More Life Lessons from Jonah

Today I had another "Ah Ha" moment from the life of Jonah as told by Priscilla Shirer in Life Interrupted. Priscilla pointed out that although Jonah had been spared and had made the journey to Nineveh to tell the people what God was saying, when the people actually listened and God spared them Jonah was mad. Jonah didn't mind that he had been spared by God's grace just a few short days before but now that it was the Ninevites turn to receive grace he didn't like it one bit.

Priscilla likened this to when someone you don't like or you think you have a higher moral fiber or character than has good things happen to them and you don't have good things happening to you at that moment. Jonah most likely was doing what he needed to do in order to have favor while thinking that God would still destroy the Ninevites or not be compassionate towards them. But when the Lord spared them after seeing their repentance Jonah didn't understand it and he through a hissy fit before God. God responded to Jonah by saying, "Do you have good reason to be angry?"

Doesn't He always get us like that. We always feel like we have been done an unimaginable disservice only for God to ask or pose one question that will set us straight. I thought about how over the past couple of years I have at times felt singled out by God. I felt like the hammer of correction was coming down on me while friends, acquaintances, and strangers lived their lives any way they wanted to and got good outcomes. My first feelings would be, "That's not fair! They do this and they do that. They say this and they say that. They go here and they go there. If they can be bad and not get punished why am I being punished!?" I vented my frustration all the time to anyone who would listen. Finally I ran out of people to listen and I was left alone with my thoughts. I finally got the revelation that God is good not based on our meriting His goodness but simply because He is good. I heard a message from my pastor here in Charlotte, Pastor Gool, that talked about how even when people who may not be following after God receive blessings those blessings still come from Him. He wants to be good to everyone. It doesn't mean that He doesn't see their sin or that He condones the things that they do wrong, but He still loves them the same that He loves everyone else including me. So often we just want vindication and judgement to come on people who do us wrong or who seem to be getting away with things. But God is not like that. He sees them in a way that we can't because He loves them and us in spite of our wrongs and faults. I have had some Jonah moments in my life where I have looked up to the sky with a puzzled look on my face as to why God didn't just electrocute the person who just said that mean thing or did that mean thing to me. But God treats them with love and I have to too. It's not easy and it's not always understandable but that's the way it is. Priscilla called this kind of attitude "having God on our own terms." We want mercy and favor and our own plans and causes to be rubber stamped by God but we don't want that for anyone else. And when it seems to us that these things are happening for others especially for people we are envious of, dislike, or who dislike us we can't understand why their lives are working out positively and our lives are working out negatively. There is a simple explanation for why we can't figure it out. God is God and we are not. God knows how the decisions that each of us make will affect our futures, not just now but for the long haul, eternally. God has a kingdom way of functioning while we function on a very temporary basis most of the time. So instead of questioning why other people's lives are working out better than ours we really have to just say, "I know that the good things that are happening to them come from the Lord and that the Lord will take care of me the way that He has taken care of them."

When God inserts Himself into your life plan it does seem like the most unfair and inconvenient thing He could ever do but it's just the opposite. When He inserts Himself into your life I think it means that He sees more for you to do and be capable of than you see in yourself. But in order to use you and for you to be of use to Him, He has to shake you and reveal what's really deep down inside of you, stuff that is surprising and shocking that you probably would be ashamed to admit you think and feel. But He reveals these things to us to make us better and to help us get to where He has for us to go. After having read several accounts of people who have been recruited into serving the Lord, I think that it is quite normal for people to go through these feelings that Jonah had. They feel like they want vindication and validation when God wants for them to have compassion and love, often times for people who are your enemies or who have not treated you well. It's hard to do but it is a lesson in loving people like God loves people. He sees the best in them and He values them and we have to do the same. I think this is the lesson that Jonah learned after God questioned him post-angry outburst.   

Welcome to the World: JALA XAVIERA NEAL

Jala Xaviera Neal

Mom, Me and Jala

Aunt Eva and Jala

Scierra and Jala

Jala with Mom

Jala with Dad

Last night at 10:55 pm I received a text from my cousin Jade that she and her husband, Jeff, had welcomed into the world my new 2nd cousin Jala (Jay-lah). She let us know that Jala made her entrance at 9:32 pm on July 23 weighing in at 7lbs and measuring 21 inches long. We were too excited to get to meet her. Mom and I hopped in the car right after church to get to Greensboro to see our new member of the family. When we got to the room it was just Jala and her mom there so we got to spend a few minutes alone with them and hold Jala and admire her. She is beautiful! She looks just like Jade and she has my Uncle Jeffery's lion mane of hair. It was so exciting to see her because this is the second great-grandchild for our family but the first that we have actually been able to be a part of the birth for. And Jala is the newest baby that I have ever held in my life. I haven't ever held a baby that was less than 24 hours old. But I got to meet Jala before she reached that milestone. My cousin looked great and despite a long labor she was in really high spirits and seemed to be feeling a little bit more normal after the harrowing events of the last two days. It was just so exciting. I can remember when all of my younger cousins were born but I was still young myself so I couldn't sense the impact of their arrivals but with Jala I almost feel like I'm her aunt because Jade and I were that close when I was growing up. It's actually being able to see and hold the next generation. I can't wait to see who she becomes. I'm excited to see what she looks like as she grows up and what her voice sounds like when she can speak. I'm excited to see what interests her and where God leads her. I am just so excited about her life. My mom was so excited that she was ignoring the GPS on our way home and drove us in a circle for a half an hour because she kept taking wrong turns. But it was such an exciting moment to actually see Jala on the outside after seeing her on the inside over the past couple of months. I am just so thrilled for my cousin and my mom and dad who will be godparents to Jala and thrilled to see Jala meet the rest of the family. Earlier today after we arrived and spent maybe about 20-30 minutes with Jade and Jala my Aunt Eva and Cousin Scierra came in. It was just so great to be with my mom and my aunt and then my two oldest girl cousins and then our new cousin. All of these women have had such an impact on my life and I can't imagine my life without them. We all have shared so many memories together and now Jala is a part of our group too. I just can't believe it. I am so excited about getting to see and hold her again and so glad that she is finally here!

The Unexpected

Photo via UK Daily Mail



Today was a really good day. I was helping my mom move some things out of my aunt's house. We had not been to the house in a long time and had some things that we needed to move out before they moved completely out of the house themselves. We had a really good time talking about memories and discussing current life situations together. I really enjoyed it. We all nearly roasted though because it was one of the hottest weekends so far this summer and the electricity had been disconnected already. But we managed to make it through the hours of sorting and packing. All this was coupled with our awaiting the news of the arrival of our new family member, Jala. My cousin Jade and her husband, Jeff, welcomed a baby girl this evening. So there was a lot to talk and think about.

Last night I had read just a little about the shooting that occurred in Oslo, Norway. I missed the news because we were watching a movie last night and I only came across it as I was in the midst of getting ready to check email. I was gone all day today but briefly got a glimpse of a newspaper from this morning that said 87 people were reported dead. Then this evening I learned that that number has jumped to 92. Still reeling from the horror that is unfolding from the stories of the men, women and teens who were killed and injured by this mad person who went on his rampage, I clicked online to find out about the updated details and was instantly struck by the image I saw of Amy Whinehouse. The caption I read above her photo blindsided me. I am fully aware of the troubles that she had faced over the course of the last 4 years but I never get used to that gut wrenching feeling when you read or recognize that the star or person that you are looking at in the photo has just been found dead. I was instantly shocked and taken aback. For her to die at 27, the same age as several other music sensations like Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janice Joplin, Jim Morrison, and Kurt Cobain, I just am ached by the thought of, "No, not another one." It is so painful to think about someone that young being overcome by drugs or fame or depression or whatever else to the point that they lose their life. I used to think when I was a pre-teen and young teenager that people who died in their 20s had lived a lot of life but as someone who is about to finish their twenties this year I now know that it is merely the beginning to living, you haven't really started yet.

I never get over that first shock of realizing news like this. I remember when I heard about Heath Ledger, Michael Jackson, DJ AM, and Brittany Murphy. It was so unreal to me because with the exception of Michael, the others were members of my generation. It hits very close to home when you realize your own mortality after witnessing the demise of someone else. It took me half an hour just to get through the article that I read about Amy because the news was just so unexpected. I know that the media has chronicled her troubles for a long time but I guess deep down I hoped that somehow she would be able to get her life and career back on track. I learned about Amy Winehouse during my final quarter in graduate school. Her album had just hit the States and I remember seeing her album on iTunes all the time and hearing her name on people's lips as they talked about her meteoric rise and her ever increasing fame. Honestly I only heard "Rehab" and "You I'm No Good" off of the Back to Black album. Actually the song that I like the best of hers is Valerie from her first album Frank. When you look just at the music you can see how talented and gifted she was as an artist. I remember asking one of my friends, "Where does that voice come from?" The soulfulness and jazziness with which she sang was very special because it was just such a pure voice. And I think that is what is very upsetting in coming to terms with her death, the fact that she was someone who was so perceivably talented. I think that there are people who are just blessed with gifts and talents that can be shared in ways that others cannot. For example, I am a very organized person. I think that I can arrange things in a very neat and orderly way but I can't carry around my closet or my room with me and showcase my organizational skills to people. They would just have to take my word for it and probably wouldn't care anyway. But people who can sing, dance, or play and instrument, that is talent that you can showcase. You can prove that to people. And then music in itself or dance as well are art forms that can move people and communicate with people on a deep level. And to know that Amy possessed that ability and the talent to do that but that it was put on the back burner because of drugs, alcohol, and difficult personal relationships, it's just heartbreaking. But I am thankful that in her short life the world was able to see and recognize and appreciate her talent. Sadly, she has joined that 27 Club and that is difficult to come to grips with. But once again I am reminded that life is short and it is what you make it. We have to make every moment count and we have to live life with purpose. The most important thing is to know God and to know that there is salvation through Jesus, so that if for any reason you do leave this world you know where you are going. 

Again this is such a tragedy and I feel such sympathy for her family and friends to have to deal with losing her way too soon.

RIP Amy Winehouse

Amy Carmichael Revisited

I just spent a good portion of an hour writing a blog post about how all these different things that I read today connected with one another in a most amazing God ordained way. Yet when I hit the "Publish Post" button I was taken out of Blogger and to the sign in page. When I checked back to see if my post had posted I was shocked to find that the whole thing was lost. Oy! Well I won't waste any tears over it. But I will give the gist of what I wrote.

Today I had some amazing connection between my Bible study and the book that I have been reading for the last three weeks, Life Interrupted. I was reading the last two chapters of Acts in my Women's Devotional Bible. The devotion at the last of Acts which I just happened to look at was the Amy Carmichael poem posted below. It caught my attention because of its words expressing how life is not always sunshine and roses. We go through times of pain and sadness and hurt. I can well identify with what Amy Carmichael is speaking of in the poem. I moved on to the beginning of Romans. Romans 1:16 is a well quoted verse. It says, " For  I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God unto salvation to everyone who believeth, to the Jew first and also to the Greek." (KJ21). After I finished my Bible study I posted the poem I had read on my blog and moved on to reading Life Interrupted. I had briefly looked through the link to Amy Carmichael's Wikipedia page that I had attached to the poem. On the page I had seen the names of Jim Elliot and Elisabeth Elliot as people who were influenced by Amy Carmichael's life as a missionary. But I didn't know who they were. I ventured into reading Chapter 12 of my book in which Priscilla was speaking as to how Jonah was given the task of going on the Great Commission just as we are in Matthew 28: 16-20. Jonah began his foray into the Great Commission centuries before ours was recorded in the New Testament but the purpose is still the same today as it was then. We are called to go out and seek and save the lost. Jonah was called to Nineveh specifically, and you might have a specific destination that God has called you to, to share the Gospel of Christ with people who are in need or are hurting. But as Priscilla points out in the chapter whether we have a specific assignment right now or not we are to let God's presence shine through us in every area of our lives and in everything that we do. We might need to exhibit God more in our attitude, in the way we treat strangers, in reaching out to co-workers or neighbors, or people that we meet just in living out or daily lives. We are to let our lives exhibit the presence of God at all times. Jonah, when he got to Nineveh, exhibited an evidence that he had been through something. He had just completed a 500 mile trek to Nineveh from Joppa and did that after having been expelled from the belly of a giant sea monster. The people of Nineveh most likely took stock that when he said that there was a countdown to destruction withing the next 40 days for them, that he meant it. Jonah had not wanted to go to Nineveh. He hated the Ninevites. He wanted to go as far away from them as he possibly could and he in fact tried to do so. But God helped him to see that there was a better purpose in what He had called him to do than what he thought would be the better route to take. Jonah simply needed to repent and obey. He needed to follow God's commands for him. When he did obey God assured him that he would be with him and help him to accomplish the task that he had called him to. When Jonah got to Nineveh, the people's hearts had been prepared by God through prior circumstances to receive the message Jonah had for them which God gave him. The book of Jonah says that the greatest to the least even the king and the animals all wore sackcloth and ashes to repent of their sins. Jonah's act of obedience led to the repentance of a whole city of people and their salvation from impending destruction. God used Jonah to do something completely supernatural.

I like how God didn't give up on Jonah. He gave him a second chance to do the right thing after rescuing him from doing the wrong things. So many times we think we have got the answers or the right plan or all the right things accounted for only to learn we were all wrong. God corrects us, puts us back on track, and helps us to follow after him to get to where we need to be. I love that about Him. I like that He cares too much to leave us where we are even though He loves us just the way we are.

As I was reading my chapter in Priscilla's book I came across the name Elisabeth Elliot. She was used as an example of someone who knew about letting God shine through her rather than trying to use her own personal characteristics or experiences illustrate God for others. Later on I found out that Elisabeth's first husband, Jim Elliot, was killed by a group of indigenous peoples in Ecuador while trying to bring the Gospel to them. He and four other men were killed and their bodies found in a river. Even though Elisabeth must have been heartbroken about what happened she stayed in Ecuador and she preached to the very group of people that had killed her husband, along with her young daughter and a female companion. I don't know about you but to me that says that she was not ashamed or dismayed. I'm sure that plenty of people would have taken those circumstances as signs to quit but she was undeterred to carry out the mission that she had been given.

I'm really thankful as well that today I learned about Amy Carmichael. I have seen her quotes and devotionals sprinkled throughout my devotional Bible but I never stopped to look up who she was. Who she was, was a women devoted to God and devoted to the people of India in Tamil Nadu. She rescued orphans and young girls who would have been given over to shrine prostitution if she had not stepped in and she also rescued those who had already been given to that lifestyle. She was an amazing woman. The fact that she traveled in parts of the world where few people let alone women traveled in the late 1800s and early 1900s is just remarkable to me but also indicative of the fact that God can use people in what seem to be the most unlikely of places.

The story of the Elliots and of Amy Carmichael, who was listed as an influencer of their decision to be missionaries, really was eye opening to me. It's one thing to look at the story of Jonah and see that God used him in an unconventional way but then to have examples from not that long ago as examples of the same thing is just really amazing and I am thankful for it.

God really does know what's best even when sometimes you feel like shouting out, "What are you doing to me?" I know I have felt that way on more than one occasion and I have wanted to ask the Lord to just stop and to just let me off the ride. I will take my cubicle job and my mundane normal life in exchange for giving up what is on the other side of all this. But God knows best. He knows that what's on the other side of all that I have experienced is more than worth the things that I have to go through to get there. It's not a life interruption, it's a divine intervention.

Amy Carmichael Poem

"Our Father knows what's best for us, so why should we complain?

We always want the sunshine, but He knows there must be rain.

We love the sound of laughter and the merriment of cheer, But our hearts would lose their tenderness if we never shed a tear.

For growing trees are strengthened when they withstand the storm, And the sharp cut of the chisel gives the diamond grace and form.

God never hurts us needlessly, and He never wastes our pain, For every loss He sends to us is followed by rich gain.

And when we count the blessings that God so freely sent, We'll find no cause for murmuring, and no time to lament.

For our Father loves His children, and to Him all things are plain,

So He never sends us pleasure when the soul's deep need is pain.

So whenever we are troubled, and when everything goes wrong, We know God's working in our hearts, to make our spirit strong." Amy Carmichael

Steven Curtis Chapman - Do Everything

Words of Encouragement

"But what seems like it's been designed to kill us may actually be God's way of perserving us, rescuing us from what could be a far more dire consequence. Maybe, just maybe, the more vast the consequences we face, the more vast the work He plans to perform through us after it eases up or passes. When we feel His correction particularly heavy upon us, it's sometimes not so much in proportion to past or recent sin as in proportion to the great task awaiting us when He's done, when we've endured it." - Priscilla Shirer (Life Interrupted)

Stay in the Boat

Last week I had the chance to just read and study like I wanted to. I didn't get up early and I didn't veg out on the couch and watch TV either. I spent most of the time really getting into my Bible and my new Priscilla Shirer book, Life Interrupted. I think I last wrote about how she was talking about how God sends storms, like the one He sent Jonah, to correct us, discipline us and send us on the right path to do His will. I read that on Friday or Saturday, I think. On Sunday my parents and I attended Love of Jesus Church in Orange, NJ. It's the church that both my dad and I belong to. It was a great time. The message was awesome. It was about faith and how to attain it, build it up, and use it. It was a really great message. But even before we got to the message Pastor Jason called for people to come to the alter for prayer. I decided to go because I have been grappling with a lot of questions and just needed to have someone pray and agree with me for the things that I was dealing with. I thought when I went up there that I was just going to get a prayer with a few words of encouragement. Instead I got a personal message from the Lord. I won't reveal all that He said but I was reduced to tears by the end of it. Pretty much He just assured me that He knows what He's doing with me although my life feels really chaotic right now and He told me not to worry and to just trust in Him for all I need. He also confirmed for me that this season in my life has been a season of growth. I needed to go through some personal cultivation. It was so good and so needed. It's amazing that the God of the universe cares about me enough to whisper in my ear that He knows what I'm going through and He will get me through it if I just keep trusting and relying on Him.

After service I got to introduce my mom to all the people that I know at LOJ, literally all of them. I had no idea that they were going to be there but I was so glad to see them again and know that they had not forgotten me and I was glad that they were able to meet my mom too. I think she enjoyed meeting them as well. After church we went to Brooklyn to pick up some hasser fish for a friend of ours in Charlotte who is originally from Guyana. A friend of his had gotten this fish and some traditional Guyanese pastries as well for us to take back to him. I had never been to East Flatbush but it was such an interesting experience with all the shops, the music and the people. It was really fun. After we got the items from our friend's friend we went to a restaurant in Canarsie called Bamboo Gardens. It's very popular with people in that area because it serves Chinese food and West Indian food as well. We probably would have stayed longer but we were all tired and we were going to go back to church that night. We got back to Jersey with probably about 40 min before we had to leave for church again. Mom and I ended up going to church while Dad stayed in. The evening service was really awesome as well. We had special guests from a place called Anchor House in New York. They shared the testimonies of how they ended up at Anchor House with us and they sang songs as well. It was a really great time. I really enjoy being at my church, I love my pastor, and I will miss it while I'm away.

The next day Mom and I got packed up so we could get on the road but there were so many things to get done before we left that we didn't end up leaving until about late afternoon. We all ate together at Pithari Greek Taverna in Highland Park, NJ. It's my favorite Greek restaurant in New Jersey. Their food is so good! After we ate we got on the road headed for home. We drove for a little bit before stopping in Delaware at the Welcome Center there. I was dragging a little bit so I needed some ice coffee (I was driving) and Mom got some ice cream. So we relaxed a few minutes before getting back on the road. We were actually not making too bad on time. Then we ran into a severe storm when we got outside of DC on the Virginia side.

I want to take a side note here to talk about something else. While we were in the car Mom and I were listening to some cds Dad bought be of a woman who came to LOJ last year named Mary Ann Brown. She's a prophetess and she did a woman's conference for the LOJ women last year. She was awesome and I enjoyed hearing here speak and she also gave some prophesies about things that were going to be going on in the United States very soon. She came back to LOJ in June but I was here in NC so I couldn't go to the services. My dad bought the cds of the messages that she shared while she was there. In the messages we were listening to on the way home she was talking about how America is going through and about to enter into a great season of tribulation because we are under judgement for the sins that we have committed as a nation. I know some people are very skeptical about end time prophecy or Biblical prophecy altogether but she was warning LOJ as a church and all those listening about getting ready for the storm. Immediately when she said storm I thought about what I had been reading about Jonah. And how the storm that Jonah went through was not from the enemy but from God and it was actually to help Jonah to get into God's will and to realize that He was doing the wrong things and headed down the wrong path. Mary Ann Brown was speaking the same things over America. She was saying that we as the church need to look at and examine ourselves in order to receive mercy during this storm and to be used for God's purposes during this storm. When she mentioned Jonah in her message my mouth flew open. It was pretty much God confirming for me the things that I had just finished reading in Life Interrupted. Then she elaborated on a very familiar passage of scripture involving a storm. She spoke about how Jesus put the disciples in a boat after the miracle of feeding the 5,000. He went to pray and they were told to meet Him on the other side of the sea of Galilee. The disciples were told that they were going to meet Jesus on the other side but when there came a severe storm they got frightened. Then they saw Jesus walking on the water toward them. They thought He was a ghost and were even more terrified. Then Peter called out to Jesus that if it was really Him that He should command him to come out of the boat to Him. So Jesus did. And Peter got out of the boat and he walked toward Jesus on the water. However, he became afraid and began to sink and cried out, "Lord, save me." Jesus saves him and then says to him, "Oh, ye of little faith, why did you doubt?" In Mary Ann Brown's message she said that Jesus said this to Peter not because He wanted Him to know that he could have stayed on top of the water by keeping his eyes fixed on Jesus but because he should have believed that when Jesus put them in the boat and said He would meet them on the other side that He meant He would see them on the other side, that there was not anything to fear because He had already spoke safe passage for them to other side of the sea. But what happened in the boat was a test of where their faith was. Obviously it was not where it needed to be. They were clinging to each other in fear and they were in terror. They weren't quoting Jesus' send off or assuring themselves that God was with them, they were screaming. Mary Ann said that some storms the Lord sends to test us and see where we are. Immediately when these storms of life come we immediately want God to save us and take us out of the boat like Peter did. We want God to let us cling to His side and know that He is there because we can see Him and reach out and grab Him. But God wants us to be able to have faith enough for the times where we can't see Him or reach out and grab Him but we still know that He is with us and that He is there with us and watching us as He was with the disciples in the boat. This message was just too deep for me. The way in which all the things that I had been experiencing and reading came together in that message was just truly God orchestrated and ordained. I have been praying and praying and praying for God to take me out of this boat of instability and unemployment. The boat has been rocked and tossed. The waves have been crashing in on me and terrifying me. I've very much wanted to jump out of the boat and just go to Jesus. But through my circumstances God has been telling me to stay in the boat. Don't hop out, don't cower, and don't worry because He has already told me that He will see me through to the other side. The storm feels long and uncomfortable and I am tired of the upheaval. But I have to stay in the boat.That is where God wants me to be.

So back to the drive home. We ran into a severe storm on the Virginia side of DC. It was torrential raining, the wipers were at full speed, the flashers were on, we were moving between 10 miles and 30 miles and hour, there was lightening all around us and the traffic was a mess because no one could see their lanes. My mom was nervous and making nervous mom sounds and making me go at a snail's pace. I was really frightened inside. As I looked at the sky being illuminated all around me and then at times couldn't see a thing, I was praying silently on the inside because I wanted to stop and hide but I felt like I just needed to keep going. So deeper and deeper we went into the storm actually in search of getting out of or through the storm. Just when it seemed the storm was passing it would re surge. There would be more and more of the same and I was thinking when is this going to end. But I kept going and I kept pleading the blood of Jesus over my mother and I and our car and just believed that God had answered our prayers earlier in the day for protection on our journey home. Eventually we made it through the storm. We got to a place where the storm had just been and things were settling down. There were still evidences of the storm but there was nothing that gave cause for concern like sheets of rain or lightening strikes. It wasn't until I was out earlier today driving around on an errand that I thought about the fact that last week God was speaking to me about storms through Jonah's story and Priscilla's book, then through Mary Ann's messages, and then through a very real demonstration. God is very good at getting His point across and I think He more than got His point across to me that I needed to just stay in the boat, in life or in a actual storm, the safest place to be is where He has put you. So many times I have wanted to get out of the boat. But God kept me in it and has kept me sailing across my own stormy, raging sea but I know that like Jesus promised the disciples that He would see them on the other side that my Father in heaven has promised me that He will see me on the other side of the storm. So whether it is a personal life storm or a national storm like our nation is about to face stay in the boat where God has placed you. I know I will.

Did I Miss the Exit?

Today I was continuing reading through the book, Life Interrupted, by Priscilla Shirer. I read two chapters instead of my regular one. They both got me thinking about my own story. In the first chapter she was speaking of how the storms of life come to discipline and correct us when we are heading in the wrong direction. She spoke of how Jonah's storm was for his correction because God loved him too much to let him continue in his rebellion outside of His will for him. Priscilla spoke of how the storms in our lives are used by God to get our attention when any other way would not work. The second chapter talked about Jonah having to come to terms with the fact that the ship and its passengers were in trouble because of him. He had to take responsibility for the circumstances that they found themselves in and he offered to take on that responsibility by being thrown over the ship's side. This was the beginning of Jonah's repentance: accepting responsibility and taking on the consequences of his circumstances.

In a previous post I was talking about all the things that have been a Nineveh to me but I realized that I left one out: Charlotte. My hometown in North Carolina. I have been adamant for some years that I don't want to go back there. It's not as fast paced as DC or NY. It doesn't have a metro or a subway system. It has a lite rail, which really is not the same at all. It's slower, it's sleepier, and I have had visions of being other places besides Charlotte for a long time. I wanted to live in NY and then I wanted to live in DC and then I wanted to live in NY again. But Priscilla's writing about running started me thinking about how I have been running from Charlotte for several years. In 2008 when my job in DC ran out, I was told by my mother that I could always come back to Charlotte. My sentiments on that, "No way, Jose!" I did not want to have to move back home and did not want to be living in Charlotte again. But in hindsight it might have been better than living in DC and struggling for the next year and a half. Was I running from what God was wanting me to do? I was adamantly against going back to Charlotte. Was losing my job and having to go through difficulties part of God getting my attention to do what He had planned for me to be doing. I never really asked God what He wanted me to do. I think if I could go back to the prayers I was praying then, they probably were thanking God for the eventual coming through on the job He had for me in DC rather than asking what He wanted for me to do. Maybe I was supposed to have gotten off the DC highway when the job at SITES ended but instead my behaviour was a big, "No," to what God may have been leading me to. So then the plans I tried to make, the jobs I tried to get, the exhaustive efforts I tried to put forth to get a break, and the misery I felt at leading a less than comfortable existance were a part of my "storm" that God sent to correct my rebellion to seeking what His will was for me rather than making plans and asking Him to bless them. As well as to correct my dissent into hanging out with the wrong people and doing the wrong things. It definitely made me raise an eyebrow as I was thinking about what I had read. And possibly, quite possibly, my "jumping overboard" was coming to New Jersey. Coming to New Jersey did quell the life "storm" that I was facing at the time. And maybe this year and a half I have spent in New Jersey has been my "three days in the whale." I suppose I won't know that until I read the next chapter of the book. I don't know that it wasn't the right decision not going back, but it is interesting to think about. Kind of like a Moses situation, where he probably didn't want to have to go back to Egypt after 40 years and face the people that knew he was a murderer or the people in Pharoah's household who had once served him as a prince. But God led him back to help his people. Another interesting thing is that I have been taken back to Charlotte for majority of this year. I first arrived in Charlotte the last week of March thinking that I would only be there for a few weeks. But then I have been there for three and a half months already and am seeking to stay there for the next month and a half. I can't help but think that I missed the exit somewhere along the way. Was I supposed to be in Charlotte this whole time?

I'm not sure what the answer to that question is but it seems that there is substantial evidence that the Lord could be leading me back to Charlotte. I have come to like Charlotte again. At one time I was just completely against it in my vain attempt to turn myself into the urban sophisticate that I thought I was or hoped that I would become. But now I am okay with Charlotte. It might lack some of the urban amenities that I have become use to, like subways, but it's a nice place, it's where I'm from. Besides I like being near my family and being able to see and attend things that they are doing. Like this month my oldest first cousin is having a baby and I want to be there for that, my family reunion is next month and I want to go to that, and then my aunt is having a big birthday party and I want to be able to do that too. So I really feel connected in a way I haven't really felt before to Charlotte and to North Carolina. I don't know for sure if I am going to be in Charlotte permanently but I would not be surprised if I ended up there.

It's funny how I picked up Priscilla's book and thought that I would be getting a lesson in faith and patience to get through life's interruptions caused by other people and circumstances out of my control. And that is part of it but it has turned out to be a lesson in letting God have control and work out His plan for my life without resisting Him and then also examining the ways in which I have held up or prolonged that plan. The last part I had never really thought about before.Oops, my bad. But that's the great thing about God that Priscilla writes about Jonah's experience, God loved Him too much to let Him ruin his life and live outside of His plans for him. I think I can definitely see evidences of that in my life. I still don't know what my divine appointment or assignment is but I believe that this time has been preparation for it. I'm glad that no matter how much I have resisted that God hasn't let me go or left me to my own devices heading in a downward spiral. I'm interested to see what happens next.

Just yesterday when I was having my quiet time I was praying to the Lord about what to do because I wasn't sure if I was supposed to stay in Charlotte or come back to New Jersey. I was thanking God because last year part of God's Word to me through Pastor Dave at LOJ was that my transition to New Jersey was not a mistake. That made me feel really good that the Lord reminded me that New Jersey was not an accident. And at least until I started reading Priscilla's book today I was convinced that New Jersey was where I was going to stay. But then when I began to think about the things she was writing I couldn't help but see and find traces of my own story in Jonah's. The key word in the word from God was "transition". I transitioned into New Jersey and it got me back on track. But He didn't tell me, "And you will stay in New Jersey forever." He told me that I had transitioned here out of DC but there was no word of its permanence. So I guess I'll have to wait to see what the next exit will be. I'm glad that even if I missed the exit in 2008 that God can still get me to the place I need to be.

It was a good day...

Today was a really good day. I woke up and wrote an email for part of the project that I have been working on for the last two months. Then I had great quiet time. I showered and got dressed and headed out. I stopped by Sally Beauty Supply where I picked up some grip clips to help stretch out my curls when my hair is drying and I got a small spray bottle for re-wetting my hair when I'm styling it. After that I was thinking of just getting some fast food for dinner and heading back home but the traffic was awful going back towards where my dad lives. So I went to Bridgewater, NJ. I had never driven there before but with the GPS I made it. I was heading out there because I wanted to see if I liked this Vera Bradley pattern that I had seen online. The pattern is called Baroque. I have a ton of Vera Bradley in Chocolate but they discontinued that pattern. I want to replace the wallet and purse that I have now because I have had them for several years and I need to replace them. And I wondered if I might be able to see the pattern for myself at the Bridgewater Commons Vera Bradley store. I made it to the mall and found the store. I was able to see the wallet I want which is the turn lock wallet. I looked at the purses but I didn't like the ones that I saw. Because I hadn't eaten and I was thinking of all the potential traffic I would be waiting in on the way back home I decided to eat something at the mall. I got some beef and shrimp terryaki from a hibatchi place. It was so good and I thought I would have some to bring home but I didn't; I ate it all. After that I started the drive home. I found a new station to listen to on the radio in my mom's car, 99.1 The Star. I usually am listening to XM radio in my dad's car so I don't know the local stations but I like 99.1 a lot. So I listened to it on the way back and the traffic thankfully was not so bad. I felt good being out and prolonged the drive a little more. Then I came in and watched some TV and spent some time online. I spoke to my parents and learned that they won't be back til Saturday. So I have one more day of my staycation!

Six Months From Today

Six months from today I will turn 30. I used to look at this event with dread but now I am ready for it. The rollercoaster ride that has been my twenties will be a thing of the past. I feel like with a new decade I get a fresh start. I am ready to see what the 30s hold for me. I believe it's going to be a great time in my life. I think I have pointed out that 30 was a turning point for several prominent figures in scripture. Joseph was appointed prime minister of Egypt at 30, David became king of Israel at 30 and last but not least Jesus started His earthly ministry at the age of 30. I'm not comparing myself to any of these people but I think that maybe the Lord mentions their age as a reminder that as we get older we get better; there are good things to come from having grown out of your youth. I am really excited about it. I wonder where I will be when I turn 30 and what I will be doing. I want to have an enjoyable day even if I am by myself. I want to rejoice that I made it that far when many of my contemporaries have not. I am excited for the blog I will most likely write that day about what it feels like to be 30. I'm just excited!


I think partly this excitement comes from the chapter I just read in Priscilla Shirer's book Life Interrupted about your life story. If you are content to just live out the plans that you have for your life then you could be missing out on the amazing story that God could use your life for. Many times we think that God's interruptions into our lives are to hinder us and draw us out of the race when really He is trying to tell us that He thinks we will be better suited to telling His story through our lives. I learned that when God places a divine intervention into your life the best thing to do is to just go with it because He is trying to do something better for you than you could do for yourself. So I take comfort in and find solace in the fact that God has a task for me that far exceeds the plan I made for myself to just be a curator at a museum for the rest of my life. So I believe that very soon I will see a manifestation of the Lord in my life. It might happen before I'm 30 or it might happen after. Either way I am glad that God is in control and that there is a special task, assignment, and plan that He has just for me! I can't wait!

Four. Seven. Eleven

Another fourth of July has come and gone. Can that be? Yes, it is so. I can't believe it is already gone. Last year on the fourth I went to church and then prodded my dad into going with me to see the fireworks. He got lost on the way which prompted him to snap at me. We almost missed them but were able to view them from a bridge with a bunch of other people. He remarked, " I wish we were closer!" I was in a bad attitude and mood at that point because I was wishing that I could go back home and leave him there and watch the fireworks myself. I thought to myself, "Next year I am not spending the fourth with you." Well that goes to show that sometimes we can plan but those plans don't always work out.

On Saturday afternoon, my mom and I left Charlotte for my cousin Jade's baby shower. We arrived at the event and watched as my cousin received the motherload of baby gifts for her new daughter, Jala. Jala has not arrived yet but we are thinking she will be here in a few weeks. After the shower we went to my cousin's sister's house and sat and talked and ate off the grill. It was an awesome day. Mom and I stayed at a hotel and then picked back up on our trip to New Jersey. Mom started off the drive and we switched over in Virginia right outside of DC. Traffic was practically non-existent. We had a great drive with no hurrying. We got to New Jersey shortly before midnight.

The next day due to a lack of sleep the night before mom and I were up early. Dad followed after and we headed over to New York. We ate brunch before going to Central Park to sit outside on the benches at the Great Lawn. It was hot but not humid. We just sat watching the people pass by and the dogs too. While we were sitting there watching I noticed a face that looked really familiar to me. I was hesitant to call out the name of who I thought it was but I didn't want to miss the opportunity if it was her. It turned out I was right. My friend, Sadaf, was passing by with two of her friends. I called out her name as she passed and she turned around. We went to high school together and hadn't seen each other since 2006 when I lived interned in Boston and she was finishing up school there. She gave me a big hug and introduced me to her friends. And to my surprise she also told me that she was expecting a baby as well. We decided to try and see each other later on this week. I still can't believe that out of all the hundreds of people there, there was one that I knew.

Later on we moved from the park and went downtown. On the way to Battery Park I noticed hundreds of people lining the Hudson but didn't realize that the places where they were, were most likely the best viewing spots for the fireworks. I thought that the fireworks were going to be further down by the Statue of Liberty. We found my dad's preferred parking garage and pulled our chairs and cushions out. We found a shaded spot in the park and were just deciding where to get something to eat when I stopped a park ranger to ask about the viewing. He informed us that the best places to see the fireworks were between 23rd and 56th street. We were down by the Battery which was blocks away from the ideal view. We were going to have to walk up to be able to see. My dad was not thrilled he did not think that we needed to walk any further. His response was, "The fireworks are gonna be in the sky aren't they?" I suggested that since we still had 4 and a half hours until they went off that we just walk a little bit and then sit. My mom was quick to point out that after the fireworks were over we would have to walk the whole way back in one sweep. Both of my parents and myself included are very inactive. We lead extremely sedintary lifestyles. And my parents are 25 years older than me. I can rally up the strength if needed but they just are not equipped to push their bodies like they once did. So we walked a little further up to the Esplande. We sat there for about an hour before deciding to get some burgers from a food cart. The burgers looked really good but mine was rare on the inside. In hind site I should have taken it back and gotten another one. After the burgers we continued walking, noticing that the crowd was becoming more and more dense as we moved along.

We ended up deciding to stop at Hudson River Park were there were tons of people already staked out in the grass and along a pathway that leads through the park. We set up our chairs and we waited. My mom didn't have a chair because I couldn't find hers at home. I was planning to sit on cushions so that she could use my chair but she didn't want to. I think she wanted my dad to give up his for her but he was not offering. We waited and waited and finally it got dark. There was just a glimpse of sunset in the sky and we knew that very shortly the fireworks would start. Right about this time my dad announced that he was going to go find a place to sit down and that he would meet us back at the car. Both of us were stunned because we had waited all that time to watch the fireworks together and now he was just up and leaving. Well after that my mother was no good for fireworks. We stood together and watched them but there was a tension there from the previous event. When the fireworks were over we headed back to the car and we ran into my dad on the way. My mother who usually had been behind or slower out paced both of us. She was upset. I don't know if we were walking faster or what but we seemed to make record time in getting back to the car. The day had been so good until the last hour or so. We made it back to the garage and took our turn in the rest rooms before heading to the car and getting ready for the long journey back. We didn't say anything to one another just complete silence except for the Mad Dog Show playing in the background. Then my dad switched to XM's Watercolors stations withe its horrible cool jazz. We made our way pretty quickly back to Woodbridge. My dad asked if I wanted to stop and get some food. I really didn't feel like stopping but I knew I had to if I wanted to eat something I actually liked for the next few days. We got out of the car and headed into the store. An older man was stopped in the middle of the cross walk and I could tell from seeing him pull up that he was not aware of our presence on the other side of his car. My dad told me to go twice but I was not moving until that car was gone. The second time my dad told me to go was only seconds before the man stepped on the gas and his car moved forward. If I had listened to my dad I probably would have been bumped by that car. Then we went in and my dad was trying to goof around which is what he does instead of apologizing or confronting his feelings. I think he knew he was in the wrong and had caused the tension but he was not going to say that he did. We started to go down the frozen food isle which was filled with boxes because the store was being stocked. I didn't push the cart down the isle because it was a tight squeeze. I left it at an open area in the isle to be able to come back to it with my frozen dinners. But dad was not content to leave well enough alone. The next thing I know there is a cart with my dad behind it racing for my heels so quickly that I have to jump over a stack of boxes to keep my heels from being rammed into. I couldn't believe that he did not perceive that he was about to crash into me. We picked up the rest of our goods and we headed to the register. I was standing behind him as we checked out. He wanted me to bag the groceries but he did not say that. Instead he said my name. I looked over from the National Inquirer I was purusing but didn't know what he wanted. Then he looked over at me and said to the woman checking us out, "We'll see if we can get princess to bag." Then he laughed hysterically. I was not amused at all. I went over to separate the bag on the bag holder but I was so angry my fingers kept slipping. We headed out to the car and put the groceries in and left. When we got back home I and my mother were so thankful. I was so glad that my parents would be leaving for vacation the next day and I would have four days to myself. My mom I know was happy to be able to escape for a few hours through sleep.

Last year I was still growing and learning the love walk. I had only been with my dad about 10 months and had been trying desperately to get a job in order to be on my own and away from him. Normally I would have flipped out at what happened in the car but I chose to let it go and respond the way the Lord would have me to. He hurt my feelings and ruined my fourth but I was not going to let him steal my peace. That was what I learned last year on the fourth. This year was a lesson in the same. This year when he left our fireworks watching spot and upset my mother and then almost killed me, broke my ankles and insulted me in front of a total stranger I just had to let it go. The things he does surprise me because of their unpredictability but the fact that he is unpredictable is not surprising to me anymore. I have learned that no matter what decision or lack of one that he makes I have to walk in love and forgiveness towards him. I can't expect the Lord to forgive me if I can't forgive others and it is usually the people closest to us that hurt us the most. He's my dad, for better or worse. If he was a friend or even a relative, I could select the time I spent with him and make it so I would not have to see or talk to him. But considering that he is one third of my nuclear family I have to remember not the former things because it would be very easy for me to remember all the things he's done that are wrong or aggravating and to destroy the relationship we do have which is very distant.

Coming to New Jersey and realizing that I wasn't going back to DC and was going to have to live with my dad was a Nineveh. Priscilla Shirer in her book, Life Interrupted, tells us about Nineveh as the last place that Jonah, the prophet ever wanted to be. Jonah didn't like the people and he didn't like the place. She says that each of us have a Nineveh of our own. And often what we see as life's interruptions are actually divine interventions. I suppose that is true of this situation as well. Before I moved here in October of 2009 I can honestly say I really knew very little about my dad. We were not that close when I was growing up and he was not around that much. We were a family but somewhat divided. My mom and I had a schedule of our own and my dad had his own schedule and every now and then the two might meet. I think it had a lot to do with the disconnection in his own home when he was growing up and so he didn't learn the right way to be a part of his own family and then couldn't be a part of ours in the right way either. When I went off to college and grad school we saw each other even less and talked very infrequently. It was really only when I moved here at the age of 27 that I learned about my dad's personality, dislikes, likes, and quirks. It was very difficult but I know him better. I wish he knew me better too but nonetheless this has all been for a reason. I am still not sure what that reason is but part of what I learned about my dad was that he was willing to have his life interrupted by my need for a place to stay and he has provided for me for almost two years seeking very little in return. That is a great part of his personality. He is very generous. Today as I started the second chapter of Priscilla's book the events of yesterday and the events of the past year came racing back to my mind and I began to realize that New Jersey in a lot of ways has been my Nineveh, living with my dad has been my Nineveh, trying to get a job on my own accord and ability has been a Nineveh, and trying to figure out the plan ahead of God revealing it to me has been my Nineveh. I have been in denial, I have begged, I have pleaded, I have tried to circumvent the going through but I have been kept in Ninevah. I know that eventually I will look back on this time and be able to see what God was doing all the time but I am not there yet. I still wonder if I will be staying in Charlotte or coming back to New Jersey. And whether or not I stay or go I wonder when I will be able to have a full time job and when I will be able to not live with either of my parents but to have my own home. I still have a lot of questions. And many of them I thought would be answered by now and they are not but I know that things are working together for my good. Even the difficulties I go through with my father I believe are for a purpose. I wonder what next fourth of July will be like. I hope it's better than the previous two or actually the previous four fouth of Julys. But life is what you make it. There will always be something as Alfred D'Souza's quote at the top of my blog reminds me, that will keep things from possibly going the exact way that you planned but you either accept it and make the best of it or you allow for it to derail you and set you back. The choice is up to you. And so it is only 364 days til seven four twelve.

Going Natural

This describes the hair journey that I have been on for the last couple of years. When I was growing up I had a relaxer because I did not know any better and my mom made it sound like it would be a good thing. What she meant was, "I can't do your hair on my own and we need to chemically process it to make it easier for me to deal with." I never questioned having relaxed hair except when my hair was cut and chopped because it had been damaged by the chemical process and dried out beyond the feel of straw. In those moments I wished I had another alternative but I didn't know what that alternative was. Fast forward to 2007. I wasn't able to get home to North Carolina regularly to get relaxers so I started blow drying my hair straight, putting Lottabody in it, and then taking a straightner to it to make it behave. This worked, so I thought at giving the believable thought that my hair was well maintained. But in hindsight I probably was just racking up heat damage. Most of the women that I knew in my grad school program had already gone natural long ago. They rocked dreads, teeny weeny fros, giant bouncy Angela Davis fros, and twists. I did not have the ability to comprehend going natural at this point in time although I did long for a way to maintain my hair myself. In the early summer of 2007 when I was graduating from grad school I wanted to get a relaxer so I would have "nice" hair for graduation. I hadn't had a relaxer in probably 6 months and so I had a ton of new growth. I went to a salon that looked reputable. The stylist began to apply the relaxer, it wasn't burning, I was happy. But then she remarked that it was not taking. The hair was not straightening like it should. She asked a colleague about what she should do. The colleague remarked that I must have resistant hair. "What is resistant hair," I thought to myself. Well it was resistant to that relaxer is what it was. I ended up with striaght ends and curly/wavy roots. And I left knowing that my hair was resisting this process which had never entered into my mind before, that it could resist. A few weeks later I moved to Alexandria, VA. I got my hair done at a salon that I thought would be a good fit for me. But it turned out once again that I got someone who did not know how to deal with my hair. The relaxer looked awful. My hair felt bad and I felt bad for it. I decided to not take too many chances on relaxers anymore.Then I moved to DC. The next professional hair care I got was from a woman who worked at a salon in the building where I was working at the time. She told me that she could do my hair and that it would look good. Not wanting to have the same experience as before I decided to get a wash and blow dry, no relaxer this time. She did an okay job but not without the help of half a can of hairspray to make my hair achieve the desired look. I thought well I don't think I want to go through another hair care experience again. But then I found Ashleigh. Ashleigh worked at a salon just around the corner from where I lived. The owner of the salon, Matthew, had done the hair of celebrities and had national recognition as a professional stylist. I invested the crazy money into getting the style that I wanted. I got a relaxer, a wash, a trim, and style and I was beaming. For the first time that year someone actually knew what they were doing when it came to my hair. It was getting cold that time of the year and I loved walking home that night feeling the wind swish through my hair. I followed up with visits to Ashleigh a couple more times. But then I lost my job in March of 2008 and I couldn't afford to see Ashleigh like I had before. In August of 2008 I began working at a different job and began working with a woman who became a really good friend of mine. While she and I would be working together we would talk about hair naturally. She used to have dredlocks but had cut her locks and was looking for a new style of going back to dredlocks. I was just tired of people not knowing what they were doing to my hair and having to shell out money for them to make me want to shave my hair completely off. We started noticing other black women that we would see and that they were going natural. We started to inquire about what products they used, how they styled their hair, and how they preserved their style at night. We wanted to know how they were able to self-maintain by washing and going while we were still at the mercy of a stylist for our hair care. So one week, I forget when I just decided I am going natural. No more relaxers, no more stylists, no more lumps of cash thrown down the drain, and no more worrying. So I went to a beauty supply store. I sought the advice of a girl there about what products to use and she helped me figure out what I needed. I bought Mizani shampoo and conditioner, Mizani moisturizing silkening liquid gel and QP elasta conditioning gel.When I got home I washed my hair. I used a leave-in conditioner from Avlon, and then I put my wet, nappy, kinky hair into a giant pony poof before slicking down the edges with QP elasta and applying the moisturizing silkening liquid gel to my poofed out ends in hopes of curls when it dried. Well the result was far from curls, I had shrunken, shriveled hints of curls when my hair dried. I put more and more gel on it and that only gave me matted down fro-wy looking pony poofs. But for the meantime I was growing out my hair and it felt healthy and was so soft from the daily moisture it received. I no longer neglected it as I had in the past years of my life. Then at Christmas I came home and my mother made me get a relaxer. Her reasoning was that as a professional woman (which I was not working a professional job at this point in time) I needed to maintain my hair and it needed to look presentable. My mom is from a different era, even though she grew up in the decade of Afros and bellbottoms she did not think that natural hair was okay for people who were trying to be taken seriously in the workplace. So all my months of growing out were cut short by my forced relaxer. After my hair was relaxed that time I made up my mind that that would be my last relaxer ever! My hair stayed straight for 3 months! RIDICULOUS! After it had a chance to grow out of its relaxed state I got a few blow outs from Ashleigh which seemed to do the trick. I also got a short Michelle Obama like bob cut from Ashleigh which helped in getting rid of a bunch of the relaxed ends. I continued to grow out for the rest of the year and around Christmas I only had about an inch of relaxed hair left! And that was without the Big Chop! So then in 2010 I began to focus on the fact that I wanted curly hair. I would look at my hair when I got out of the shower and it would be curly. I wondered to myself how I could achieve keeping my hair in that curly state after it dried.I moved to New Jersey. So I began to use Mizani True Textures products for naturally curly hair. But after several months discovered that my hair was too coarse for the True Textures line to tame it. But I really didn't know what to do. I was stopped by a lady at church who told me that I should get some Kinky Curly Curling Custard. I didn't have any money but I thought I would check it out. I looked up Kinky Curly online and was introduced for the first time to the world of natural curly hair products. I found lots of forums and You Tube videos on the process of trying to tame your kinks to curls. I was amazed! I had been out of the loop on this for a long time and here was this whole world of products, product reviews, and instructional videos. So I began to look for products that I thought would be the products that I could use to have the curly hair I wanted. But I still didn't have the money. Around Christmastime I noticed more multiethnic natural hair care products being sold in Target. One of them was a line called Miss Jessie's. I had never heard of it but I thought to myself, "I ain't paying no $32.00 for some hair cream!" And I just moved on from there wondering what I should do. I continued to use Mizani though it was not giving me the results that I wanted. Each week I would wash my hair once or twice a week struggle with it's kinks and knots before applying goo gobbs of curl cream to my pony poof that would in a matter of hours go from being curly to kinky and shrunken. I was flabbergasted. I was still searching for what to use. I began watching YouTube videos for how other black women did their hair and what they used. I noted that there were products that I should try but still did not have the ability to try them. At the beginning of 2011 I was still on the hunt. I began running out completely of the Mizani that I had but did not have the finances to invest in a new line of products. Then, Thank You Jesus, I was able to do some work for my mom and for a contracted project that put some money in my pocket. So I decided that I was going to use as much as I could to invest in some products and try to figure out my hair. I began by ordering some Miss Jessie's products. Once I learned that you can order sample sizes of their products online I was intrigued to know whether or not Miss Jessie's worked. So I ordered shampoo, conditioner,Unscented Curly Pudding,and Curly Buttercreme. I also picked up some Shea Moisture Curl Enhancing Smoothie. I put it all together and I noticed an instant difference in my hair. It felt better, smelt better, was more manageable and more curly at first but then shrunk. So then I tested it again and I got better results, close but not quite. Then I tested it again and saw glimpses of the hair that I was aiming for. I was getting curl but it was not lasting. I need to preserve the curl and keep the curls from shrinking. So I manipulated the curls as little as possible,increased application of Curl Enhancing Smoothie, I used more Curly Pudding for intense hold, and introduced Goddess Curls Gel by Curls for more hold. Finally after two years of being natural I was able to see the hair that I wanted in the mirror for the first time. I was just beaming. I couldn't stop smiling. This was me, this was my hair, and it's own texture and shape I was looking at. Granted it takes a village of products to whip it into shape, but what I saw was me. I was so excited about my hair. I couldn't stop looking at it, touching it and styling it. I gave myself a little bang and I even put on make up. I was so thilled and finally my mother who is my biggest fan but also my toughest critic told me my hair looked nice. That was huge because she has not spared my feelings one bit through this process. If my hair was not looking good she told me. But even she said that it looked better and looked healthier and she could see what I had been trying to get to over the past few years, months and weeks. YAY! I was so happy. So now that I have been able to get the curls I have to figure out how to keep them. My goal is to be able to have two and three day hair (not having to wash or rewet my hair to style it or regenerate the curls). But more importantly I have learned to embrace my hair in its natural state. No more relaxers, blow outs only when necessary, and hair that I am proud to say is all mine. It has been a long journey, this going natural, but I have learned a lot about myself and my hair and I feel like finally I am the me that I want to see in the mirror not what society or anyone else says that I should look like. I like it when my hair is stright and smooth and swishy. It looks good that way. But it also looks good and feels good when I have gotten it clean in the shower in my house, applied the necessary products, and look at the finished result and like the hair that I see. I have natural hair.

Products I Use:

Miss Jessie's Super Slip Sudsy Shampoo (will be switching to non-sulfate shampoo)
Miss Jessie's Creme de la Creme Conditioner
Palmer's Coconut Oil Formula Protein Pack(once a week deep treatment)
Shea Moisture Curl Enhancing Smoothie (leave-in conditioning)
Miss Jessie's Curly Pudding (styler)
Curls' Goddess Curls Gel (for hold)
Miss Jessie's Curly Buttercreme (nightime moisturizer)
Mizani True Textures Perfect Curl (2nd day curl reviver)
Shea Moisture Hold and Shine Moisture Mist (2nd day curl reviver)

Natural Curly Hair Care Sites of Interest:

YouTube: taren916 or www.twitter.com/taren916
www.afrobella.com
www.thirstyroots.com
www.missjessies.com
www.curls.biz
www.mixedchicks.net
www.sheamoisture.com
www.devachansalon.com