This blog really has nothing to do with Facebook except in an indirect way. I no longer enjoy Facebook the way that I once did. When I log on to Facebook now the people that I see on there are not the people that I used to know post-college and through grad school. My Facebook news feed used to be about vacations, school assignments, and break activities. Now it's moms and dad and wives and husbands. I keep asking myself, "When did all this happen?" It's so strange to see people that I once knew as singles now have families, many of them growing and expanding all the time. I am really happy for them but their presence on my Facebook page has limited my once frequent use of this site. I think that is why I have gravitated to Twitter. When I get on Twitter I am not reminded that I am alone or that I live with my parents. I am not reminded of the life that I wish had versus the one that I do have. Twitter is the ability to block all that out and repress my feelings about it at the same time.
But I think that there is a big part of me that wishes that I was able to enjoy some semblance of the life that those Facebook people have. They go places and do things and they have friends and loved ones. And I guess I do too but it seems like it is to a lesser degree than the Facebook people. I see my family and my friends at more distant intervals than the Facebook people. I go places and do things and more distant intervals than the Facebook people. I look at the photos and the updates and I think, "Oh how cute. Their baby is doing this or they decorated their house with that." That's at least what I say on the outside. But inside I am thinking, "Man, I wish I had my own house or did fun things with my family too. I wish I just got back from a vacation or was working at a cool new job." I know that the saying goes that "the grass is always greener," but I think in this case it is true. They aren't being turned down from all the jobs that they are applying for, they aren't struggling to keep $1 in their bank account, or having to live with their parents." Right now that sounds like a dream come true.
I keep wondering what God has in store for me. I try to keep the perspective that things are getting better and I really truly believe that they are but there are days and weeks and months that I struggle with keeping that hope alive. I blogged earlier about the Apollo job and how I thought that it would be the perfect job for me. I felt like I wrote a really great cover letter and that I had a stellar resume for the position. But I didn't get a call back. I didn't even get an email that confirmed they received my application. I emailed for follow up two weeks later and I didn't get even a "we filled the position already" response. And even though I know I have to move on from that it gets difficult to do after a while of going through the same experience again, and again, and again, and again. My mom tells me to "just keep going forward, don't let it get me down, keep trying for the next available thing, and to just take what I can get and not be so focused on getting into a museum right now." It's easy enough to say but it's a totally different thing to have to do. Every job I have applied for within the last two years, I thought was going to be the one. And each time I got a rejection email, letter or simply no response I have regrouped and tried to focus on moving to the next thing. But it is really hard going through two years of that and each time being told to just get over it. I had some people tell me that when I get rejected from these positions that it isn't me they're rejecting. Well I beg to differ. I feel like that resume is me. It's my skills, my attributes, and my abilities and when it gets thrown out from the pile it does hurt because I do take the rejection personally. It hurts my feelings just as much as if they slammed a door in my face. To me it says, "You're not good enough. We don't want you." It may mean that and it may not but rejection is hard to face and hard to handle time after time. This past week I was really in a funk about it. I just felt like I was trying hard to get a position and doing the best that I could but I grow weary, who wouldn't. And some days it's easy and some days it's hard.
But I think that there is a big part of me that wishes that I was able to enjoy some semblance of the life that those Facebook people have. They go places and do things and they have friends and loved ones. And I guess I do too but it seems like it is to a lesser degree than the Facebook people. I see my family and my friends at more distant intervals than the Facebook people. I go places and do things and more distant intervals than the Facebook people. I look at the photos and the updates and I think, "Oh how cute. Their baby is doing this or they decorated their house with that." That's at least what I say on the outside. But inside I am thinking, "Man, I wish I had my own house or did fun things with my family too. I wish I just got back from a vacation or was working at a cool new job." I know that the saying goes that "the grass is always greener," but I think in this case it is true. They aren't being turned down from all the jobs that they are applying for, they aren't struggling to keep $1 in their bank account, or having to live with their parents." Right now that sounds like a dream come true.
I keep wondering what God has in store for me. I try to keep the perspective that things are getting better and I really truly believe that they are but there are days and weeks and months that I struggle with keeping that hope alive. I blogged earlier about the Apollo job and how I thought that it would be the perfect job for me. I felt like I wrote a really great cover letter and that I had a stellar resume for the position. But I didn't get a call back. I didn't even get an email that confirmed they received my application. I emailed for follow up two weeks later and I didn't get even a "we filled the position already" response. And even though I know I have to move on from that it gets difficult to do after a while of going through the same experience again, and again, and again, and again. My mom tells me to "just keep going forward, don't let it get me down, keep trying for the next available thing, and to just take what I can get and not be so focused on getting into a museum right now." It's easy enough to say but it's a totally different thing to have to do. Every job I have applied for within the last two years, I thought was going to be the one. And each time I got a rejection email, letter or simply no response I have regrouped and tried to focus on moving to the next thing. But it is really hard going through two years of that and each time being told to just get over it. I had some people tell me that when I get rejected from these positions that it isn't me they're rejecting. Well I beg to differ. I feel like that resume is me. It's my skills, my attributes, and my abilities and when it gets thrown out from the pile it does hurt because I do take the rejection personally. It hurts my feelings just as much as if they slammed a door in my face. To me it says, "You're not good enough. We don't want you." It may mean that and it may not but rejection is hard to face and hard to handle time after time. This past week I was really in a funk about it. I just felt like I was trying hard to get a position and doing the best that I could but I grow weary, who wouldn't. And some days it's easy and some days it's hard.
Today during my quiet time I came across the verse that is on the right side of my blog at the top Psalm 138:8. I like that verse a lot and believe that it is true for me. But I keep wondering when. When is it going to turn around, when is it going to get better, when will I have a win, when will it be my turn to have good news. And I think sometimes it gets harder to see it all turning around because the situation becomes more and more impossible. For example, I have a part time job starting this fall doing tutoring, but it's only two days a week. Then I am going to try and start substitute teaching. I don't know how steady substitutes work or what they make but between the two I'll at least have a little money. But that money will have to go towards making contributions to my personal bills, the utilities, food, gas, clothes for work, and toiletries. It feels like I am entering into something that will last the rest of my life because I can't see how I would ever rebound financially with only two part time jobs. I feel robbed. I feel like my dreams and hopes got stolen away from me. I was supposed to have my Museum Studies certificate by now, be starting a doctoral program, and be an assistant curator at the Smithsonian. I would have been making good money, living a good life in DC, and at least in my personal opinion have become "successful". I don't feel very successful being at home alone all day, doing chores and wasting time on the Internet to pass time. It sucks sometimes. The most exciting part of my day is making dinner. I don't know why but it is. I spend about two hours with my mother before she goes to bed and then I'm alone again. Usually blogging or watching TV like now. I want a real life, with interaction and appointments, and busyness, and things to do. Over the last week I have been feeling useful again because my photo research project picked up and I got to use the scanner and make important sounding phone calls. It was fun and I felt like for a moment I had a taste of the old life of working in the museum again but I had no one to share it with. But I still enjoyed it.
Then there's my dream of still being able to live in New York. I've made peace with the fact that God has called me to Charlotte for this time in my life, why I still don't know yet but I have not given up on New York. Whenever I see things relating to New York or to my favorite borough Brooklyn my heart aches. Not to mention I was just starting to feel comfortable driving in Jersey and I had driven in New York too. And I had begun to make friends in Jersey too. I really love my church in Jersey. I don't understand why all those jobs that would have helped me to be able to set up my own home in Jersey and get out of debt passed me by. It just seems really unfair at times. So now I am starting all over again in Charlotte and it's hard. Even though Charlotte is familiar it's not the same as when I lived here 5 years ago or 10 years ago. It feels like a different place. And much of that may have to do with the fact that my parents relocated to Concord, so technically we don't live in Charlotte anymore. It's just all confusing and hard to deal with at times, like right now.
I feel like Theo Huxtable in the pilot episode of The Cosby Show where he tells his dad that he just wants to be regular people. Sometimes I say that to the Lord, I just want to be regular people. I want to go to work, come home, go to bed, maybe even hang out with friends some nights, and then do the same thing Monday through Friday. It really doesn't seem like a lot to ask but apparently the Lord has something bigger. And it's sad that I do get sidetracked and I forget about the something bigger and partnering with God in something He wants me to do and I just feel like please let me do what I want to do. But I know that's the wrong attitude to have. I am a modern day Jonah still struggling with what the Lord is leading and guiding me towards. Mainly because I don't know what all it entails yet. It can be frustrating and aggravating at times. Especially when I just want my own life, like the Facebook people. But I have to keep going and keep believing that one day I will be out of the valley of the shadow and I will have a mountain top experience. I live for it. I live for the knowing that one day all of this will change and I'll have a win. One day I will get that email, call or letter that is a yes instead of a no.
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