My Place in This World

This blog was going to be called, "Anywhere But Here." However, as I thought about that title that is not what my true feelings are. I don't wish that I was anywhere but here I wish I was where I am supposed to be. I still can't say that I know where that is yet. I feel as if I have been searching for my place in this world all of my life (insert Michael W. Smith song here). I have had the opportunity to be a part of some great groups of people but sooner or later those groups dissolved or I was no longer a part of the groups. Then it was on to the next thing. And I would think that I had once again found my group, the place where I belonged, the people that I thought I would develop close, life long relationships with and so on. But time after time that didn't happen it lasted for a while and then it was over. My heart's desire is for stability, community, relationship, fellowship, communion, and connection. I feel like those things are the number one things missing from all of the places that I have lived. And I am still searching for it when it seems that so many people have found it. I know that when I transitioned to New Jersey that I was thinking that it would only be a couple of months and then I would be back in D.C. but that was not to be. I left D.C. and for the most part with a few exceptions do not have any connections to the city where I lived for almost 3 years. Now I have been in New Jersey almost 2 years and I can't say that it is the place where I know that I belong. I know that I am supposed to be there for now but will I be there forever? I would like to be and my true hope is that some day I'll make the move over to NYC. But I don't know if that is the place for me either. A lot of things started me thinking about this idea of place and where I belong. I won't share the initial reasons but one of them was the fact that I have expanded my job search outside of New Jersey and New York just in case I was limiting myself from opportunities that might be out there that would be good for me. I am, of course, trusting the Lord to lead me and guide me to where I am supposed to be but I really desire and want to know where that is. I really want all of those things that I listed above and I have wanted them for a long time. It hasn't been recently that I have thought about how much I desire to be a part of and belong to a community or circle of friends. I have had the pleasure of observing it many times and being on the cusp of it but not actually fully enjoying it on my own, but I would love to. I thought that it would happen in college, then I thought it would happen in graduate school, then I thought it would happen in D.C. and I am still waiting to find out if it will happen in New Jersey.

But I began to think about it today because I applied for a job in Boston. I love Boston. I lived there for about 3 months one summer in graduate school. I didn't have a lot of money so I didn't get to explore it as much as I wanted to but I made some really good friends there who were extremely nice to take care of me and look out for me. And as I was applying for the job I began to get excited about the prospect of Boston. Maybe it will be the place for me but maybe not. Nonetheless I am so ready to get to the place where I belong and the people that I belong with. And I think or rather know that the Lord knows this. Part of the prophecy I received last year was that I would have the stability that I crave. And that came from the Lord I don't remember praying or asking for stability or using those words but He knew exactly what I was feeling. And that is what I want. I want stability in my life. I want to move to the place where I am going to spend the rest of my life I don't want to live like a gypsy moving from place to place, sleeping on people's couches or being a guest in my parents' homes. I want my own home and my own bed and my own community. I desire it so much and want it so much at times I just can't stand it. But I know I have to be patient. I know it will happen and I know that I will be more than satisfied when it does. I just want to be there now! Uggh! But wherever I am going I feel the Lord is preparing me for it and I want to go to that place prepared not unprepared or caught off guard so I have to be patient with the process and know that it will happen on the Lord's timing and not mine.

The Lord keeps letting me know that He is near as well. Today I was reading a Bible study in my quiet time and one of the passages that was read tonight at Wednesday night service was that same verse. I love it when that happens. I feel like it is just confirmation for me that I am on the right track and that the word that I am reading isn't just words on a page but that there is something that I need to gain and learn from it. So I know that things are working out and I know that everything is going to be alright as Kenneth Copeland said last week and I know that God will work things out for my good and that I will get to my place in this world.