There seems to be a lot of revolving in my life. I started this tutoring position that I had in November and thought that it was supposed to last until March, only to find out that they sometimes only contract for short amounts of time. Needless to say my tutoring gig is up in two weeks. At the very beginning I was extremely panicked about working with young children and thought that every worse case scenario that played before my eyes on a nightly basis would come true. I did have a few children who were a handful and there were moments when I was just ready to leave it all behind but I have had the chance to work with some of the sweetest children I have ever met. I am going to miss them immensely and it is very hard to think of having to say good-bye. They are such a bright spot to my day. I have two boys that I have worked with from the very beginning and they are so special to me. In the beginning they were a little hesitant and so was I because I didn't know what I was doing either. But over time we have bonded and I enjoy hearing stories about birthday parties they went to or what they learned about Martin Luther King, Jr. in school that day. They are just adorable as well and those little faces just tug on my heart strings. But the end of tutoring is not just the end of my weekly time spent with my tutees but another stopping point after which I don't know what I am going to do. I hate this constant stopping and starting in my life. I want and crave stability and permanence. What happened to the days of getting a job and staying there 50 years until they gave you the gold watch? I totally have always had that kind of vision for my work life. I would be one of those company people that just stayed where I worked forever and just kind of become a part of the scenery. Maybe I was influenced too much by shows from the 60s and 70s where characters did that. But I find myself asking that ever present question, "What's next?" It is so difficult to have to keep going through this all the time. Even though I have have known from the beginning that this was a temporary job in the sense that it would only last a few months, I was really counting on that cushion of the extra month that we were supposed to have. Finding out that it's ending earlier than they said it would or I had planned just throws a monkey wrench into my semi-stable state. But I am trying to be glass half full about this even though it probably doesn't sound like I am. I am trying to tell myself that maybe this is a good thing. That maybe there is a breakthrough for me right around the corner and I might finally get to the point of knowing exactly what I am supposed to be doing with my life. But then again maybe not. Maybe it will be another time of waiting trying to figure out what I can do with a history degree and a master's that over qualifies me for most of the jobs that I find available that I could do. It's frustrating because it has been an ongoing two year situation. Fortunately, I do have the ability to substitute teach, which I am not super excited about but does provide me with the opportunity to make some money and possibly learn skills (crowd control) that I have not previously been accustomed to. But even that will end in June. Is it too much to ask to know what I am supposed to do and how to get there? I don't think so but it is so frustrating trying to figure it out. And I feel like part of it is that I am not supposed to figure it out on my own. I almost feel like I am on the Price is Right and God is the host and He keeps asking us to guess the costs of things and I keep getting it wrong. But eventually I will guess right and play to win and then there will be a door with a big revelation behind it that makes up for all those bad guesses. I'm sure that sounds stupid but that is the only thing that I can liken it to at this moment. But I am really hopeful that the end of my tutoring is the beginning of something better. I am so bored by what has become my life. I feel like an extra on the movie set of my own life, everyone else is the leading lady or man and I am "lady on sidewalk." I just want this part of my life to be over so much.
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