to be in order to be able accomplish that vision. At one time I would have said that the vision for my life was to work in a museum and live in DC. That was what I believed the Lord had called me to do. And sometimes I have wondered if I would ever be able to go back to DC. I've wondered if living in DC for the short time that I was there was a taste of what could be. And I have also wondered if DC was just my vision/dream and not what God wanted for me to do and that is why it didn't work out. Even when I was living in DC I wondered if God was giving me a little taste of the dream I had because I wouldn't be staying in that vision in the future. Then when I got to New Jersey I thought that that was where I was supposed to be. I thought that eventually I would get a job in New York or in Jersey and move out of my dad's apartment and get my own place but that didn't happen either. And two things are important to note. In DC I never found the right church for me. There was work that I did that I loved but I never clicked with a church there which I have now come to see is very important. In Jersey I LOVED my church but I couldn't find work. I came to a point of realizing that anywhere that I would live in the future would have to have the right combination of both the right church and the right work, so those were two lessons that I learned from those experiences. After Jersey I unintentionally moved to North Carolina. I basically came to help my mom but ended up staying when a job opportunity arose. Then I started with the substitute teaching and even though I liked working with the preschool kids and I like working at the school I was at the majority of the time I don't feel like that is what I absolutely want to do with my life or like I am called to do that work with my life. So I am at a point now where I feel like I just don't know what the vision for my life is. There have been a few details that I have received from the Lord through people who have prayed for me and who I have shared my story with. But I don't feel like I know exactly where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing when I get there. If I could create a vision for my life I would say it would be that I would live in Brooklyn, NY and work at a social history museum in either Brooklyn, Manhattan or Queens. There are several that I can think of and I would want to be at the one that would be the best for me. Also living in Brooklyn would put me in close enough proximity to Jersey so that I could still make it to my church. But that dream seems really far away and near impossible. But how do I know if that dream is something that God has laid on my heart and can happen versus something that I just dreamed up because I like New York and I like museums? I am believing for a revelation of what the vision of my life is and where God is leading me and guiding me. Christine referred to finding your calling or seeing the vision for your life as an adventure. It was funny because I thought to myself, "Doesn't God know me well enough to know that adventure is not my style? I like a plan and I like to stick to not deviate from the plan." But I guess if I had a plan and God just wound me up and sent me on the plan in a straight line then there would be no cause to trust Him or to draw near to Him because I'd just be following along with the plan. I was thinking today that I hope at some point in the near future that I can look back on the last several years and see exactly how all the zig zags and turns that have happened in my life have led me to something better. I believe that if DC was as good as it got in my mind and God removed me from that then there must be something better that He has planned in the future and all the things that have seemed so totally random and out of place in my life will have somehow been a part of God's plan all along to moving me from good to great. I just know that I want for the valley of humiliation and the desert of anonymity and obscurity to be temporary locations for me.

"We always have visions, before a thing is made real." - Oswald Chambers

"Instead of the vision becoming real, there has come the valley of humiliation." - Oswald Chambers

"God gives us the vision, then He takes us down to the valley to batter us into the shape of the vision, and it is in the valley that so many of us faint and give way. Every vision will be made real if we will have patience. Think of the enormous leisure of God! He is never in a hurry. We are always in such a frantic hurry. In the light of the glory of the vision we go forth to do things, but the vision is not real in us yet; and God has to take us into the valley, and put us through fires and floods to batter us into shape, until we get to the place where He can trust us with the veritable reality. Ever since we had the vision God has been at work, getting us into the shape of the ideal, and over and over again we escape from His hand and try to batter ourselves into our own shape." - Oswald Chambers

"With each season of obedience, different aspects of my unique life-print become more defined. I think this is one of the most exciting qualities of our individual call; it's an unfolding adventure. We have the awesome responsibility of recognizing and developing the gifts on our lives because they were given to us by God in order to impact the world around us." - Christine Caine

"Rather than appreciating every part of our life as a God-given season of preparation and molding, it can be so easy to grow impatient and dissatisfied, especially when that particular season feels mundane, difficult, frustrating, or everlasting." - Christine Caine

"We need to learn to love the season we're in while keeping a fresh and expectant attitude about all that lies ahead." - Christine Caine

"To fulfill our purpose, we must realize that it is often in the desert of anonymity and obscurity that God molds and shapes our characters, making us ready on the inside for all He has for us. Unfortunately it's also, during these times of waiting and preparation that we are most vulnerable to growing weary and giving up on having and doing God's 'all.' The enemy tries to convince us that our dreams for extraordinary living are not worth the wait, too difficult, or even impossible to achieve." - Christine Caine

"Don't allow yourself to get lost in the seasons of life, or to devalue today. God is using it to prepare you for your tomorrow!" - Christine Caine

Congratulations on Your Diamond Jubilee 1952-2012



via Mailonline.com

via Mailonline.com



New Chapter to My Hair Journey

Last June I was able to use the Miss Jessie's hair care line for the first time. I used the shampoo, conditioner, styler and moisturizer. I received great results and a lot of compliments as well. Compliments and "How did you get your hair like that," always let you know that you are doing something right. So I continued using these products until I would read about something better or have an experience that led me to wanting to try something else. Last summer I needed a lot of help for my hair. I was finally able to get the hair that I wanted with the help of Miss Jessie's Curly Pudding and a whole slew of other products. My style would only last about three to four days and then I would have to wash again. My life changed dramatically when last November Miss Jessie's had their BOGO and I was able to try the Curly Merigue without the threat of throwing $22 down the drain. Also at this time I first viewed a video about how to get a twist out from Natural Chica aka Mae on YouTube. Curly Meringue totally changed my styling process and the look and feel of my hair. And Mae gave me the steps I needed in order to get the perfect twist out which has now become my "look". I used Curly Meringue for about two months before I ran out and decided to go back to the Curly Pudding that I had left over. To my surprise I could not use Curly Pudding anymore. It dried my hair out and made it very unmanageable and stiff. I was not sure what I was going to do with it. So I just went back to Curly Meringue. I also introduced a clarifying shampoo that I now use everytime that I was in order to get my hair clean after a week's worth of dirt and product build up. So I started to get great results with that which lasted until the spring. Then it was on for a new moisturizer because Curly Buttercreme just wasn't cutting it and I also needed something all natural that wouldn't potentially clog my scalp. I tried Jane Carter Nourish and Shine and although it felt great it just didn't work for me. I also tried the Kera Care Natural Textures Hair Milk but it didn't seem to deliver what I was looking for either. So I decided to go to the Shea Moisture Curl and Style Hair Milk right as I was on the verge of going back to Curly Buttercreme for lack of anything else. Shea Moisture Hair Milk has been a welcomed and much needed addition to my regimen. I use it everyday to twist up my hair at night and to refresh my curls in the morning. It keeps my hair soft and manageable. I also added in the 100% jojoba and tea tree oils to my styling process and they have made a tremendous difference as well. Also I am now using the Shea Moisture Hold and Shine Moisture Mist instead of just water to wet my hair after applying my oils and leave in. I think it has helped with hold and lessening frizz as well. But most importantly I have finally achieved real natural hair. Although I have been natural, without a relaxer, for the last three years I never big chopped and got rid of my relaxed hair. So my hair has been growing out and shedding the relaxed hair for the last three years. But I believe that the changes I am seeing in the curliness and less need for product in my hair are a direct result of actually having my true natural hair on my head now instead of the vestiges of my old relaxed hair hanging on with the natural hair. My hair has never looked so good or felt so good. I am also helping it to grow and stay healthy with regular trims every 6-8 weeks. So its exciting to see how far it has come after three years of natural and only a year of a proper hair care regimen. I am really excited to see it a year from now and to see how far it can go in the next year of being fully natural. 

I Want to Live

Hello Blog! You have probably forgotten me or thought I had forgotten you but to tell the truth I have just been overwhelmed and busy. The last month has gone by incredibly fast. The hours, days and weeks have just been flying by. But I have had a really good month. I can't really remember my last post (will have to check on that) but I think I was liking what I was doing but still not completely satisfied. Well the last month found me finding a new niche in substitute teaching. I previously had worked with K through 5 and preferred K through 2 if possible because I was experiencing a lot of difficulty with the older kids and trying to manage their behaviour. But then I was assigned to work with Preschool. I was a little apprehensive about it at first but then grew to love working with 4 year olds. 4 year olds are awesome! Even though I come home exhausted it is much less taxing than dealing with the older grades and it is so rewarding working with them because they are so ready and wanting to learn. I have just really enjoyed being with them over the last month. It even has me thinking about whether or not I would like to be a PreK assistant teacher for next year. I have been having difficulty finding a full time job and I have not been able to find any museum jobs either so it might be good to take something that I know I could do. I don't think I would want to do it for the rest of my life but I can say that I don't dislike it. However, the pay is next to nothing and there is a two and half month gap in employment because of being out in the summer. It's not exactly what I have been holding out for the last 4 years but I was thinking that it might help me to get into a better place financially to get to where I want to be. I need to pay off some debts and I need to get a car (actually a used Jeep Cherokee) and also build up a savings. Also I would have benefits too which would be really nice since I have not had those since 2009. So there are perks to it that I don't have now as a sub that would be really great to have. But just this afternoon I was thinking about how in a way I feel guilty for being like, "Being a PreK assistant is not enough and I should just be thankful if I get the job." And on the other hand I feel like, "Being a PreK assistant is not what I want to do and it doesn't help me to have enough money to do anything that I really need or want to do." It's perplexing! I wouldn't mind being a PreK assistant and I love the school where I could potentially work but I do long for something more. I really want to live on my own and have my own life. I don't know that I could do that on an assistant's salary. I would definitely have to have another job. If I decided at some point to be a teacher I would have to go back to school which would probably be stressful but I suppose that I could do it. And then there's the question of whether I should give up my museum job dream. It's what I have wanted to do for so long and I don't know that if I gave up on it now if it might have been fulfilled right around the corner or if I need to go ahead and give it up and just move forward to something else. I feel conflicted about doing either.

But the good thing is that summer is coming. There are less than 10 days of the school year left and I will once again have the time to explore my options. I know that if a full time position does not come through for me over the summer that I can always go back to being a sub. Also I will have time to look for and apply for full time jobs once school is over. And if necessary I hopefully can find a good part time job that can supplement my substitute job once school is back in session. It sounds completely doable and logical, doesn't it? But I can't help but feel like I want more than this. It sounds good and respectable and like I am "doing something" about all this mess that I have found myself in but the truth is that I want so much more. I want to live in an exciting place, I want community and friendship, and I want to feel connected. I love the school that I work at and I love the people there because they are the reason that the school is such a great place to be but I still feel like an outsider there. I also am still not thrilled with Charlotte. Even though I am from here I just don't feel connected or comfortable being here. I think a lot of that does have to do with the fact that I don't have my own car and I don't have a lot of friends here. If I could get out more often and do things more independently I might feel different and if I could do that I might make some good friends and that would make it feel different too. But Charlotte is really not the kind of place that I have imagined myself being in. I like taking the metro/subway, I like walking where I need to go, and I like diversity. Charlotte is doing better on diversity but it doesn't compare in any of these areas to a DC or NYC. You have to drive everywhere to do things, then there isn't really a whole lot to do unless you have the money to participate in going to the opera or traveling companies of broadway shows. And Charlotte, to me, does not have a lot of mid-range activities. It's kind of like family oriented, cost effective fun on one end and then high brow, expensive activities on the other. I guess that there are subsets of Charlotte that I might find enjoyable but I don't know where those are. I guess you can create your own fun wherever you are. There's a neighborhood I have loved here for a longtime called Dilworth and if I ended up staying in Charlotte long term that is where I would like to live. It has great WW II era bungalow houses, sidewalk dining, and it's tree-lined and clean. I really like that neighborhood alot. It's hard to imagine being able to live there on an assistant's salary or even a teacher's salary. And of course I don't want to be living with my mother for the rest of my life. I just wish I could see where I will be down the road. What twists and turns in life will lead me to where I want and need to be? I really want stability. I want to know where I belong. I want to know what my purpose for being in this world is. I want to begin to fulfill that purpose. I want independence. I want a life and I want to live.

April's Over

Well the end of the fourth month of the year is on Monday. It seems like April just started and it's now almost over. The first week of April I was at home and also out looking for jobs. I heard back from two of the jobs I applied for and I am about to second interview for one of them. So I am really glad that I will have a summer job that will hopefully extend long term and I will hopefully be able to pair it with something else or either go back to subbing in the fall. I had another first in April as well. I subbed a whole week with one class. They were really cute Kindergartners. I really grew to like them a lot and over the course of the week I think they liked me as well. It was really nice having a regular routine and seeing the same faces everyday. I hope I get to sub for them again before the end of the school year. This past week I had another first as well. I worked with Pre-K students, 4 year olds. I had only been with one Pre-K class prior to the three that I was with this week but I really like Pre-K. They are so cute and so little still. I had a special affection for a little boy who became my friend this week. I think he barely reaches my knees when it comes to his height but his personality is much bigger than he is. He was sitting on my lap this week and he put his finger on one of my curls. He then told me that I needed to comb my hair when I got home. He is so sweet and so funny and has the cutest face. So it was a really long, tiring week but a good one still.

This week I had a chance to read my bible a little bit before school and I was reminded of some verses that God had given me last year. They were 1 Peter 5:7, Psalm 121, and Psalm 55:22. I was feeling anxious that day and also burdened because my mother is getting ready to move offices to another side of town which means that I will not be able to work at my preferred school anymore. That was troubling for me because I really like the place and the people. It's more than a school, it feels like a family. When I first started subbing I was going to different places all the time and then one day one of the secretaries asked for my number and said she would keep my on the sub list. I really didn't think much of it but she kept her word and it is the school that I have subbed at the most. It makes such a big difference when you know the school, its schedule and the staff. I love it there and the thought of not being able to sub there and my days of being able to sub there being numbered makes me really sad and also angry. It seems like whenever I get settled somewhere I am always having to move. I was really starting to like New Jersey so much when I had to leave there. I was really liking tutoring so much when I had to leave there. And now the school that I really like will be too far out of the way for me to get there starting in the middle of May. I feel picked on. So I drew encouragement from those scriptures this week but I am still dealing with the fact that I don't like having to change from the school that I really like to ones that I don't know. And I have subbed in enough other schools to know that not all schools have the same kind of staff that the school I like has. Some of the people are just rude and don't really care that you're there because you are the sub whereas my favorite school treats there subs really nicely and makes them feel welcome even if they are only there for a day. So I have some mixed feelings about all this going on.

And in the midst of all that going on I am still having a hard time with the fact that the jobs I have been applying for that have been full time with benefits jobs, I have not been able to get. It's really aggravating still having to live with a parent and not being able to secure a full time job so I can pay my bills save up to move and get out of here. I really desire and crave my own life and I feel so stuck right now that the hope of that seems to be fading. I have been subbing for the majority of the days that I can work with the exception of days that there are not jobs available or like this past Monday when I had to go register to vote so I could participate in the North Carolina primary. Other than that I have been subbing as much as I can and I don't make enough money to do anything really other than buy the things that I need and have a few meals out. It feels like a never-ending cylcle. I get up tired and I go to bed tired and at the end of a pay cycle I have very little to show for it. But I guess a lot of people feel that way these days. But I am still baffled by why I can't get a full time job and the only jobs that will accept me pay a piddly amount by the hour. I would think that a bachelor or Master's degree would at least be enough to help me get a customer service job or a secretarial position but everyone keeps responding that I don't have enough experience. It's so frustrating.

What I desire more than anything is to have my own life. I want to have my own home, pay off all my bills, get a dog, have a job that I really like and be able to go and do things that I really want to do and not do things I'm made to do or have to live my life around someonelse's life or schedule. I don't understand why it has been so hard for me to get out of this and I don't understand why things have not changed more quickly. I won't say I have done all I can because that would probably not be true but I know that there are people who do a lot less than all they can and still come out on top, it isn't fair. I think I am also disappointed because I was hoping that this year would be different, big different. Different in very noticeable and enjoyable ways. It has been different but with more of the same than anything exciting or new. I was really hoping that 2012 would be the year that everything changed for me but it is already four months in and not very much has changed. The good thing is that at least I'm working but it's not a job that I really enjoy or want to do, it's just what I could find. I want to be able to do something that I want to do and enjoy my life. I am not enjoying my life right now. I am lonely and friendless and I don't have any fun. Most nights I get picked up from school, drop my mom back off at work, race home to cook dinner, race back to pick up my mom and then drive home again to eat and watch a few minutes of TV before the exhaustion catches up with me and I go to sleep. Not very momentous or exciting. Oswald Chambers calls it the valley or the grey of daily life or drudgery. It is very hard to stay positive in the drudgery because we want to live on the mountaintop. The mountaintop are those seasons, days, or times in our lives where things are exceptionally good and everything goes exceptionally well and boosts us up to where we want to be. That is what I want. I want a mountaintop experience because I have been in the valley for 4 years. I'm tired of being rejected, losing everything, and being looked down on by my friends and family because I don't have anything. I feel like a loser. I don't want to be a loser anymore. I want to win at something, anything, but mainly at having a job and a life. It seems like the least anyone expects you to be able to accomplish in life are those two things and I would like to at least have that.

I really hope May is better and I really hope that the rest of the year holds more to be desired than these first few have.

Just Sayin' Hi

This week has been no joke! It has been long, difficult and hard. I had a week off with spring break which was actually not a break for me because I was running around looking for any credible business that would hire me. But then after all that I had to get up at 6 am again to be with the kiddies all day. The first three days I think I was completely asleep all day. But by the end of the week I was getting back into the groove. The kiddies were also adjusting to being back and that brought trials of its own but at least we all made it through alive. I fortunately/unfortunately was not able to find a job for this past Thursday so I had a little one day break which was desperately needed because I was so exhausted. However there were positives to this week. I had one job offer and another job interview. Both the jobs are part time but at least I can know when school ends that I will have something else to go to. Also I am really excited about the interview that I had with the last job, and I am hoping that it is the place that I end up getting to work for. This past week I also had to rely on Quick Curls from Miss Jessie's because I did not have time to do the 24 hr wait with Curly Meringue. And I am pleased to say that Quick Curls came through again. This time I was not able to let my hair dry before doing the twists. I did the twists on freshly washed hair. When I got up in the morning it was still wet but I just unraveled the twists gently and did not manipulate them too much. My hair dried gradually through the day and once I was able to get some Shea Moisture Hair Milk on it, it was fine. So I had a very good hair week. Other than those little tidbits nothing is very new. I had a rough day on Thursday because I let my emotions get the best of me. I was really sad and threw a pity party because I was unhappy with the way things look right now. I'm still dealing with the fact that this is not where I want to be in my life right now. There so much that I want and the main priority is a full time job which could lead to debt freedom, a house, and so much more. Two weeks ago I got an email from a museum that I had applied for a job at that I had not been chosen. I think I had some pent up anger and frustration about that because it seems like I keep getting rejected from all the good stuff that I want and I keep getting accepted by the stuff I don't want. That's really difficult. So I have been dealing with issues of rejection, disappointment, and weariness. I am feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. I had a reminder of Isaiah 40:29 today. That God gives strength to the weary, and that those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength. It's comforting but it's really not what I want right now. I want a timeline of how much longer all this stuff is going to go on. In my Oswald Chambers "My Utmost for His Highest" today he said that too often we complain when God burdens us in an effort to move us closer to Him. We whine instead of becoming the wine that He is pressing us into. I am definitely there. I want to be a regular person. I want to be normal. I want to have a same as everybody else life and I don't and I don't think that I ever will. And I have to accept that and believe that it really is for my good that God is doing all of this. Sometimes I feel overlooked and left out like God is picking a kickball team and I am the last one standing on the line waiting to be picked. I feel like that most of the time. I feel like everybody else is on the team and I am begging to get picked too but for some reason it is taking a long time for Him to decide if He wants me or not. I know in my head better than that but my feelings do get hurt when I feel like God is rewarding people who seemingly do not have to struggle for anything. They make their mind up to do something and it gets done. All the doors open and all the circumstances go their way. All I want is a job with some benefits so I can get some contacts and get my teeth cleaned and that feels like I'm asking too much. Life is definitely not fair. But I have to believe that on the other side of the hurt and the pain is something that is good and that it is from God. He may have me in a holding pattern but I have to believe that it will get better. If I didn't believe that I would give up right now and quit. So I have just resolved to do whatever I have to do and to walk through whatever door opens until I know exactly what all of this is for. And that is hard because we often think that we have it planned so perfectly and that if God would do it our way it would just be great. But I think because we do that He uses the things we least expect or like the least to get us to where we want to be the most. So until I get to where I want to be I'm surviving where I am. It's hard, it's tough, and it is daunting but I'm still alive.

Trayvon Martin, Piers Morgan,Toure and Race in America

I don't have cable so I couldn't see the virtual sparring that went on between Piers Morgan and Toure on Friday night. But I have been watching the video and have read an article about it from someone who watched it for themself. After having viewed and read about this article I have to say that I am on #TeamToure. If you are not familiar with Toure, he is a music and pop culture journalist who works for NBC as well as Fuse. Toure took Piers Morgan to task on Friday for not asking pressing enough questions of George Zimmerman's brother, Robert, in an interview on his show. Toure felt that the questions given to the brother were not in depth enough to shed any new light to the situation but only to try to give Zimmerman's family a leg up in media coverage due to the outpouring of support in the court of public opinion for the Martin family.

One point stuck out more than any other and that's what I was most intrigued by. Toure pointed out that Piers is too fresh to the United States to fully and properly understand the racial divide that still exists here today. Piers argued that being from Britain and only having been in the country for 6 or 7 years was not a deterrent to understanding why the Trayvon Martin case is important to America. On the other hand Toure said that Piers was not acquainted with all the implications that are involved in this case and that he is an outsider to the issue of race in America. From there the argument got heated and Piers resorted to sophomoric tactics of questioning Toure's journalistic integrity when in actuality he was smarting from the fact that he had been exposed for not being familiar enough on the topic of race to actually be a trusted voice in the analyzing of this particular event. To me this does not mean that Piers' opinion about the matter doesn't mean anything but that he may not fully understand why people, specifically black people, are so upset about this case. Before the Trayvon Martin killing there were many events that happened that got black people brewing with unrest and anger. There have been cases where black men have been beaten, tortured, shot, and wrongly convicted on little or no evidence that they were a threat over the course of the last decade and even before. The outpouring of support generally did not reach this level and even if people were outraged and ready for political action the interest waned and there was little if any resolution. But I think what's different about Trayvon Martin is that he was a teenager, unarmed, and did not provoke, as far as we know, any of the events that led to his tragic shooting. Also we have a small window into the events of that night through 911 tapes and video footage of George Zimmerman after the shooting. In the 911 tapes there is a racial slur used on the phone, the 911 operator tells Mr. Zimmerman not to follow Trayvon and then there are yells for help which have been attributed to Trayvon before the audible gun shot that took his life. The fact that the event happened over a month ago and George Zimmerman is still out of prison is an outrage. Also the Stand Your Ground Law which Zimmerman's defense is trying to use in order to say that he was acting in self defense has made people even more upset because there is little to no evidence that Zimmerman was attacked by Trayvon and by his own admission he followed Trayvon because he thought he was up to no good and didn't want him to get away.

The situation is a nightmare for the families involved and for our nation as a whole. The fact that a young teenage, black male was gunned down for nothing other than trying to find out who was following him is an eye opening reminder that America has not healed its racial wounds. Many people began saying after President Obama won the election in 2008 that issues of race were over because a black man held the highest office in the land. However, that is not true. If anything the election of Obama and this recent death of Trayvon have proved that Americans are still very racially divided. Many people questioned Obama's birth in the United States because of his name and you might wonder if it also had to do with his skin color. There was the issue with Obama's former pastor who had said some things that were racist against white people and had to be addressed by Senator Obama at the time. Right after President Obama took office there was a cartoon that seemingly depicted him as a monkey in addition to he and his wife being portrayed as terrorists on the cover of The New Yorker. Fast forward 3 odd years later and Trayvon has once again opened up the dialogue for talks about whether race is still relevant in our society. And one of the most circulated critiques came from Geraldo Rivera who said on national television that black and Latino youths who wear hoodies are asking to get shot because they are associating themselves with gangs and criminals. So if there were any doubt in any one's mind about whether or not race is still a prevalent issue today that question should have been answered in the last month.

So back to Toure and Piers. I totally agree with Toure that Piers is too new to the nation to understand what all is going on here with the protesting of Trayvon's death and Zimmerman's freedom. Piers does not share a common heritage with us in the sense that many Americans have parents or grandparents who lived through segregation, were involved in the Civil Rights Movement and have benefited from gains made in the Civil Rights Movement only to see that the victory is slowly slipping away. I think that many people feel like Trayvon's death is a modern version of a lynching. Toure equated the feelings he felt about the Trayvon case to the photo of Emmett Till's disfigured body in his casket. And the difference is that during the murder of Emmett Till the black community was just waking up to the realization of the power of its unified voice, now the black community is repossessing that voice by keeping an unrelenting vigil for Trayvon. Piers cannot understand that because he has not lived it. And I challenge Toure to ask Piers if he would even know about the struggles that are being faced by minorities in his own country let alone ours. Piers became overly defensive at Toure's accusation that he simply did not get it when it comes to the sensitivity of race in this country but I think his defensiveness came because he knew deep down that Toure was right.

I really and truly hope that people monitoring the Trayvon case, watching CNN, and voicing their own opinions by wearing hoodies or signing the petition for Trayvon will really examine themselves to determine how they can be a catalyst for social change. We have been in the struggle for a long time and it is nowhere near over but it can get better than where are right now.


Piers Morgan
Toure
Toure Apology
Piers Morgan Tonight
The Daily Beast Article
Huffington Post Article
Petition for the Prosecution of George Zimmerman

Hair Update

Today I tried Miss Jessie's Quick Curls. It's a light weight, quick drying cream to create curls that don't take all day to dry. I tried it mainly because I wanted something that I could use when I don't have the time to dry my twist outs for a day and a half with Miss Jessie's Curly Meringue.

First of all I love the scent of Quick Curls it smells like lemongrass and citrus. I wanted an orange the whole time I was doing my hair. The formula is extremely light. I went a little heavy with the application because I wanted to be sure and get every part of my hair saturated. I shingled my hair as well working from the bottom to the top in small sections raking the product through my curls. I have to say that it keeps its promise as a light weight formula and also for its quick drying properties as well. At first when my hair was still drying I was concerned that I was not going to have successful results. My curls were very loose and looked as if they might start to frizz. But an hour to two hours after applying the product I had defined spirals and minimal shrinkage. My hair is still drying at this point about 4.5 hours later but is more than 80% dry. The true test of whether or not Quick Curls works for me will be when I twist my hair later tonight and then take it down tomorrow. Hopefully the curls will spring right back and I will have found my perfect go to wash-n-go styling product!

One Year Later

This Thursday marks a year since I have been in North Carolina. At the time that I came I really didn't want to come at all. I expected that I would only have to be hear maybe a month if not a little more than that. Over time I was able to see that I wanted to be here a little longer because there were things that I wanted to do here at the time. I wanted to go to my cousin's college graduation, my other cousin's baby shower and then visit her after the baby was born and I wanted to go to my aunt's 50th birthday party. All of that was happening over the summer months. So I thought that I would at least want to stay over the summer. I was fortunately able to stay over the summer and attend all of those events including a family reunion that I had not had the chance to attend in several years. It was a really good time because I had not seen a lot of my family in 5 years or more. But then at the end of the summer I had to make a decision about whether I was going to go back to New Jersey or stay in North Carolina. I honestly didn't want to do either. I wanted to move to New York. I applied for a great job in New York in August. I was really hoping that I would get it. After two weeks I sent a follow up email. But I never heard anything back from them. I was really stressed out about the decision because either place meant having to live with a parent and being completely dependent. Around that time I got a job announcement for a tutoring company that was hiring tutors for the upcoming school year. I decided to go ahead and apply thinking that I wouldn't get the position anyway. To my surprise I did get the job and I decided that since I had not been able to get the NYC job that maybe the Lord had made the decision for me. So I decided that I would stay. I continued to apply for jobs in NYC and also in DC on a whim. But I would not hear anything back from them. The job with the tutoring company started in November. It was difficult at first learning to work with young children but over time I came to enjoy it and the kids were so great. But the job was only until March, or so I thought. In late January I received a notice that our school's tutoring would come to an end in February. So I was left with another moment of decision to figure out what I would do next. I had been accepted as a substitute teacher in our school system in December but had yet to take any sub jobs because I was really intimidated by having to be in control of a classroom of students for a whole day. But as the end came nearer and nearer for the tutoring job I only had subbing as an option. I had applied for another NYC job and there had still not been an answer on that either. So I had to sign up and hope for the best. My first few times subbing were not too difficult. The kids were hard to contain but we made it through each day. Then I had some classes that made me seriously question whether or not I had made the right choice. However, I had to remind myself that I am not a teacher. When I walk into the classroom I am just a proxy for the teacher. My job essentially is just to convey to the students what the teacher has already planned for them to do and to make sure that they don't kill each other in the course of the day. So I have been subbing regularly for about a month. It's had it's ups and downs but there have been rewarding moment along the way. But now I am faced with another moment of decision. The end of the school year is coming and I have to find something else to do. I have a good two months before even the sub jobs will not be available. So I am left once again wondering what the next step is. It's really got me in a funk. The thing I desire most in the world is stability. I want to know that there is a place that I belong. I want to know that there is a job for me to do. I want to have my own home. I want to be more than the background of someone else's life. Lately I have been feeling like I am just an extra in life. Like a leftover part when you take something apart. It feels as if there is nothing important or substantial for me to do except to help other people accomplish what they need to do. It also doesn't help that I have been battling extreme loneliness for the last several months. I have felt that whenever I have tried to share my feelings about all these things that I am facing and going through in my life that the people I am entrusting these feelings to have dismissed, trivialized and ignored my revelations. So loneliness compounded with confusion and anxiety about what will happen next have left me feeling like I am on the edge. Last night I went to bed thinking, "I wish I could just disappear." I honestly wish it was possible. But I know that it is not. I just have to keep going believing that at some point it will get better. At some point there will be a yes instead of a no and that things will shift and change. I'll get my own life back and I won't have to continue on feeling like a robot. Sometimes I feel like my life is just a show or going through the motions. I put on a happy face and a smile and do what I am told or asked. I listen when other people have problems. I pretend that it doesn't hurt my feelings when someone hurts me or forgets me or brushes me aside. But you can only repress emotions for so long. I have been on an emotional roller coaster for several months and I am finally dizzy from it. My mother left on a trip for work this morning but the last 12 hours with her were nothing but orders of what to do while she was gone. It was not only what to do but how to do it. Things that I have done hundreds of times I was told how to do as if I was in elementary school. I feel like sometimes I am treated differently because I don't have a job. I feel like sometimes people talk around me or over my head or talk about me like I am not even a part of the conversation. A friend of mine was talking at the table a few weeks ago to another friend asking about what was going on with that person. They wanted to know how their job was going and what their successes and accomplishments had been. They were really excited for that person. That friend never asked me what I was doing. They never even posed the question. I mentioned that I had been substitute teaching and I received a blank stare before they went on to the next topic of conversation. That same person had done the same thing to me just two months earlier. Joyce Meyer was the first person I ever heard say that, "You who is not your do." I wish more people in my life knew this or at least acted like they did if they already know because they continually place emphasis on what they do and by doing so just magnify the fact that I don't have a do right now. I remember my mother telling me several years ago that who I am was not my resume. I had been rejected from more jobs than I can remember at this point in time and I was down about it. She was saying that just because my resume was being rejected that it didn't have anything to do with me personally but I begged to differ. It was very personal to me each time my resume was rejected and even now when its rejected it is tough to shake off. I feel like my resume is me on paper. And if they don't like me on paper they must not like me as a person. It is a very disheartening thing to continually be rejected. I have been applying for full time jobs for 4 years now and I have not gotten past a first round interview. It's so frustrating because I felt like I did everything right and worked had to get the right credentials to get in only to be stopped at the threshold of making it over into the workforce. I think at this point in this entry it goes without saying that it has been a very difficult year. I can't even believe that it has only been a year because it feels like much longer. But it will have been only a year this Thursday. I always am fascinated to look back one year ago and think about what I was doing. Generally when I am looking back at the previous year it is from a perspective and place, emotionally or physically, that I would not or could not have imagined during that previous year. The same holds true for this year. Looking back a year ago I was getting off a plane from EWR in Charlotte expecting the trip to only last a month or a month and a half at best before getting to go back to New Jersey which was at that point starting to feel like home to me. I cannot say the same for Charlotte. Although I grew up here I feel like a stranger. It has changed so much in the last ten to fifteen years that it really does not resemble the Charlotte I grew up in. Also because of my lack of independence and transportation I have not made any friends here and if I had there would be no way for me to see them on a regular basis. I feel extremely alienated here. I really have no desire to stay here unless God should instruct me or put it on my heart to do so and even then it would probably resemble Jonah being instructed to go to Nineveh, ("Aww, man do I really have to God?"). I really hope that on March 27, 2013 when I am looking back on March 27, 2012 that it is from a different place, physically and emotionally. I hope that by that time I have found my home city, a home of my own, a full time job, and a community. I really hope that this next year is a year of changes for the better. I want to win. I want to experience good things. I want to be happy. I feel emotionally and physically exhausted. I am frustrated and aggravated constantly and I realize that much of that may be the enemy trying to derail me from thinking that God has anything good for me or that He still remembers me hanging on the end of the branch scared to death I am getting ready to fall. But a lot of it is me. I easily get worked up and can think myself into a bad mood in just a few minutes. It's hard to ignore the bad things, think on the good things, and see good things coming in the future as well. It's hard to do but I know that that is the only way I will get out of this mess I am. And I have relinquished the situation to God because I am at the end of myself. I know that it will not change in and of my own strength. It's a job for Jesus. T.D. Jakes reminded the crowd at Code Orange Revival to know that when you are at rock bottom that you are just right for Jesus. So I know that I am just right for Jesus because I am at rock bottom. Yesterday I was waiting for a job to start at a school but I had to be dropped off early because my mom had meetings to go to and didn't have the time to take me at the time that I was supposed to be there. I had to stand at a shopping center until it was time to go to the job. I started getting misty eyed as I was standing there because 5 years ago I never would have imagined myself without a place to go in the morning or a job to do. I never would have imagined that I would be standing around at a shopping center at 8:30 am without a place to go. But I was encouraged by more words from T.D. Jakes. God is in the business of increasing you, not diminishing you. He wants to add to you, not take away from you. You have to believe and know that is is getting better because the enemy wants you to think that God has forgotten you and that you don't have anything to live for but you can't serve God and be on a decline. It's getting better. One of my favorite songs on the radio right now is "My Testimony" by Marvin Sapp. Last year his wife went to be with the Lord after a battle with cancer. He could have given up on God when his wife died but he chooses to see the good. The last line of the song says, "In spite of calamity, He still has a plan for me, it's working for my good." My life in the last few years has been one calamity after another but I believe just like Marvin sings that God has a plan for me and it's going to work out for my good. I am believing for a mountain top experience because I have been in this valley long enough.

Hair Update: Shea Moisture to the Rescue...AGAIN

I blogged not too long ago about how my hair had become so dry and I was having a hard time pinpointing a product that was natural but would also help preserve my twist outs, especially with the heat and humidity of summer coming. Well I looked online and thought there were some things that might be able to help me. One of the things that I wanted to try was Oyin Handmade Whipped Pudding. I liked that is was affordable ($11) and was described as being moisturizing but light. I went to Target first to see what I could find. There was Curly Buttercreme, of course, but I didn't want to have to shell out $32 and also have the petroleum, glycerin, mineral oil, lanolin, and other synthetic ingredients in my hair especially since they could clog my pores as it gets hotter and I perspire. So I looked at what they had at Target and to my surprise they had Hair Rules products from the Hair Rules Salon in NYC created by Anthony Dickey. I seriously thought about trying his moisture product but upon further examination of the ingredients they were the same as Curly Buttercreme but with a lighter smell than the buttercreme. I thought about the Kera Care Natural Textures Hair Milk but I felt like it was a little too thick for me and I wasn't wild about the smell. So I left that Target without any product for moisturizing. Later I went to another Target because I was at the point where I was going to get some Curly Buttercreme or order something off the Internet. I was walking through the hair product isle for multicultural girls and I noticed the Shea Moisture Products. I have almost the whole line for the Coconut Hibiscus products but I noticed the Curl and Style Milk. I had watched several reviews of this product and I had also read on blog sites that it was a go to moisturizer or leave in that a lot of curlies like. So I decided that for $10 I could afford to give it a try and if it didn't work I would go back to Curly Buttercreme for good. So that night I used the Curl and Style Milk to twist up my hair. I used about a quarter size amount on each twist, not too much. The next morning I untwisted my hair to find that on my week old frizzy twist out there was definition, shine, and softness. I used it the night after as well and I got the same results the next day. I only used it two days but I LOVE this product. I love the scent, which smells just like the Curl Enhancing Smoothie. I also love how light it is and that it provides hold and definition. Also the product is organic and natural which means when it is hot this summer I won't have to be worried about my scalp getting clogged with all the stuff in other not natural products. So I am really thrilled with the product. I also picked up some Miss Jessie's Quick Curls which I plan to try to see if it can be a wash and go styler for me on those weeks when I don't have two days for my hair to dry. I will definitely do a product review of it as well.

You Know School of Rock? It's Not Like That

This past week was my first full week of substitute teaching. Why they don't offer a Nobel Prize for Teaching, I will never know. But up until last Monday I had only been a sub three times, one time didn't really count because I watched a class and another teacher did all the work. So on Thursday of the previous week I was only subbing for my third time. A little girl coughed on me ironically as I was giving her hand sanitizer and by Saturday I was fully congested and had a soar throat. Sunday I added a cough to the list and that was how I started Monday. I didn't know if I could make it on Monday but I was motivated by the need for cash and the fact that it is a pretty steady way of keeping a job that has great hours and other rewards as well. I had previously been with second grade and Kindergarten which were a handful, I hoped that third grade would be a little better. I was wrong. I had third grade three days this week and my only comment on the experience is that I am glad we are all alive, me and the children. The last two days of the week I thought that I would find solace in fifth grade only to learn that it comes with its own issues as well. The thing I had to keep learning and telling myself was that I just had to go with the flow. The flow was a rushing, whitewater river not a delicate stream. But I blessed to have some teachers and support staff who came to my aid just when I thought I would be swallowed up whole by the difficulties of each day. Everyone should hug a teacher. They really are on the same level of public service with police and the fire department, we just don't know how much so. I also had the blessing of being at one school the whole week which makes and incredible difference because you become comfortable in the environment and you get to know the people and they get to know you and that can be a great help when you are in trouble or in need.

I also learned some things about myself as well. Although I am not a self-professed "kid person", I really like children and I enjoy being with them. Another thing I learned which was not a surprise to me was that I am not tough in the sense that I am not intimidating. I would yell to get these children to try and do what I wanted them to do but they looked me dead in my face and turned right back around and kept doing what they were doing. I have not developed the ability to scare a child which I kind of like about myself. I hope that I don't have to substitute teach long enough to develop that because it just makes for a hard day for everyone. Instead my go to plan is just getting rid of behaviour problem children and hoping that the rest will do what they need to do. It's a learning process and I just starting out so I have to keep reminding myself that this is not my forte. I am learning and I just hope to get better as each new job comes.

Why the Drama?

Today I got an update from YouTube that there was a new video post by Taren916. If you aren't familiar with Taren Guy, she is a vlogger on natural hair and hair care products. She has had a YouTube channel for about 3 years maybe more. I learned so much about taking care of my hair and what products to use from watching Taren's videos. It really was like having a teacher for how to do my own natural hair. Well anyway Taren has come up in the world since her humble beginnings of bringing us reviews of products and hair care techniques from her bedroom. She still does the reviews but the products are a little bit higher level and her reach and access have far exceeded her local Ricky's hair care store and neighborhood salons. She has been to NYC Fashion Week, touted among the most well known of natural hair bloggers/vloggers, and has even participated in private events for companies such as Carol's Daughter. So in the past year or so Taren has really taken her notability and used it to brand herself and become a figure in the natural hair care world in her own right. So happy for her that she is being recognized for her inner and outer beauty and knowledge of natural hair care.

Well today's video featured Taren receiving a custom made wig from the Hair Rules Salon in NYC owned by Anthony Dickey, a hair care expert, author, and creator of his own product line by the same name. Taren had posted a video a few weeks ago where she met with one of the Hair Rules stylists to talk about getting a custom made wig in order to protect her hair while it is growing out from a big chop last year. I watched the video and liked it. As usual I just scrolled down the list of comments to see what people were saying about the video. It seemed like most people enjoyed the video and enjoyed seeing Taren receive the new custom hair piece. Other people were in shock over the price and still others were just hating on Taren because they felt that she was not so much vlogging about hair care and products as she was "selling" or freely advertising for Hair Rules. It was an interesting conversation and an interesting look into what happens when someone receives some advancement or popularity that allows them to do what others cannot do.

First there was the price of the wig. Dailey, Taren's stylist for the previous video and the one showing her receiving the wig noted that the price for this product starts at $850.00. Okay, granted most people are not going to be able to buy a wig that even costs half of that amount, but this wig was apparently a gift to Taren from Anthony Dickey and Hair Rules. There is nothing wrong with that at all. But what I think some of the people who commented on this were upset about was that Taren was doing this review for the product and they may have felt that she was overlooking the fact that most of her subscribers are regular people who cannot afford to partake of this service from this salon. Most of them may not even be able to walk into Hair Rules and get anything done to their hair because the prices start in the $100s for their services. I think some people may be mad at the fact that her bringing them this information is not relatable to their world. It's kind of how when someone might start out singing at the club down the street and you can hear them for free on an open mic night and then they might become more famous and you have to pay to see them. Then they might sign a record deal and then you have to pay a lot of money to see them from the nose bleed seats. I think some people might be upset at the fact that they feel like when Taren started out they could relate to her because she used the same store brand products (Honda Civic products) but now she can afford or is even gifted with high end products (Mercedes-Benz products). I think people feel like Taren has moved up in the world and they have not and so they cannot relate to these experiences that she is having and it also may lead to some jealousy or envy or self-pity. With all the YouTube channels that there are how can we know what makes some popular and some not. Taren has over 70,000 followers on her channel and so she has been able to turn what used to be product reviews and tutorials into a business. There may be some people who are leaving all the negative comments on her channel who have tried to create what Taren has and have not succeeded because they lack the growing viewers and the interest. If it doesn't work out for you then you have to decide whether you will keep trying to do it for yourself or if you will quit and try something else. For Taren it has worked out.

I feel like people are being unfair to Taren because it is her channel ultimately and she can put on it what she wants to. Also in the beginning her channel was all product reviews and hair care tutorials. As with anything over time it is going to grow and change. Taren's channel has grown and changed as her interests and experiences have grown and changed. And she has been fortunate enough to be able to have some experiences that none of us would ever have in life and she has shared them on her channel. So I think it is actually a really cool thing that she has shared these behind the scenes moments with hairstylists, product developers, and other naturalistas because through it we all can learn and grow from the advice and information that Taren has shared.

I just felt the need to comment on the situation because I felt like people were being really petty about the whole thing. I really hope that people will stop the negative comments and be supportive of people who are doing the things that they wish that they could do or who are achieving their own goals.

Here is the video:

Hair Update

The last few weeks have been difficult, hair-wise, due to the changes in the weather and the change in my products. With the weather change I was not able to keep up the amazing twist-outs that I had in November, December and January. My hair has become much drier and also I ran out of the Miss Jessie's Curly Meringue that I had been using during the previous months. I had to use the Curly Pudding that I had bought as a part of the BOGO sale of Miss Jessie's. I wish I had gotten two of the Meringue instead because I think it is my go to styling product. It just does so well in my hair and makes it look great! So after the problems that I was having with my twist-outs and dry hair I turned to the natural hair YouTube community to seek advice. What I noticed was that I may have to change up one of my staple products. I have been using Shea Moisture Curl Enhancing Smoothie for almost a year, the same jar mind you (it's so worth the $10), and have been getting great results with it. But I think that it is too heavy for my hair and what I am in need of now is a light weight leave-in conditioner that can give added moisture to my delicate curls. I like so many other curlies was under the impression that my hair was coarse and thick but in the time that I have been natural have discovered that my hair strands are actually quite thin and my hair's thickness is medium. I think I believed that I had thick, coarse hair because when it was being relaxed it felt like that was the texture of my hair. However, in recent months I have noticed that I have definite curls in my hair. I have been fully natural going on 3 years this May. So my actual hair texture is coming through and it has changed the way that I view and treat my hair. I watched some reviews on leave-ins that I would like to try in the future such as Hair Rules Nourishment Leave-In Conditioner and Karen's Body Beautiful Sweet Ambrosia or Hair Nectar Leave-Ins. But since I did not have access to those today I used Kera Care Natural Textures Leave In Conditioner. I had received a sample pack at Christmas and didn't think that I would have occasion to use it since I was satisfied with the Shea Moisture.

So after washing, conditioning and deep conditioning, for which all those products have remained the same, I applied a mix of jojoba and tea tree oil and a dime size of Carol's Daughter Hair Milk Lite. After those I used the Kera Care Natural Textures Leave In Conditioner. The product is more like a gel than a cream and it is opaque in color. It is made with Amla, Shikakai, Argan Oil, Abyssinian Oil, and Fruit Extracts. It has a nice smell and I applied it to one of four sections of my hair at one time to make sure there was even distribution. It was very lite and even though I took the directions' advice to apply generously I did not feel like it weighed my hair down or made it sticky or clumpy. I had used a leave-in from Kera Care a while ago when I was straightening my hair with a blow dryer to press it and also when I first went natural. That leave-in was more of a cream but worked very well and I would say that this leave-in I like even better than the one that I used before.

Next week I am planning on getting some new products to use on my hair. I have wanted to try the Karen's Body Beautiful for a long time and plan to get the Hair Nectar Leave-In Conditioner and the Butter Love Moisturizer. I am looking forward to trying both of these products because I have heard good things about them from YouTube and natural hair websites. Fortunately there is a hair care store that sells these products but they are available to be ordered online from the Karen's Body Beautiful website.

It is a never ending journey with natural hair. I feel like once I think I have it all figured out the game or the weather changes. But I guess it keeps life exciting. But I will be sure to give a review of how today's hairstyle turns out with the addition of the Kera Care leave-in and the subtraction of my Shea Moisture. It's not a loss because the majority of products I use are Shea Moisture anyway!