Another fourth of July has come and gone. Can that be? Yes, it is so. I can't believe it is already gone. Last year on the fourth I went to church and then prodded my dad into going with me to see the fireworks. He got lost on the way which prompted him to snap at me. We almost missed them but were able to view them from a bridge with a bunch of other people. He remarked, " I wish we were closer!" I was in a bad attitude and mood at that point because I was wishing that I could go back home and leave him there and watch the fireworks myself. I thought to myself, "Next year I am not spending the fourth with you." Well that goes to show that sometimes we can plan but those plans don't always work out.
On Saturday afternoon, my mom and I left Charlotte for my cousin Jade's baby shower. We arrived at the event and watched as my cousin received the motherload of baby gifts for her new daughter, Jala. Jala has not arrived yet but we are thinking she will be here in a few weeks. After the shower we went to my cousin's sister's house and sat and talked and ate off the grill. It was an awesome day. Mom and I stayed at a hotel and then picked back up on our trip to New Jersey. Mom started off the drive and we switched over in Virginia right outside of DC. Traffic was practically non-existent. We had a great drive with no hurrying. We got to New Jersey shortly before midnight.
The next day due to a lack of sleep the night before mom and I were up early. Dad followed after and we headed over to New York. We ate brunch before going to Central Park to sit outside on the benches at the Great Lawn. It was hot but not humid. We just sat watching the people pass by and the dogs too. While we were sitting there watching I noticed a face that looked really familiar to me. I was hesitant to call out the name of who I thought it was but I didn't want to miss the opportunity if it was her. It turned out I was right. My friend, Sadaf, was passing by with two of her friends. I called out her name as she passed and she turned around. We went to high school together and hadn't seen each other since 2006 when I lived interned in Boston and she was finishing up school there. She gave me a big hug and introduced me to her friends. And to my surprise she also told me that she was expecting a baby as well. We decided to try and see each other later on this week. I still can't believe that out of all the hundreds of people there, there was one that I knew.
Later on we moved from the park and went downtown. On the way to Battery Park I noticed hundreds of people lining the Hudson but didn't realize that the places where they were, were most likely the best viewing spots for the fireworks. I thought that the fireworks were going to be further down by the Statue of Liberty. We found my dad's preferred parking garage and pulled our chairs and cushions out. We found a shaded spot in the park and were just deciding where to get something to eat when I stopped a park ranger to ask about the viewing. He informed us that the best places to see the fireworks were between 23rd and 56th street. We were down by the Battery which was blocks away from the ideal view. We were going to have to walk up to be able to see. My dad was not thrilled he did not think that we needed to walk any further. His response was, "The fireworks are gonna be in the sky aren't they?" I suggested that since we still had 4 and a half hours until they went off that we just walk a little bit and then sit. My mom was quick to point out that after the fireworks were over we would have to walk the whole way back in one sweep. Both of my parents and myself included are very inactive. We lead extremely sedintary lifestyles. And my parents are 25 years older than me. I can rally up the strength if needed but they just are not equipped to push their bodies like they once did. So we walked a little further up to the Esplande. We sat there for about an hour before deciding to get some burgers from a food cart. The burgers looked really good but mine was rare on the inside. In hind site I should have taken it back and gotten another one. After the burgers we continued walking, noticing that the crowd was becoming more and more dense as we moved along.
We ended up deciding to stop at Hudson River Park were there were tons of people already staked out in the grass and along a pathway that leads through the park. We set up our chairs and we waited. My mom didn't have a chair because I couldn't find hers at home. I was planning to sit on cushions so that she could use my chair but she didn't want to. I think she wanted my dad to give up his for her but he was not offering. We waited and waited and finally it got dark. There was just a glimpse of sunset in the sky and we knew that very shortly the fireworks would start. Right about this time my dad announced that he was going to go find a place to sit down and that he would meet us back at the car. Both of us were stunned because we had waited all that time to watch the fireworks together and now he was just up and leaving. Well after that my mother was no good for fireworks. We stood together and watched them but there was a tension there from the previous event. When the fireworks were over we headed back to the car and we ran into my dad on the way. My mother who usually had been behind or slower out paced both of us. She was upset. I don't know if we were walking faster or what but we seemed to make record time in getting back to the car. The day had been so good until the last hour or so. We made it back to the garage and took our turn in the rest rooms before heading to the car and getting ready for the long journey back. We didn't say anything to one another just complete silence except for the Mad Dog Show playing in the background. Then my dad switched to XM's Watercolors stations withe its horrible cool jazz. We made our way pretty quickly back to Woodbridge. My dad asked if I wanted to stop and get some food. I really didn't feel like stopping but I knew I had to if I wanted to eat something I actually liked for the next few days. We got out of the car and headed into the store. An older man was stopped in the middle of the cross walk and I could tell from seeing him pull up that he was not aware of our presence on the other side of his car. My dad told me to go twice but I was not moving until that car was gone. The second time my dad told me to go was only seconds before the man stepped on the gas and his car moved forward. If I had listened to my dad I probably would have been bumped by that car. Then we went in and my dad was trying to goof around which is what he does instead of apologizing or confronting his feelings. I think he knew he was in the wrong and had caused the tension but he was not going to say that he did. We started to go down the frozen food isle which was filled with boxes because the store was being stocked. I didn't push the cart down the isle because it was a tight squeeze. I left it at an open area in the isle to be able to come back to it with my frozen dinners. But dad was not content to leave well enough alone. The next thing I know there is a cart with my dad behind it racing for my heels so quickly that I have to jump over a stack of boxes to keep my heels from being rammed into. I couldn't believe that he did not perceive that he was about to crash into me. We picked up the rest of our goods and we headed to the register. I was standing behind him as we checked out. He wanted me to bag the groceries but he did not say that. Instead he said my name. I looked over from the National Inquirer I was purusing but didn't know what he wanted. Then he looked over at me and said to the woman checking us out, "We'll see if we can get princess to bag." Then he laughed hysterically. I was not amused at all. I went over to separate the bag on the bag holder but I was so angry my fingers kept slipping. We headed out to the car and put the groceries in and left. When we got back home I and my mother were so thankful. I was so glad that my parents would be leaving for vacation the next day and I would have four days to myself. My mom I know was happy to be able to escape for a few hours through sleep.
Last year I was still growing and learning the love walk. I had only been with my dad about 10 months and had been trying desperately to get a job in order to be on my own and away from him. Normally I would have flipped out at what happened in the car but I chose to let it go and respond the way the Lord would have me to. He hurt my feelings and ruined my fourth but I was not going to let him steal my peace. That was what I learned last year on the fourth. This year was a lesson in the same. This year when he left our fireworks watching spot and upset my mother and then almost killed me, broke my ankles and insulted me in front of a total stranger I just had to let it go. The things he does surprise me because of their unpredictability but the fact that he is unpredictable is not surprising to me anymore. I have learned that no matter what decision or lack of one that he makes I have to walk in love and forgiveness towards him. I can't expect the Lord to forgive me if I can't forgive others and it is usually the people closest to us that hurt us the most. He's my dad, for better or worse. If he was a friend or even a relative, I could select the time I spent with him and make it so I would not have to see or talk to him. But considering that he is one third of my nuclear family I have to remember not the former things because it would be very easy for me to remember all the things he's done that are wrong or aggravating and to destroy the relationship we do have which is very distant.
Coming to New Jersey and realizing that I wasn't going back to DC and was going to have to live with my dad was a Nineveh. Priscilla Shirer in her book, Life Interrupted, tells us about Nineveh as the last place that Jonah, the prophet ever wanted to be. Jonah didn't like the people and he didn't like the place. She says that each of us have a Nineveh of our own. And often what we see as life's interruptions are actually divine interventions. I suppose that is true of this situation as well. Before I moved here in October of 2009 I can honestly say I really knew very little about my dad. We were not that close when I was growing up and he was not around that much. We were a family but somewhat divided. My mom and I had a schedule of our own and my dad had his own schedule and every now and then the two might meet. I think it had a lot to do with the disconnection in his own home when he was growing up and so he didn't learn the right way to be a part of his own family and then couldn't be a part of ours in the right way either. When I went off to college and grad school we saw each other even less and talked very infrequently. It was really only when I moved here at the age of 27 that I learned about my dad's personality, dislikes, likes, and quirks. It was very difficult but I know him better. I wish he knew me better too but nonetheless this has all been for a reason. I am still not sure what that reason is but part of what I learned about my dad was that he was willing to have his life interrupted by my need for a place to stay and he has provided for me for almost two years seeking very little in return. That is a great part of his personality. He is very generous. Today as I started the second chapter of Priscilla's book the events of yesterday and the events of the past year came racing back to my mind and I began to realize that New Jersey in a lot of ways has been my Nineveh, living with my dad has been my Nineveh, trying to get a job on my own accord and ability has been a Nineveh, and trying to figure out the plan ahead of God revealing it to me has been my Nineveh. I have been in denial, I have begged, I have pleaded, I have tried to circumvent the going through but I have been kept in Ninevah. I know that eventually I will look back on this time and be able to see what God was doing all the time but I am not there yet. I still wonder if I will be staying in Charlotte or coming back to New Jersey. And whether or not I stay or go I wonder when I will be able to have a full time job and when I will be able to not live with either of my parents but to have my own home. I still have a lot of questions. And many of them I thought would be answered by now and they are not but I know that things are working together for my good. Even the difficulties I go through with my father I believe are for a purpose. I wonder what next fourth of July will be like. I hope it's better than the previous two or actually the previous four fouth of Julys. But life is what you make it. There will always be something as Alfred D'Souza's quote at the top of my blog reminds me, that will keep things from possibly going the exact way that you planned but you either accept it and make the best of it or you allow for it to derail you and set you back. The choice is up to you. And so it is only 364 days til seven four twelve.
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