As I come to nearing the end of this summer and this year I am struck by how differently things have turned out. At the beginning of the year I was really excited because I really believed (just like in 2009 and 2010) that this was going to be MY year. I really believed and hoped that I would achieve some things that I had been really wanting and working for over the last two years. I never thought that I would be leaving New Jersey, especially since I was getting settled in there and starting to grow really comfortable with life there. I never intended that when I came to North Carolina that it would be for so long. I got here the last few days in March and thought I would be back by May or mid June but I never planned to be heading into the fall from Charlotte. There have been positives to being in Charlotte but it was not what I had planned. I saw this year ending very differently, which it still could. I thought and hoped that this year would end with me moving out on my own after getting a full time great paying job in NJ or NY. That was really my vision. And the jobs have been there. There have been some great jobs that have become available this year but when I applied I didn't get the call back for an interview or I got the sorry-we-picked-someone else-better luck with your job search in the future email. Not exactly what I was hoping for. It's just funny how you can envision and even take steps toward trying to do something and those plans just fall through. It has me wondering what is it that God is trying to tell me or show me or take me to. I feel like saying, "Hey it's supposed to work out this way not that way. Don't you know that I would have been perfect for this job and didn't you see the salary, Lord? That would have helped me big time to get back on my feet and pay my bills. You want me to pay my bills, don't you Lord?" But all of this questioning, whether I have verbalized it to Jesus or not, doesn't make any difference. This year and last year especially have taught me that my life is not my own. We sing those words in a song at church. But when I am singing that song I wonder how many people actually live the words: my life is not my own to Him I belong. I give myself away? The way that living those words feels is like you're a board game piece and at any moment there is a shuffle of the dice and you are off to a square that's several squares away from the square you were just getting use to. It's a little unsettling. And it seems so chaotic. And for me especially it has not at times been a welcome experience because I like to have a plan and have an order to things. I like to know that if I do A and B I get C. I'm a melancholy personality order and logic is the way we operate. And I know that God knows that all these twists and turns and unaccounted for surprises are just driving me batty. I know He knows this. But what does He say? He says to trust Him, not to lean to my own understanding, to leave things alone and He will take care of them. That's hard. That is beyond hard. Right now I have a part time job that provides me enough to be able to get toiletries. This fall I'll be a part time tutor which will probably allow me enough to get toiletries and get gas to fill up the Green Monster. I need way more than what I have at the moment and those needs increase more each day as things fall apart and need repairing or replacing and then there are things that I have needed but because there were more important things to do they got put on the back burner. It's not fun to struggle and to suffer. It's not fun to always be in need and in want. And I know that stuff and goods are not that important in comparison to health, clothing, food, and shelter. Don't get me wrong I am not complaining but life is a little easier when there is not always a need. Even though I know that God has my best interest at heart and I know that He cares for and about me, I do wonder sometimes if He sees me, if He sees me struggling to come up with a dollar in change to mail a resume or get something I need. I know He does and I wonder why I don't have the resources to do those things a bit easier. Why does it have to be so hard sometimes? Any one of the jobs that I applied for this year and last year would have given me more than enough to have my needs met. I don't get it but I know that in spite of it not going the way I had hoped or planned I just have to keep moving forward and whether it's MY time this year or next year or five years from now I can't give up. Tonight my mom said to me, "Work is work. A job's a job." Even after all I have been through in the war of work (Hi, Dwight Shrute) I still feel like that is not true for me. I feel like I have a purpose and a goal for my life and I want to accomplish it. I don't want to grow weary and tired and just settle for whatever I can get. Also I feel like if I have to work for the remainder of my time on this earth, which I probably will have to do since there will be no Social Security when I get to retirement age, I want to do something that I enjoy doing. I have known the feeling of having to pry yourself out of bed and count down the hours until you have to go to a job you hate. I don't like that feeling. And I know that probably thousands of people wake up feeling that way. But I don't want to be one of them, again. I want to be someone who is excited to go to their job because that job is doing what they are called to do and achieve. I still believe that it is out there and that the Lord will lead me to it. I have to be patient and wait on Him to direct me at the set appointed time but I believe it is there. And I am not above having a job for the sake of having a job either. I applied to every chain store and business within a 10 mile radius in NJ and still didn't get employed. I tried leaving out grad school and college and that didn't help either. But I am still waiting for that perfect job. I know what I think that job would be but I am interested in learning what God knows that job is.
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