8 months and 13 days

That is how long it will be until I am 30! I look at my life and I think, "Man, I need a miracle!" I am totally not where I thought I would be on the verge of 30. I thought I would have been working in a museum for going on 4 years. I thought I might be working towards a doctorate by now or at least have gotten my certification in Museum Studies. I thought I might have a two bedroom apartment by now. I thought I would still be in DC. I thought I would have been to Santorini by now. And many other less superficial things also. The gist of it is I thought that life at 29 almost 30 would have been going much better than it is at the present moment. This week was rough. I have been on and off in terms of feelings this past week but the last two days for sure where difficult. I am still in Charlotte and still waiting to see if there will be a shift in my life from NJ to Charlotte or whether I will get my wish which is to leave both and move to NYC and have a fabulous job (fingers crossed). This week was tough because several days this week I had to run errands for my mom and I had to do chores around the house. While doing these things I was thinking what happened in my life that I am running errands in the middle of the day or doing my mom's laundry. I'm supposed to be in meetings about exhibitions, researching fabulous concepts for cultural institutions, or doing something else more stimulating than laundry and grocery shopping. That made me sad. I just couldn't shake it. Then on Wednesday we went to church and Pastor Gool was preaching about how everyone is unique and God has a plan for every body's life. God is not happy when we're broke and when we're unhappy and sad. That was nice to hear but I was still just down in the dumps because nothing in my life reflects anything that points to what he was talking about. I think that I was subconsciously thinking about my recent rejection from the museum that I wanted to work at. I think I was upset about it but I had put on a happy face about it because that's what you're supposed to do. When you're sad and disappointed everyone tells you to be happy, cheer up, don't worry about it, and something better will come along. But that is because they have jobs and they don't live with their parents.I think primarily I was feeling so down this week because I just felt useless. The things I was assigned to do were because I wasn't doing anything else, because I had the time, because I could do them. That in itself is depressing because I don't have anything to do. I look for jobs but that isn't something that anyone besides me is depending on. I do my quiet time but again the beneficiary is me not anyone else. So then that started me to thinking that there is nothing that anyone depends on me for. There is nothing that anyone needs or requires from me. There is nothing that someone thinks, "Oh, I must talk to her about that because she will/can help me with that." Nope not one person. That is a horrible feeling. So if I wasn't feeling useless before thinking those things I was certainly feeling them after. But I know that Pastor Gool is right. God made me for something good. I wouldn't be here if He didn't intend for me to do something. But what is that something that I was put here for. I use to think that it was museum work now I can say that I am only slightly sure that that is what I am supposed to do. I can say that there is nothing else that I believe that I can do other than museum work. Museum work fits my skills and abilities. I would be terrible doing anything else. Okay so I am supposed to be doing museums. But all the museum jobs that I have applied for in the last 3 years have been slammed doors. What does that mean? Aside from the recession, what does that mean? Either I am too qualified or under qualified. If I am under qualified then how am I ever to qualify if I can't get one decent job to gain experience at doing something? These thoughts are what propelled me to thinking about how time is quickly ticking away and I am going to wake up in 8 months and 13 days and I am going to be in a new decade of my life. I really do not want to leave my twenties and enter my thirties living with either of my parents. I love them but it is time for my life and their lives to be separate from each other. I don't want to be broke on my birthday. I don't want for my celebratory piece of Lindy's cheesecake to cost me half my net worth! And I definitely do not want to be jobless as I enter my thirties. I feel that unemployment is a huge failure. I think that partly that is my own thinking and it is partly what society tells us to think. We live in a society where so much of who we are comes from what it is we do. People ask you all the time, "What do you do?" And if you say, "I'm unemployed. I'm looking for a job," they give you the obligatory head tilt and sympathetic, "I'm sorry." But I think what they really think is, "I'm glad it's not me." Who are you if you don't have anything to do? I know that individuals are more than what they do, I am more than what I do. But do people in this day and age really see that or understand that? I don't think so. So all this has me thinking, I really want and need my life to change in the next 8 months. I don't want to be plagued by the problems of the last three years into the next decade of my life. I really am praying for, hoping for, and believing for there to be a divine intervention in my life because I don't want to be here anymore. I want out! However, there is some hope for 30. In the Bible Joseph was released from prison, got married and had children by the age of 30 after getting out at 27, David became king at 30 and Jesus started his earthly ministry at the age of 30. 30 is not so bad and for these Biblical heroes 30 was the new beginning to the lives they were called for. So I will hope for that. I will hope that 30 will be the beginning of the life that I was called for rather than a continuation or time for panic about the life that I have been living. Everything will be alright! I really believe that it will. I think that for me it gets hard to shoulder all of this sometimes especially since I mostly keep it bottled up inside. Everyone in my life is too busy with work or other things for me to be able to talk to anyone about these things so they do get backed up and then just come pouring out in this geyser of emotions. I will be fine. Things will work out. And I expect for thirty to be the start of good things. I have skills and abilities that no one else has and I was put here on the earth to do with them something that no one else can do in the way that I can. So I find comfort and solace in that.