Hallmark Day

Today was an important hallmark in my life. I traveled to the serene, tree-lined streets of Prospect Park Brooklyn to meet with my new employer for whom I am doing two months of contract work. Today was the beginning of a dream being realized. When I was 22 and graduating from college I had my mind set on moving to NYC and going to graduate school and living a fabulous little life in the city. However, these plans did not go as expected. I got rejected from the schools that I applied to and could not find a job doing anything, which was not helped by the fact that I lived 600 miles away in North Carolina at the time. Then I got a second chance. I was put on a wait list at one of my NYU schools and journeyed there in hopes of getting in this second time around. However, that didn't work out either. I stifled my hopes of NYC living for the time being and then worked in North Carolina and lived at home for a year. I attended graduate school the next two years after that. I moved to DC but still had hopes of getting to NYC one day but not sure how it was going to happen. I was working steadily in DC from June '07 to March '08 and didn't really think that I would pursue living in DC but was content to live close enough to take the bus or train to get there for vacation or work. Then I lost my main means of support in March and I began looking for jobs in DC and in NYC. The thoughts began to re-enter my mind of finally getting to NYC. I applied for job after job and kept getting rejected. Then on one fateful day I got a call from a New York museum that was interested in hiring me. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I passed the phone interview and was invited to New York to go through the next interview. I left that interview feeling good and hoping that finally I would be headed to New York and realizing this dream I had four years ago. Sadly, that opportunity didn't work out either and I didn't know what to make of all these things going on in my life. But I had come to the realization that I was much happier when I visited New York and that DC was just not doing it for me anymore. So I focused all my efforts to getting to New York, no matter what. I did not think that I was ever going to end up having to move to New Jersey out of necessity and was really overjoyed at the fact that I was close enough to New York to pursue my work dreams. I started applying and calling and for several weeks that turned into months I didn't see any improvement. Then I began calling and networking with people in New York and that led to a contract which is basically my first New York job! It was an exciting day and I am so excited to have a research project to work on and ready to see where this all leads. I'm really thankful that after years of hoping, praying and persevering the dream is becoming a reality and I know that there is more to come!

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step."

Actively Seeking Change

Today began with a phone call that I was expecting to make but not expecting to go the way that it went. Fortunately I was inspired by this phone call to inact the word of the day from yesterday: change. So I set off to search for employment because that is the most pressing need that I have at this moment. I stopped at a retail store, a grocery store, and a mall. Between the three I think I came away with some good leads. I think I will eventually find my niche. There are a lot more hiring signs up than there used to be and I keep hearing that people are looking. So I feel like I am actively seeking the thing that I want the most at this moment. There are a ton of things that I would like to have happen right now but I know the world won't end if I don't. Also I have been hearing the same messages over the last two days which is that you have to get out and be active to see things happen. I have been searching for jobs from home for a while but I haven't been hitting the pavement and going to places to look for jobs which I think is a better way because people actually get to see you and speak with you. The people I spoke with today seemed really nice and pleasant and willing to consider me for the positions I was seeking. So I think that I made the right choice to get out and start putting some action behind my faith and beliefs. So change is not just the word of the day it's the word that I need to live by. I am actively seeking the change I want to have in my life and see in myself! Although I am asking the Lord to change me to the person that he wants me to be.

The Word of the Day is Change

Did you ever have a word of the day when you were in elementary school? You had to make up as many sentences as you could with the word and if it had more than one meaning then you had to be sure to use all the meanings as well. Today's word of the day for me is change. Last night I was looking at TV and a commercial came on for a Joyce Meyer program that was airing today. She was talking about several things that were appropriate for my life at this moment. The sound bite that I heard had to do with suffering the consequences of our actions and that sometimes God lets us go through suffering the consequences so we won't do the action again. This resonated with me all night, so much so that it took extra time to get to sleep. But the lesson that I was about to hear this morning was already taking root inside me. So this morning I woke up and waited for the program to come on. I really enjoy Joyce's no nonsense style of teaching and have read several of her books. So I settled on the couch as listened as she proceeded with this week's message on change. She said some things that I was not necessarily ready to hear because I wasn't ready to be honest with myself about them. She said that change is not about changing other people or even looking up to the heavens to cry for God to help us and change our lives. Change begins with when we decide to change. We have to make a decision to change the things that are in our power to change and trust the Lord to take care of the rest. He has already given us everything that we need but we are not always ready to receive it. So we get pitiful and try to have everyone give us a pat on the head or coddle us because we feel we deserve. Often times God is waiting on us when we think we are waiting on Him. So if we would just get up and do something or work in the capacities that we do have rather than focusing on the ones we don't then we might see the changes that we seek. We look everywhere else but within to seek change. We want everyone else to change and we don't try to search for the change that we need within. It's funny that we are often seeking things that we already have. Maybe we don't have what we want or the things that we have aren't exactly the way we want them but that doesn't mean that we can't move from where we are spiritually, physically, mentally, or emotionally and invoke changes that can help us to get to where we want to be. If you can't get out of the situation you're in then you can adopt a new attitude to make it work for you. If there are people that you have to be around that you don't like or don't like you you can look for a different situation and different people to be around. But whatever you do you don't have to be stuck or stay stuck where you are especially if where you are is making you unhappy. I was completely in agreement with this. Anyone who has read this blog before knows that there is more than one pitiful blog entry that laments the time it's taking for my life to get where I want it to be and all the pitfalls of having to deal with job hunting and relocating. But what I realized this morning is that if I didn't want change I would not have moved to New Jersey. If I didn't want change I would have given up on looking for a job after I lost my last opportunity at the Smithsonian. But if the past months have proven anything it's that I really do want to have a change in my situation and I am going to keep going until I reach the appointed time for what I want. But in the time that I am waiting for that to happen I can still have a good attitude, I can help out people when I can, I can volunteer in my community or at my church, and I can reach out to my friends and family. There are a lot of things that I can do even if they seem simple, they might mean something to someone else. If that wasn't enough after I finished reading my Bible for study this morning I read a chapter from Stan Toler's book and the chapter was about change. Stan hit on some of the points that Joyce hit on but he was talking more about being motivated to change and things that motivate us to change. We can be motivated positively or negatively, which lead to different kinds of changes in out lives. If we want to make a change to follow God and to receive His blessings it will require us to put Him first in our lives and to remember that even to change we need his help. Stan spoke of Jacob and how his name meant heel grabber or deceiver. He had left his home and his family because he deceived his brother out of his birthright. When Jacob was returning he wrestled with God in the night and wouldn't let go until God blessed him. God changed his name to Israel, which means He who struggles with God or Prince of God. He was changed by his new name, his new covenant with God, and by the limp that he was left with when God touched his hip. Everyday of his life Jacob was reminded of his wrestling with God by the physical effect it had on him but he was also committed to serving God and reminded of that as well. God helps us become who we need to be through change. Change is scary and unsettling especially when it happens in a short period of time but embracing it can work out for our good and bring us to a place we might have not reached if we had remained settled or too afraid to move.

So I don't think that the change lessons that I learned today were a coincidence. There has been a lot of change going on in my life and I haven't really had a prescription for how to deal with it all. And I have gone through all this emotional roller coaster feelings and stages and I have extreme highs and extreme lows. It's added much stress to my life, robbed me of sleep and has tried to stamp out my confidence. But I keep rising above and the key is to stay above. You have to determine that no matter what the circumstances are that you will not focus on the situations and how you feel but know that you will make it through because God says you will if you trust and believe in Him. It can look like nothing is happening and that all the resources have disappeared, all the friends are gone, and there is nothing to do but sit and mourn the things you've lost and the things you wish you had. Or you can believe that things are happening that you can't see and at the exact moment that you need for things to work in your favor they will because you trusted the Lord and you walked in faith and stayed the course even when the times get rough. I want to be the person that made it and I want to be the person who overcame not the one who got beaten down and couldn't make it.

"Everyone thinks of changing the world but no one thinks of changing himself"
- Leo Tolstoy

"Be the change you want to see in the world." - Mahatma Gandhi

Yoga Warrior

Today I got back on the yoga saddle and I thought that I was going to be all stiff and sore after the workout. But to my suprise and delight I proved to be limber and went almost the whole workout without dropping one bead of perspiration! I usually am panting along begging Denise Austin to have mercy on my out of shape body but today I kept up with her and didn't have the usually problems of feeling like I was going to burst. I was skeptical that if I only did the 20 minute yoga body burn 5 days a week that it might not work but I have been proven wrong. I have noticed a big difference and I haven't changed my diet drastically but the simple moves that I do from yoga have helped me regain some strength and ability that I lost from not being as active as I have in the past. This makes me really excited! I can't wait to work up to doing more. I know I have to be careful and not rush it but I can't wait until I do get to the point where I can move up to a higher level of yoga.

Sleeping Soundly

I know this is a very mundane topic of choice but sleep has not been easy the last several months. This is not just because I don't have an actual bed but a sectional sofa that I am temporarily using as a bed but also due to bouts with insomnia. There are nights when I lay down exhausted from whatever I tried to do with the day and I just lay there for hours and eventually fall asleep but only for a few hours. Then I am up the next day tired again. But it occured to me that at one time in my life I had the best sleep ever. That was when I used to go to bed every night at 10:00pm, if only I was that way now. This time of sleeping soundly was when I was a freshman in college. I had a roommate that was a night owl and I had classes early so I started taking Melatonin, a natural sleep aid and I got a sleep mask to block out the light from her lamp. So this past week I got a new sleep mask and also some high grade ear plugs. So on Monday I went to Wal-Mart and picked up these things to add to the Melatonin I already had. That night I wondered if this would work or not. I took the Melatonin 30 min before I went to sleep. Then I put in the ear plugs and put on the sleep mask. I settled on the sofa and wondered if it would really work. I have no recollection what happend in the course of the next 5 to 10 minutes. All I know is that the man that lives up stairs and sounds like he will fall through the ceiling everyday did not wake me up and neither did my dad when he got ready and left for work. When I woke up I was super energized and relaxed. And that's how I felt again today when I used my new secret weapons of sleep. How could I not have been doing this for a longer period of time? I wish I had thought about it when I used to fall asleep at 6 am just from being overtired from having insomnia. But now thankfully I know that I can have a good night's rest and not worry. I honestly think that part of the problem was that I was going to sleep too aware. There was light coming in through the windows and I could hear every noise in the apartment: the refridgerator coming on and off, creaks and squeaks of the floor, and any wind or rain going on outside hitting against the windows. So now I can sleep through the night and be fully prepared for whatever is going on the next day!

Showtime at the Apollo

Yesterday was awesome! I had a really great day. I went to New York in the morning super early because I had to catch a ride to Newark with my dad. I got to New York and went to the Starbucks on W35th to get some breakfast. I had not been there that early before and had arrived at the same time as the people headed to work and the tourists headed to the Macy's nearby and other site seeing venues. I ended up getting some of the Pike Place Roast and a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich. It was just what I needed but I didn't have a place to sit. I ended up sitting in the window sill behind a guy who was also sharing his table with two German tourists. After my breakfast I went to Herald Square where there were tables and chairs outside and umbrellas that were protecting them from the on and off rain that was passing through. I read outside for a while and then used the public bathroom they have in Herald Square that have sanitized seats! I decided to kill some time and walk to Times Square and catch the subway. When I got there I still had a ton of time so I ended up going to 9th avenue and walking up to Columbus Circle. The walk was great because I haven't been walking in so long. I used to walk everywhere when I lived in DC and now that I live in NJ there is just not enough walking which has led to a huge increase in my weight. But yesterday's walk excited me and felt really good. Plus I got to walk up 9th avenue which is not in the midst of all the touristy hub bub. I took the train uptown to 125th street but I was still early. So I decided to read the New York Post and wait for the time to meet my group at the Apollo. I sat down and waited reading about all the news from the night before and the morning. This older lady sat down next to me and started talking. She was talking about lots of things but mainly about living a life that shows Christ through it and not worrying about your needs because God will supply them. I'm usually not one for speaking to people I don't know but I was actually happy that Ms. Johnson sat down next to me. She was very encouraging even if she wasn't trying to be. But I was encouraged by hearing from her and connecting with her. After about 15 more min I went up to the street. I love 125th street. When I am there it feels so welcoming and like I have been there forever. I love seeing Malcolm's name and Adam Clayton Powell Jr.'s name. I just feel like so many people before me that I belong there, that even though I don't know anyone there there is a place for me. I walked down to the familiar sign. Not only because I have been to Harlem on several occasions and seen this sign but for six months I worked on a project that had me looking at this sign. I walked into the lobby and met the group of MCNY volunteers that were there for the meeting. It was a fabulous group of New York ladies and the leader of the group as well. Several of the ladies had been there for shows when they were younger. We were led through the Apollo's famous hallway past all the murals of all the legendary performers. The theater was so much smaller than I thought it would be but still mesmerizing. We entered the theater itself which has red velvet covered seats and a renovated stage that has the famous Tree of Hope on it. We were given the history of the venue by Mr. Apollo himself, Billy Mitchell, who does all the tours on the Apollo and will be in DC in April for the opening of the Apollo exhibition to speak on his time at the Apollo, since 1964 when he used to be an errand boy for the performers with a young Luther Vandross. We saw the signature wall with many noted performers, personalities and even a president. We walked up the stairs to the dressing rooms where performers like James Brown and Ray Charles have prepared for their Apollo shows. It was amazing to be there and to actually share that same space that people who have contributed so much to African American music and culture and American music and culture have occupied. I hope that at some point I get to go there for a show and experience the Apollo as a member of its audience! After the Apollo I went downtown to have coffee with a great friend, Holly. I love her so much! She is amazing and she is such a great listener. I really enjoy our conversations and I hope that when I move to New York (wink, wink) that we will get to enjoy each other's company much more. I know she has such a bright future. One of the things I think she will do in the future is nurture up and coming small businesses and entrepreneurs. Yesterday she gave me an idea for creating a museum blog, which I had thought of doing before when I did an Internet search looking for someone blogging on museums and couldn't find one. Stay tuned for the launching of a new museum blog from moi! I really had fun yesterday and it was a much welcomed distraction from the frustrations of the day and the last week and a half.

Good Grief

Today I very much do feel like Charlie Brown. I have applied for maybe a dozen positions in the last two months, possibly more, but I have not heard positive feedback from any. What is going on? Have you ever felt that every attempt that you make at trying to be positive and move your life into a better direction has been derailed mysteriously and without good reason. I have applied for several museum jobs because that is what I want to do but I have applied for jobs at several well known retailers as well. I am certain that I can restock shelves and fold clothes but nonetheless the merry-go round of unemployment continues. So I have been feeling lately a little like Charlie Brown with a bit of Murphy's Law mixed in. And I can't help but think what did I do to deserve this (Hello, Pet Shop Boys). I really can't think of anything I've done so horribly bad that I deserve this punishment. That is what it feels like, punishment. But nevertheless I keep applying for positions and making phone calls in hopes that someone out there will say, "This person is exactly what we need here!" Is that so much to ask for?

I am not blind or unaware that many 20somethings are in position and even 30somethings and 40somethings and 50somethings too. What I do know is that not for a lack of trying I have not been able to catch a break and I know that there are jobs out there because people I know have gotten jobs in the time that I have been looking. The worst of it is the fact that people in my life have taken it upon themselves to try and "help" me. The suggestions are not helpful but the fact that they care is. I have been sent job announcements for loading trucks in Baltimore, an unpaid summer internship in California, and have been told to see if the Post Office is hiring. These are all good suggestions in their own right but I worked really hard for six years in school to get the job that I wanted not a meantime job and maybe someday I'll get to do what I really want to do. Why do I have to wait when there are people out there who are getting to do exactly what they went to school to do and exactly what they want to do. And like I said I haven't been that picky I have been applying to retailers and other companies that I normally would never have considered. It just seems that if I am in this far I should keep chasing the dream. But what do I have to do to get there?

I am thankful that I do have a safety net. I am living with my dad and although I need desperately to pay my bills I won't be homeless or starving anytime soon. I am thankful that I have my basic necessities. But I would definitely like to be back on track to living the life that I would like to have rather than a stripped down version of one that I had never even thought about.

Yoga Two Days in a Row

So last week I had a startling revelation. My cousin is getting married in the summer, June, and I am in this wedding and will need to be displayed before friends and family in tight fitting formal wear. I had planned to have myself on the path to health before this date was even near to being this close to happening but as usual life happened and didn't happen for that matter and I realized I have three months to get it together. So I said to myself that I would just fire up the DVD player and get to work with Denise Austin and the Yoga Body Burn workout that I really like. Little did I know that since the last time I did this workout well over a year ago I have gained a significant amount of weight. So yesterday when I was squeezing into my old workout clothes I began to get a little scared. I started up the DVD and began my sun salutations and downward facing dogs. Little did I know that I was going to feel like another person while doing this. What I mean by that is that yoga makes one keenly aware of their body because you are only using your body to do the yoga and much of the time holding and supporting your weight with your limbs in various poses. My goodness! Fifteen minutes never felt so long. My body was so weak and so out of shape and so cumbersome. It made me think of Biggest Loser Episodes and weight loss stories I had seen in the past where people said I don't know how I got to this weight. And that is exactly how I felt yesterday as I stepped on the scale for the first time in a long time and was startled by the number that I saw. Who is this person? How did she get to weigh so much? It was freightening and it was scary to think that I had more than exceeded my personal peak. But then I had a really great thing happen which was a resolve not to sulk about it and run to the pantry for a Hershey's miniature but to make a plan of action. I decided to be more active and to really streamline my diet. I think the thing that really led to this increase in my weight was letting myself eat really unhealthy because I was coping with some major feelings of disappointment, fear, anxiety, isolation, depression, and worry over the last five months. I used food to pacify myself as I tried to figure out what was next in my life but still not being able to have a concrete answer. I don't even have an answer now as I am writing this, I have seven applications and resumes out and haven't heard back from any. But I can't afford to do those things because they are not helpful and they are putting me at a significant health risk if I keep indulging in them. But it was good yesterday to have what Oprah calls the Ah-Ha moment. So today I put my Denise Austin Yoga Body Burn back on and proceeded to actually do better with it today than I did yesterday. And I know if I keep doing it I will keep getting better and better and I will be able to do the workout better and add more to it eventually. But I think that it's better late than never and I have the next three months to try and get to a weight I feel I will be comfortable at for my cousin's wedding but I plan to get to my goal weight by the end of the year and keep it off for once and for all.