I have written before about whether to go back to New Jersey or stay in North Carolina. I have not really wanted to stay in North Carolina and was not initially looking forward to coming here back in the spring. But I have actually really enjoyed my time here and I wonder if this is where I should have been all along but missed hearing the Lord tell me so or missed the signs pointing me in this direction. About two weeks ago I was forced into making a decision to either go back or stay. Because I was under pressure and hadn't really thought about it I said that I was going back to New Jersey. It wasn't an easy decision and honestly it was based on the fact that I really LOVE my church in New Jersey and that is what I long to go back to. The life I led in New Jersey I was not crazy about and Charlotte actually is better in that regard. I think I was also hesitant to give up on New Jersey because to me it seems as though I would be giving up once and for all on my dream to move to New York. I felt that I had been close to achieving that dream and when I seemed to get close the door would close. I don't really know why but there seemed to be road blocks all around when it came to trying to get established in New Jersey with the exception of my wonderful church there. I don't have any guarantee that things would be better in Charlotte. I have applied for jobs here too and have not gotten any responses back. But Charlotte is more comfortable in that I wouldn't be sharing a one bedroom apartment with my dad and sleeping on the sectional sofa in the living room. Has the answer been there before me all the time and I just missed it. I thought to myself, "If I just stick it out in these uncomfortable circumstances in New Jersey and show the Lord that I won't give up no matter how difficult it gets then surely things will turn around for me." I thought that if I was suffering that would help me to get the breakthrough that I was looking for but that didn't happen.
Instead I moved to Charlotte for what was to be a temorary re-location for a couple of months. Those couple of months have turned into 4 months. And I can't say that I hate having my own bed, room, and bathroom. And I get to go to the grocery store to pick out food that I like to eat rather than having it picked out for me. So there are some major pluses to staying in Charlotte for the present time. But I don't want to make the wrong decision. I don't want to run back to New Jersey because it would enable me to just sit and be for another year. Whereas in Charlotte, thanks to my mother, there is more added pressure to get up and get going. I think the reason I have avoided the thought of coming back to Charlotte for so long is because I feel like here I will just fade into oblivion. I feel like my life won't have as much meaning living in a sleepy southern city like Charlotte. There are things happening in Charlotte and I don't mean to make it sound bad because it really isn't. But compared to DC, Philly or NYC, Charlotte does not compare. And I guess I am being short sighted by not realizing that moving to Charlotte would more than likely be temporary. Unless the Lord told me that I was to stay here for the rest of my life I don't see that there would be any reason to believe that an opportunity to move elsewhere might present itself in the future. I think I am getting so worked up about this because I have been put on a timeline. I have been told that within the next month I have to make a decision and let my parents know what I want to do. I wish I knew. Honestly what I want most of all is to have my own home to move to and to not have to live with either of them and to have my own life apart from either of them as well. I crave and desire independence and what 29 year old in my position wouldn't feel the same way. But without a miracle it is impossible that it would happen within the next month or by the end of this year. It is very hard trying to be patient when you are surrounded my impatient people. I keep having to field questions that I do not have the answers to and have been seeking answers to for the last year and a half. If I knew I would have told them by now. And if they really considered the situation they would not be pressuring me about it. But I think that the enemy can use people especially if he knows that there is a blessing coming. The enemy makes you want to give up right before the breakthrough so that you don't accomplish your goal. My biggest fear is not making it. I have been on this journey for 3 years and I don't want for all that time to be wasted because I gave up right before I reached the finish line. I don't want to make the wrong decision about where to stay and go through another year of stagnation. I wish this could all be over already and that I would know where I'm supposed to be, where I'm supposed to live, where I'm supposed to work, what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, and what my purpose is. Max Lucado makes the analogy that life is like a puzzle and God has the box top with the picture on it and we have the pieces. Some days I feel like I only have the edges, I don't even have a hint of what the picture is going to be. What do you do when you only have the edges? I guess you just keep going until more pieces come together and you have an idea of what the picture is.
"There is meaning in every journey that is unknown to the traveler."
— Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Instead I moved to Charlotte for what was to be a temorary re-location for a couple of months. Those couple of months have turned into 4 months. And I can't say that I hate having my own bed, room, and bathroom. And I get to go to the grocery store to pick out food that I like to eat rather than having it picked out for me. So there are some major pluses to staying in Charlotte for the present time. But I don't want to make the wrong decision. I don't want to run back to New Jersey because it would enable me to just sit and be for another year. Whereas in Charlotte, thanks to my mother, there is more added pressure to get up and get going. I think the reason I have avoided the thought of coming back to Charlotte for so long is because I feel like here I will just fade into oblivion. I feel like my life won't have as much meaning living in a sleepy southern city like Charlotte. There are things happening in Charlotte and I don't mean to make it sound bad because it really isn't. But compared to DC, Philly or NYC, Charlotte does not compare. And I guess I am being short sighted by not realizing that moving to Charlotte would more than likely be temporary. Unless the Lord told me that I was to stay here for the rest of my life I don't see that there would be any reason to believe that an opportunity to move elsewhere might present itself in the future. I think I am getting so worked up about this because I have been put on a timeline. I have been told that within the next month I have to make a decision and let my parents know what I want to do. I wish I knew. Honestly what I want most of all is to have my own home to move to and to not have to live with either of them and to have my own life apart from either of them as well. I crave and desire independence and what 29 year old in my position wouldn't feel the same way. But without a miracle it is impossible that it would happen within the next month or by the end of this year. It is very hard trying to be patient when you are surrounded my impatient people. I keep having to field questions that I do not have the answers to and have been seeking answers to for the last year and a half. If I knew I would have told them by now. And if they really considered the situation they would not be pressuring me about it. But I think that the enemy can use people especially if he knows that there is a blessing coming. The enemy makes you want to give up right before the breakthrough so that you don't accomplish your goal. My biggest fear is not making it. I have been on this journey for 3 years and I don't want for all that time to be wasted because I gave up right before I reached the finish line. I don't want to make the wrong decision about where to stay and go through another year of stagnation. I wish this could all be over already and that I would know where I'm supposed to be, where I'm supposed to live, where I'm supposed to work, what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, and what my purpose is. Max Lucado makes the analogy that life is like a puzzle and God has the box top with the picture on it and we have the pieces. Some days I feel like I only have the edges, I don't even have a hint of what the picture is going to be. What do you do when you only have the edges? I guess you just keep going until more pieces come together and you have an idea of what the picture is.
"There is meaning in every journey that is unknown to the traveler."
— Dietrich Bonhoeffer
"We must be ready to allow ourselves to be interrupted by God.....We must not.....assume that our schedule is our own to manage, but allow it to be arranged by God."
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