It is amazing how your emotions can run hot and cold especially when you are going through something. I have my good days and bad days like anyone else and I think right now they are magnified because I am going through a major life change and challenge. This was extremely evident on today.
I know that people mean well when they try to give you advice but sometimes it's a kick in the crotch or I guess gut is a better analogy for me. This afternoon my father was probing into my situation, meaning my joblessness, to see what I was doing about it. Mind you he was watching TV at the time and we had had this conversation at least three times in the last week but I was willing to recount my efforts once more. Then he mentioned that today he was riding by the Post Office and thought about me because sometimes the Post Office hires part-time workers. Then he informed me that it would be good just to have some kind of job to be able to combat having an empty bank account. Thanks for the heads up!
After this conversation I got the feeling that I always get when I am about to burst into tears. I can feel every nerve in my fingers and the tears start to come. I know the situation looks extremely bad and that I probably could be doing more to handle it but sometimes I feel like I get no credit whatsoever and that's what hurts the most. After my little H.A.T.E.U. (Having a Temporary Emotional Upset (Hi Mimi)), I decided to get my feelings out to God and after that dazzling entry in my prayer journal I felt much better. I decided that I just need to shake off the comments and keep pushing forward (much easier said than done) and focus on filling out the NPS Park Ranger position that I need to turn in.
Later on I got a call from my grandmother who just returned from a church conference. She was excited about having come back from her conference and was eager to relay all the details. Unfortunately I could not put faces with the names she was calling out but it sounds like she was able to enjoy herself and she had been most worried about getting a room which my parents were able to surprise her with for her birthday. So I was happy for her. She of course wanted to know if I had found a job yet. And my answer is what it has been for the last two years, No. Then she said that she knew I would find something. I guess she could sense the "yeah right" manner in which I was agreeing with her which was probably brought on from the earlier incident in the day. She said she really meant what she was saying and that she really believed that I would find a job. This is actually a great change because when I used to get excited about jobs her response was, "Well if this doesn't work out, you'll get something else." So I felt pretty much counted out before I was even in the ring. But here lately she has a more positive spin. After my less than enthusiastic response she said "Now listen, you're my little ray of sunshine and I don't want you to get depressed." What a lift of spirits. She said she knew it was hard for me but truthfully it could be worse and that is true. And then she echoed the words that everyone seems to be uttering to me, "You just have to wait." Uhhh.
Wait has become my least favorite word in the English language. Even though by comparison to a life span or even just a span of time two years is not long but if you are scratching, clawing, crying, and praying your way through two years that's a long time no matter what anyone says. And people seem to think saying this word will dispel all fears and anxieties for me it intensifies them. I've been waiting for a very long time and all the while hoping that with each resume and job offer that this will finally be the turn in the tide. However, for reasons not clear to me that has not happened yet. And I think I have done a pretty good job of coaxing myself into wait mode without the help of the free world. This is probably an overreaction which is quite normal for me but it is extremely aggravating when you feel like people are saying how you feel doesn't count or that you don't have the intelligence to figure some rudimentary things out for yourself. One thing I have noticed during this process is how much people cut me off when I'm talking and then bully me into accepting their opinion. You can always tell when they do this because they interrupt you and usually get extremely loud if not yelling and this is followed by silence. Most of the time when my conversations get to this point I just let it go which I am starting to realize may be interpreted as acceptance it is merely that I wish to end this conversation and get off of the phone with or away from whomever I am talking to.
It's so funny that in two career books that I have read and in several spiritual self-help books that I have the authors have pointed out how your family and your friends can sometimes become your biggest detractors. They sincerely want to help but sometimes they try to transfer their feelings onto you. They see how you are struggling and they just want you to be in a place that isn't that. So they try to talk you out of your dreams, tell you you have plenty of time to do what it is you want to do in the future, and shove anything that they think you can do into your hands or your email inbox (last week I got two emails for being an unpaid intern for college credit at Kaplan from one of my family members (please check the requirements)). But deep down all they are trying to do is help you out.
If there is anything that I have learned from this job hunting/joblessness portion of my life it is that life is too short to settle for a sub par version of your life. You should look at every opportunity and seriously ask yourself if you don't take that chance will you regret it forever. I think regrets can often be harder to live with than mistakes because at least you tried. And also when friends and family are talking your ear off, confusing your mind, and trying to push their wants on you, take it with a grain of salt the decision is ultimately up to you.
"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." - Oscar Wilde
"Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts."
-Winston Churchill
"You never fail until you stop trying." - Albert Einstein
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