What a Difference A Year Makes

I just thought about the fact that a year ago this month I had a life altering experience. I moved, all on my own, from DC to New Jersey. Let me clarify the all on my own part. I drove down to DC on Jan. 12 and proceeded to clean out my apartment for two days throwing most of the stuff out and moving only what could fit in the back of my dad's Tahoe out of my apartment. It was an extremely difficult time for me and I really felt like the world was ending. I had some really good friends send me off in DC and I chose to look at it as a new beginning rather than what it felt like, the end of everything I had ever hoped for. I had moved to DC just two and a half years before with hopes of working in museums and carving out a great little life in the capitol city. But instead I was met with an abrupt end to my employment in museums which resulted in much job and soul searching and then it came to an end when I could no longer support myself and I was completely miserable with my life there. I moved all of my stuff to my parents home in Charlotte and then drove back up to New Jersey to hopefully start a new life there. Well fast forward a year and I am still in New Jersey, 2010 didn't exactly go the way I had hoped, but now I know that the move to New Jersey was the right thing for me and I have truly enjoyed being here. It's a comforting feeling to know that a year ago I was scared and anxious and nervous about the future and what was going to happen to me. Now I still don't know what is going to happen to me but I know that it will be good and I am not scared, anxious or nervous. So that makes me happy to know that at least I have more faith and hope and trust in the Lord that he will see me through and I am not trusting in or relying on myself anymore. That is the biggest difference between last year and this year. That's improvement and progress, I believe. I can't believe that it has been a year already but oh what a year it has been!

The Call

In December I watched a documentary called The Call. It was about young people in seminary studying to become the next generation of leaders in their individual religions. The documentary followed an imam, a rabbi, and an AME minister. Each of them faced different challenges as they pursued their call into the ministry. Some of the challenges were personal others were professional. They had to constantly assure themselves that they were doing the right thing with their lives because there were people who were constantly questioning them. At the end of the documentary the directors spoke to several people about their own call. What do they feel they are called to do? Many people had a defining moment of when they absolutely knew that they had to do something whether it was counseling, playing music, or working for a social justice cause. They all just knew instantly that it was what they wanted to do.

Over the last two weeks the word "call" has been working its way into daily Bible study and some of my devotions. The call of Samuel, the call of Moses, and the call of Samuel. When God called them these men answered "Here I am." They were called to things they most likely never imagined that they would do. But the focus of these men's lives was to be available to whatever they were called to do. I have read several times that God looks for availability not ability. It's whether you're willing to abandon, possibly, what you thought you were meant to do or wanted to do to do what you are called to do.

I have had this conversation within my mind many times. For so long I thought I was answering the call of my life by pursuing museums. I love museums and I love curatorial work. It's fulfilling and satisfying and rewarding for me. But my path took a turn and I have no idea what is going on with me now. Will I get back to being in museums? I think so. Is museum work really what I am called by God to do? I'm not sure yet. Sometimes we are so sure of the things we want and we are determined and steadfastly devoted to pursuing it at all cost. I believe that I have been here and am still here. But for some reason our efforts don't work out. I am here and accepting that I am here has been a process. But the true test I think of whether you are called for something is that you keep pursuing it even when these things have happened because you would rather die trying to obtain the dream than to give up on it altogether. Unless the Lord tells me to do something else I am 100% motivated to get back to working in museums. It's what I have wanted to do and have worked to be able to do for almost a decade, so almost a third of my life. And I have good ideas, I've had great experiences, and I want to affect the future of this profession for good.

Today I was reading in my JM book Never Give Up about one of the personal obstacles we have to face when we are going through a trial is jealousy. Sometimes it seems as if other people do not have to face all the trials that we face in order to do what they want to do, they effortlessly or seamlessly get to do whatever they want and to those struggling it is maddening and frustrating. But we all learn and grow differently and when we see other people having their successes or accomplishing their dreams we have to just trust and believe that it will happen for us too even if it takes us longer. I have had to have many talks with myself about just looking straight ahead and not focusing on anyone else's life but mine in the sense that I am happy for them having what they want but if I look too long it will just bring up all those feelings of how frustrated I am in the path that I am having to walk. So you have to just keep going and keep focusing on your goal. It was nice to read that someone else had those same feelings and had gone through that and made it through that as well. I really felt and feel sometimes that I am the only one in the world going through something like this but I know better than that. Even if I don't know the people specifically I at least know that there are other people struggling with this same type of situation. I find solice in that.

So we are all called to a purpose in life. And whether we answer is up to us. Sometimes it comes in a not so hard to accept way and sometimes it comes in a hard to accept way. But we have the choice of going through it whether it is or isn't difficult. So when the call is issued my prayer is that I too can answer "Here I am."

And Suddenly...

The last few weeks have been really amazing! I have been having suddenly experiences all along but Oswald Chambers really brought it home for me this morning in My Utmost For His Highest. I really enjoy my morning insights from Oswald because he helps me to see things in a whole new light which is amazing for someone who has been dead almost a century. Nevertheless, I am always amazed by the timelessness of his writings. It also helps me to feel as though I am not alone in this thing called life because so many others have dealt with life as I know it. So this morning Oswald was talking about staying in such close communion with God that HE is able to suddenly invade our lives. And I thought to myself hmm when was the last time this happened to me. But then I was struck by the thought that it has been happening to me a lot. For a long time I was trying to get God's attention, "Hello Lord! I'm suffering down here. I don't like it. Please change it! Thank you!" As long as I did that I was not receiving any answers. But then through much reading, exhaustion, tantrums, crying, screaming, laughing, and relaxing I realized that God was already ten steps ahead of me and was waiting for me to grow up enough to get to where HE was not for me to bring HIM back to where I was. Once I realized this life was much easier to deal with and mountains seemed less steep and scary. So this month, the first month of a brand new year, I have been hearing from God in the way that I hear from HIM best, through words. Several years ago when I was attending NCC in DC I heard a speaker named Margaret Feinberg (@mafeinberg). She spoke about how can we know that God is speaking to us or communicating to us.She said that one way that it can happen is that there is a theme, a word, a phrase or a verse that you might see repeatedly over the course of a day or week or month and then you can be sure that God is trying to tell you something. I have had several days this month where I have had a word or theme of the day that God was more than confirming for me, it was everywhere and I could not miss it. So much so that just a week ago our guest minister preached my exact devotion from my Bible including the very same example and words. I was like okay Lord, I hear you. So then last week I had a suddenly moment in addition to the words of the day. I got my mind set on looking for jobs and being determined to come through this time without getting discouraged or giving up (which is the title of the latest Joyce Meyer book that I am reading). So I decided to get on the computer even though I had let most of the day pass by. When I got on the computer I checked email and while I was checking email I got an email for a project that I had given up on being completed because it had been so long since we worked on it that I had decided to just give up thinking that it would continue. So to my excitement the project was back on! Yay! But the project is only part time, we need more than part time to live but we are thankful for anything that we can get so we said yes and thanked Jesus for this opportunity. So I was excited about the project starting back and just decided to look and see if there were any jobs out there that might be of interest to me. I tried every site that I could think of for finding jobs in museums in the Greater New York Area. Only one really caught my eye but was not at a museum that I really wanted to work at or felt qualified to work at. So I just decided to pray for direction. What should I do Lord? Should I keep looking? Should I wait for you to tell me? What should I do? I decided that I would still look but prayerfully this time, asking God to direct my search and lead me to where I needed to look for jobs. So today was the day to discuss the details of the project and find out what was expected. Yay I feel useful and needed again! So while settling back into my role as photographic researcher I signed into several accounts so I could attend to my social media needs when SUDDENLY (Hi Oswald) what should I behold on Twitter but a museum calling all candidates for a position that oddly enough was exactly what I'm doing but for real MONEY! Woohoo! I was at first deterred because of the wording but then decided to check it out for myself to see what all they required. I went through the checklist and behold I met all the qualifications nay exceeded all of them. Immediately I started getting my information together in order to make sure this cover letter and resume got there TODAY!!!! Before I wrote I prayed, while I wrote I prayed, after I finished I prayed! This honestly was the best cover letter I have written in the three years I have been writing cover letters, wonder why (Thanks Abba Father)! So then I put it all together, prayed over it as it was about to be sent out and rejoiced in that application coming back signed, sealed, delivered and mine. It was a suddenly that I could not have imagined. I signed into Twitter and immediately (SUDDENLY) there was this tweet right when I signed in about this job. I almost missed it because the way it was worded I didn't think I was qualified but upon further inspection and deciding it couldn't hurt just to see what they were looking for I ended up applying for the first job I've actually been excited about since May of last year. THANK YOU JESUS! Suddenly is an amazing feeling and I expect for 2011 to be a year of more suddenlies!

First Post of the New Year

Okay so I didn't keep my promise to be a better blogger for the rest of 2010 but it's a new year and I am hoping to do better. Christmas in the Carolinas was great! We enjoyed the first snowy Christmas in 47 years in Charlotte. It was what I have hoped and prayed for for years. New Year's was awesome and the day after we left and came back to Jersey. I realized something while I was at home! An epiphany if you will: I love New Jersey! Let me rephrase I love my life in New Jersey. In October 2009 when my circumstances forced me here I never thought that I would come to like being here but alas I have. I love my church, I like being so close to NYC, I don't like my town but that can and will change, and I love the people that I know here. So I was actually happy to be coming back! Yay! I used to be so upset and pining for DC but now I realize that that chapter is closed and I am in a new one. January has been a really eye opeing month for me. I turned 29 and I completed a fast with my church. And I have been reading some great books and learning some great lessons. I feel like 2011 will be different from the last three years. I am struggling with some things but they are more or less things that I need to either do or get rid of in my life. I know how to do these things but it is tough to let go but it's the right thing if it will make your life better. Speaking of letting go, I had to let go of my little sunflower design from ShabbyBlogs. I had to redesign my blog. I hope that it is a good change. I like it so far but I haven't had time to get used to it yet. New year, new blog! But I am really thankful for all that it going on in life and I am coming to the realization that I need to be more a part of life than I have in the past. Instead of focusing on what I can't do I need to focus on what I can!

Two Months

Wow! It has really been two months since I have tended to my poor blog. I feel extremely bad about that. I have no excuse other than to say that the two months flew by and I really just did my best to drop out for a second but now I'm back! So since the last post not much has happened actually. I went home for Thanksgiving last month which was nice and I saw my family and a really good friend of mine. I got to hide away at home in my room and just relax and do things I don't get to do on a normal basis which was a nice change. And then in the time since Thanksgiving, I've just gotten really excited about going back for Christmas. In the last week I accomplished a goal of mine which was to actually drive in New York. Granted I was driving on the freeway part of the time to get to the airport but I still drove in New York nonetheless which was really great. I always wondered if I would be able to handle New York traffic and I did. Not to say that I was not scared to death at times that I was going to crash into someone or that they would crash into me but everything worked out for the best. I really enjoyed the drive through Brooklyn that I had to do in order to get to JFK. I am continuously amazed by New York. It astounds me all the time all of the people who live in the city, all the ethnicities that are mingled together, and the fact that people are living in such close proximity to one another. But I love it and I want to be a part of it.

Over the last two months I have been thinking a lot about this year. When 2010 started I was more than hopeful nay I say sure that this would be the year that things would turn around and get better. I put all of my energy into networking, cold calls, emails, cover letters, and resume blasts. And although I was able to get a part time temporary position with a project I really expected more. My enthusiasm from the beginning of the year lasted until about June when I felt like a complete and utter failure and that all hope was lost. But then I sucked it up and decided to get back in the game. Time after time I sent out resumes and applied for jobs I didn't want in hopes of just being able to have something to do and money in my pocket. The things I really wanted that I had applied for never called or emailed or even gave me an indication that they got my resume. Again hope was waning. But then I decided that I was not going to let these things get me down and I was not going to let them keep me from enjoying my life. It has been a challenge and a struggle but I am trying not to let circumstances get the better of me. I know that there are hundreds of thousands of people in my same position. And I know that eventually things will work out. How? I have not a clue but I believe that they will work out and that all of the struggle and strain has not been for nothing. I am looking forward to the next 16 days of the rest of 2010. After this week most of them will be spent in North Carolina with my family. And I am looking forward to putting this year behind me knowing that I tried my best for the most part and that there were times where I failed and I could have done a better job but that I have to move forward to what's next. Wondering what's next sometimes keeps me up at night. I wonder whether or not the next day will be the day when things change or if next year this time I'll have accomplished some things that I have hoped for for a long time. But I am trying to not do that so much. Everything that needs to happen will happen at it's appointed time and my sleep deprivation will not improve on the situation. But I am excited to see where it goes from here.2010 wasn't what I planned it to be but I think that in the end with everything all said and done it was the way it needed to be. It was a faith building year because I could see nothing in front of me but I had to keep going. There was no way for me to stop the days from coming or the months from passing by although there were times when I would have loved to do that. But as I was talking to my uncle about it a little bit at Thanksgiving I realized that other people expected 2010 to be different for them too and there plans didn't work as they hoped either. At least there is some comfort in numbers.But I am thoroughly ready to leave 2010 behind. Last week my pastor spoke about not living a life of regrets. Life is really too short to waste any moments living in regret. We all have regrets but the important thing is to accept them and move on. There are things I regret about 2010 and other past years too but I can't change it. All I can do is accept it and where I can learn from it I do and I am careful to avoid mistakes and patterns that led to those regrets. That's really all that I can do. But I am looking forward to the next chapter of my life. I feel as though right now in the book of my life I am stuck between the pages and am waiting to see how the next chapter starts. But I know that I will know when I supposed to know and until then I just have to wait. That's all I can do at this moment.

Moving Closer

Well I think I am moving closer, let's rephrase that I know I am moving closer to seeing my situation turn around. This past Sunday we had a great morning and evening service at LOJ. The evening service was one of those services that you will never forget. We had a guest minister who spoke about the dry bones coming to life in the Book of Ezekiel. It was amazing all the insight that she gave to us about what the vision meant and what the symbolism was of that vision. If that wasn't enough the next day I was doing my daily devotional out of my Bible and the devotional for the day was that exact same reading from the night before Ezekiel 37:1-14. I was really surprised because when I left off on Friday I hadn't even looked to see where I had placed the bookmark. Then after doing some reading I went to the page for the devotion and there it was. I just called it confirmation from God that the message from the night before was definitely for me. And that makes me really excited. I have lived in a dry land far too long. Every time I got my hopes up and thought that things were getting ready to change I was faced with disappointment. Much of this year I have felt defeated. But in the last month there has been hope renewed. Mainly from ministers and pastors that I have seen on tv or heard in my own church. Early this year I had an experience where I was assured that New Jersey was not the wrong place for me and that I would have a stable life and be firmly planted. I was so ecstatic when I heard this. The first thing I thought was when is this going to happen. I was ready for it to happen right then and there. But I waited the next week and then the next week and before I knew it weeks had turned into months. And I kept waiting before I just became drained. That resulted in excessive sleep, stress, and sleeplessness. It was extremely difficult and I really didn't know what to do but I knew I couldn't keep just fading into week after week. So I got back on the horse and started looking for and applying for positions. Then this past weekend came along and just helped me to know that change is coming soon. And as Joel Osteen says, "Each day moves me closer to my set appointed time." So everyday that I don't hear something moves me closer to being in a better place. As you can imagine it also increases my want and desire to see the change and the turnaround. Waiting is difficult but it is better to wait and get to where you need/want to go than to be impatient and settle for less.

A New October

Well it's October and the air in Jersey is growing cooler and cooler by the day. Fall is my favorite time of the year and mostly because of the weather but also because Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming. That means I get to go home to NC and see my family and friends. That makes me really excited! October is a new beginning also. Last October I left DC for what I thought would be a two week vacation and it turned into a year long stay. So this October I believe is a new beginning to the next phase of my life. I believe that next October will not find me in the same position or same place emotionally, physically, or professionally. So I am looking to do what I can to enact a new plan for my life. I'm really excited about new change and new phases of my life even though I don't know what they are yet. Speaking of new phases and changes today I learned that my college roommate had her first baby. It is amazing to me because I can remember when I first met her and we became good friends living down the hall from each other. Then the next year we were roommates and we got along really well. Then our last two years of college we were extremely close and she was my best friend from college. We lost contact because distance separated us but my memories of her and our time together as college students will always be dear to me. I am so excited and I can't wait to see her new little baby boy. And I also think about the fact that this year I am out of high school 10 years, college 6 years and graduate school three years. Where are all these years going. The other day I got a message from the reunion committee for my high school class and the questions from the survey they were taking made me angry and sad. Most of the questions had to do with your post high school life, are you married, how many children do you have, what do you do for a living, how long have you been doing that, etc. And the reason I was sad/angry was because my post high school life hasn't followed the formula college, grad school, marriage, and kids. But then I had to talk to myself. What have I been doing since high school? Well I have had many life experiences and I have been building a career. It's been taking longer than some of my classmates but that doesn't mean that it isn't valid or acceptable. It's my path. As for marriage and family, well I don't have control over that and I can't beat myself up over it. But it is still hard to imagine that there has been all of this time that has passed and I am trying to figure out what tangible things I have from it. But I did think about all of the things that I have done over the last ten years and I have accomplished a lot of things that I never imagined I would and that I dreamed that I would also. So I need to learn to be content with my life and to appreciate what I have done, where I have been, and look hopefully and patiently toward the future. Joyce Meyer says that we should adopt the thought pattern of believing and confessing that "Something good is going to happen to me." And I believe that over the next twelve months and in the years to come good things are going to happen to me. The last year and the last year before that were painful but they were stepping stones to where I am going and they are not going to define my future. I'm on my way to a better place!