Hello Blog! You have probably forgotten me or thought I had forgotten you but to tell the truth I have just been overwhelmed and busy. The last month has gone by incredibly fast. The hours, days and weeks have just been flying by. But I have had a really good month. I can't really remember my last post (will have to check on that) but I think I was liking what I was doing but still not completely satisfied. Well the last month found me finding a new niche in substitute teaching. I previously had worked with K through 5 and preferred K through 2 if possible because I was experiencing a lot of difficulty with the older kids and trying to manage their behaviour. But then I was assigned to work with Preschool. I was a little apprehensive about it at first but then grew to love working with 4 year olds. 4 year olds are awesome! Even though I come home exhausted it is much less taxing than dealing with the older grades and it is so rewarding working with them because they are so ready and wanting to learn. I have just really enjoyed being with them over the last month. It even has me thinking about whether or not I would like to be a PreK assistant teacher for next year. I have been having difficulty finding a full time job and I have not been able to find any museum jobs either so it might be good to take something that I know I could do. I don't think I would want to do it for the rest of my life but I can say that I don't dislike it. However, the pay is next to nothing and there is a two and half month gap in employment because of being out in the summer. It's not exactly what I have been holding out for the last 4 years but I was thinking that it might help me to get into a better place financially to get to where I want to be. I need to pay off some debts and I need to get a car (actually a used Jeep Cherokee) and also build up a savings. Also I would have benefits too which would be really nice since I have not had those since 2009. So there are perks to it that I don't have now as a sub that would be really great to have. But just this afternoon I was thinking about how in a way I feel guilty for being like, "Being a PreK assistant is not enough and I should just be thankful if I get the job." And on the other hand I feel like, "Being a PreK assistant is not what I want to do and it doesn't help me to have enough money to do anything that I really need or want to do." It's perplexing! I wouldn't mind being a PreK assistant and I love the school where I could potentially work but I do long for something more. I really want to live on my own and have my own life. I don't know that I could do that on an assistant's salary. I would definitely have to have another job. If I decided at some point to be a teacher I would have to go back to school which would probably be stressful but I suppose that I could do it. And then there's the question of whether I should give up my museum job dream. It's what I have wanted to do for so long and I don't know that if I gave up on it now if it might have been fulfilled right around the corner or if I need to go ahead and give it up and just move forward to something else. I feel conflicted about doing either.
But the good thing is that summer is coming. There are less than 10 days of the school year left and I will once again have the time to explore my options. I know that if a full time position does not come through for me over the summer that I can always go back to being a sub. Also I will have time to look for and apply for full time jobs once school is over. And if necessary I hopefully can find a good part time job that can supplement my substitute job once school is back in session. It sounds completely doable and logical, doesn't it? But I can't help but feel like I want more than this. It sounds good and respectable and like I am "doing something" about all this mess that I have found myself in but the truth is that I want so much more. I want to live in an exciting place, I want community and friendship, and I want to feel connected. I love the school that I work at and I love the people there because they are the reason that the school is such a great place to be but I still feel like an outsider there. I also am still not thrilled with Charlotte. Even though I am from here I just don't feel connected or comfortable being here. I think a lot of that does have to do with the fact that I don't have my own car and I don't have a lot of friends here. If I could get out more often and do things more independently I might feel different and if I could do that I might make some good friends and that would make it feel different too. But Charlotte is really not the kind of place that I have imagined myself being in. I like taking the metro/subway, I like walking where I need to go, and I like diversity. Charlotte is doing better on diversity but it doesn't compare in any of these areas to a DC or NYC. You have to drive everywhere to do things, then there isn't really a whole lot to do unless you have the money to participate in going to the opera or traveling companies of broadway shows. And Charlotte, to me, does not have a lot of mid-range activities. It's kind of like family oriented, cost effective fun on one end and then high brow, expensive activities on the other. I guess that there are subsets of Charlotte that I might find enjoyable but I don't know where those are. I guess you can create your own fun wherever you are. There's a neighborhood I have loved here for a longtime called Dilworth and if I ended up staying in Charlotte long term that is where I would like to live. It has great WW II era bungalow houses, sidewalk dining, and it's tree-lined and clean. I really like that neighborhood alot. It's hard to imagine being able to live there on an assistant's salary or even a teacher's salary. And of course I don't want to be living with my mother for the rest of my life. I just wish I could see where I will be down the road. What twists and turns in life will lead me to where I want and need to be? I really want stability. I want to know where I belong. I want to know what my purpose for being in this world is. I want to begin to fulfill that purpose. I want independence. I want a life and I want to live.
But the good thing is that summer is coming. There are less than 10 days of the school year left and I will once again have the time to explore my options. I know that if a full time position does not come through for me over the summer that I can always go back to being a sub. Also I will have time to look for and apply for full time jobs once school is over. And if necessary I hopefully can find a good part time job that can supplement my substitute job once school is back in session. It sounds completely doable and logical, doesn't it? But I can't help but feel like I want more than this. It sounds good and respectable and like I am "doing something" about all this mess that I have found myself in but the truth is that I want so much more. I want to live in an exciting place, I want community and friendship, and I want to feel connected. I love the school that I work at and I love the people there because they are the reason that the school is such a great place to be but I still feel like an outsider there. I also am still not thrilled with Charlotte. Even though I am from here I just don't feel connected or comfortable being here. I think a lot of that does have to do with the fact that I don't have my own car and I don't have a lot of friends here. If I could get out more often and do things more independently I might feel different and if I could do that I might make some good friends and that would make it feel different too. But Charlotte is really not the kind of place that I have imagined myself being in. I like taking the metro/subway, I like walking where I need to go, and I like diversity. Charlotte is doing better on diversity but it doesn't compare in any of these areas to a DC or NYC. You have to drive everywhere to do things, then there isn't really a whole lot to do unless you have the money to participate in going to the opera or traveling companies of broadway shows. And Charlotte, to me, does not have a lot of mid-range activities. It's kind of like family oriented, cost effective fun on one end and then high brow, expensive activities on the other. I guess that there are subsets of Charlotte that I might find enjoyable but I don't know where those are. I guess you can create your own fun wherever you are. There's a neighborhood I have loved here for a longtime called Dilworth and if I ended up staying in Charlotte long term that is where I would like to live. It has great WW II era bungalow houses, sidewalk dining, and it's tree-lined and clean. I really like that neighborhood alot. It's hard to imagine being able to live there on an assistant's salary or even a teacher's salary. And of course I don't want to be living with my mother for the rest of my life. I just wish I could see where I will be down the road. What twists and turns in life will lead me to where I want and need to be? I really want stability. I want to know where I belong. I want to know what my purpose for being in this world is. I want to begin to fulfill that purpose. I want independence. I want a life and I want to live.
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