Keeping Dreams Alive

This past weekend I went to a retirement/birthday party for a friend of my mother. I had never really been to a retirement party before and it was really interesting to hear people talking about this phase of their lives. Being able to do things that they have always wanted to do like traveling, or jobs that they can do for fun, or hanging out with friends more. Most of these people were over 60 so they were a long time preparing for this event. It's also interesting because many of the people there know that my mom's friend is extremely good with money and has been her whole life. She has been financially preparing for this moment for the last 30 plus years. It made me think about my own life and the fact that I have not thought about retirement at all because at 30 I am still trying to get into the work force "officially". But it also made me think about how over a lifetime you plan things and do them. Sometimes you accomplish them and sometimes if they don't work out you just let them go.

Have you ever had a dream that you have tried to accomplish and have been unable to and then have abandoned? I have been there and done that but the dreams are hard to suppress because I want for them to come true so badly. One of the dreams that I have spoken about on my blog is living and working in NYC. I love NYC and just feel so at home and comfortable there. I love the food, the subway, Brooklyn, Broadway, Sylvia's, Lindy's, Citi Field, the bridges, Coney Island, Nathan's, and all the different sub-sections of Manhattan. To me it is the greatest place in the whole world. I have been to London, Paris, Amsterdam, Cairo, Alexandria, Tel Aviv, Jerusalem, and Madrid and out of them all I still love New York. I wrote "NYC or Bust" on my college graduation cap in 2004. At the time I was just really set on the fact that I wanted to go to New York. I applied to a school there and really just expected to get in. Well I didn't and I was heart broken. Then another opportunity to get in came along but it didn't work out and I didn't get in to the school I was hoping to go to. So I decided to try again for the next school year. But I didn't get in again. I ended up going to Ohio for grad school. Then I moved to DC after graduation and thought that I would just make a life there and be there for the rest of my life. I was there to stay. But that didn't go as planned either. So while I was looking for jobs I decided to apply for New York jobs as well since it was not clear that I would definitely find something in DC. I got a job interview at a museum in New York. I was so excited. I could not have been more thrilled or happy. But I didn't get that job and I was heartbroken again. I thought my dream of New York was done forever. But then I moved, unexpectedly, to New Jersey. I was closer than ever to New York and I really thought that sure this time, being that close by that I would find something. I went in for interviews and had my resume considered by some prestigious institutions but nothing came of it. I was just so discontent at the fact that my New York dreams were being dashed just like the DC dreams that I had and I felt like it was so unfair because I was working really hard to try and make it work. I had applied for several part time jobs and I thought to myself, if I can just get those three jobs I can make it. I was willing to do whatever I had to do to be able to stay in New York. But then I moved, unexpectedly again, to North Carolina. Even FURTHER away from New York and it really looked like the end then. I have been looking for jobs here and I have tried to abandon my dreams of ever working in New York or ever working in a museum. I constantly think about just giving up on those dreams because they seem so impossible and my pursuit of them has not yielded anything tangible thus far. But whenever I try to give up on those dreams I can't. They are buried too deep within me. They are a part of me. I desire with my whole being to work in a museum and be a curator. I desire with my whole being to live in New York and be a New Yorker. I can't separate myself from those dreams because they are me. All of this was sparked by a song that played while pictures of my mom's friend's life were played in a power point. There was a song that spoke about dreams coming true even when at one time they seemed like they were within grasp only to be yanked away. I have been there so many times it has stopped being ironic. I have had hope and believed that finally I had applied for the perfect job that I was qualified to do and then have received an email, a letter, or have not received an email or letter that confirmed that I had not been chosen. I keep thinking when is it going to be my turn to realize my dreams. I feel like I have had to go through so much when it seems like other people have simply waltzed into the exact same thing that I have been fighting for. It has been a really long and difficult road. But even so I am not prepared to give up on my dreams. I am not prepared to just let them go. If anything I am more convinced that I need to do everything that is within my ability to do to make them happen. I believe my dreams and goals are worth it. And I also believe that the Lord placed those dreams and desires within me. So I really believe that those dreams will come to pass no matter how impossible they seem.

One More Thing...

I know the previous post was crazy long but one thing that did stand out to me last night when I was listening to Bishop Jakes was what he said about appreciating the journey. He said that often times we are so focused on getting from point A to point B that we miss the important things that happen along the way. We miss the process. There are lessons that we learn on the journey that we could not learn any other way. There is meaning in the journey. It is interesting because the first message that I heard Pastor Steven preach was about the journey that Abraham's servant made to get a wife for Isaac from Abraham's people. He didn't know who he was looking for and the journey itself was tiring, arduous, and long. But there was a significance in getting to the end of the journey brought about by the journey itself. All the things that they encountered and times when they probably felt like they would never make it and times when it seemed like they would either die or have to turn back or just quit were well worth it and even forgotten because of the success of their journey. It made me think about the fact that we often expect a microwave blessing, ready in a minute or less. But God is more concerned about shaping and molding us into the people that we need to be than He is with satisfying our short term needs or desires. He wants us to have what we need but we are not always who we need to be or where we need to be to receive what He has for us. We draw close to Him, rely on Him, and seek Him when we are in crisis. When we are on the journey in the wilderness to the Promised Land, that is when we learn who He is, we trust Him, we get in the Word, and we develop into the people that He has called us to be.

A Resurrection Touch

Yesterday it was rainy and cold in Charlotte but mom and I had planned to go hear Bishop T.D. Jakes at Elevation Church in Blakeney. So we got in the car in the pouring rain and traveled out to Matthews on a crowded 485. We eventually got to the Elevation Blakeney Campus only to realize that we were not the only ones with this same journey. There were hundreds of cars in the parking lot and there was a line of people waiting to get in that seemed to go on forever. We stopped to find out what was going on and a parking attendant told us that at this point they were going to be putting people into overflow and they couldn't guarantee that. But they had opened up a site at Providence High School and they were telling people to go there if they wanted to be in a service. I don't think either of us were really thrilled about having to go to overflow or another site but we decided to go to Providence. I was thinking that since we had come all the way out there it made sense to go to the other location so we could still be in a service with other people. Little did I know that a month ago I had been prepared for this by learning how to get to Providence Rd from Rea Rd after going on a ride in the city with a friend. God had already prepared me for this evening and I didn't even know it!

We made our way to Providence High School and found that there was a nice crowd growing there. We arrived about 30 minutes before the service started and we were able to get a seat close to the front. We sat there hearing how others had tried to make it to Blakeney as well but were unable to wait out in the rain or were not wanting to miss anything waiting to see what would happen. The service started and the praise and worship was really great. I didn't know any of the songs but it really didn't matter it was a great time of worship with the other believers in the room. There were so many people there at Blakeney on the screen and then so many who kept filling the auditorium at Providence.

Then it came time for Bishop Jakes to take the stage after a brief introduction from Pastor Steven. Bishop Jakes took the stage and started talking about touch. He talked about how infants who are touched and held when they are born grow at a faster rate than those who are just given the basic necessities. I was wondering to myself where he was going. But as he kept on speaking it was so clear that his message was right on time. He eventually got to speaking about the woman with the issue of blood in Luke 8:46. He talked about how she had to overcome so much just to get to the hem of Jesus' garment. She had a problem that was literally draining the life out of her. She had lost her finances and her relationships trying to fight this problem but the problem seemed to be winning because it had stolen everything away from her. She was unclean so she couldn't go anywhere or touch anything or anyone. The problem had taken over her identity. In the Bible this woman doesn't have a name she is known by her issue. But she had faith. She believed that God could do what she could not do herself which is where her faith began. She had to encourage herself in the Lord to know that if she could just touch Jesus' robe she would be healed.
Meanwhile Jesus was on His way to heal Jairus' daughter. He was on His way in the opposite direction of the woman. Jairus had a 12 year old daughter who was dying and he had asked that Jesus come and heal her. Bishop Jakes pointed out how the girl was 12 years old and had been born the year that the woman had developed her condition. The woman and the girl were both dying and needed a touch from Jesus. Bishop Jakes pointed out that in the culture that the woman with the issue of blood lived in she was not supposed to break into a crowd of men. She was not to go up to men she didn't know. And especially with her medical issues she was not supposed to be in the crowd with everyone else but she needed something from Jesus and she was willing to do whatever she needed to do in order to get what she needed. Bishop Jakes also spoke about Hebrews 4:14,15 which speaks about how Jesus is our high priest but unlike the high priests of the Old Testament He is not untouchable or inaccessible to us. We have the ability to touch Him with  our shortcomings, our failures, our heartbreaks, and our needs. We have access to Jesus anywhere we are because He is everywhere we are. Sometimes He is the only one who knows how we feel and what we have been through. So this woman was operating in a way that not even the disciples had in their time with Jesus.

The woman with the issue of blood stepped out in faith. She crawled on the ground and in her broken down, ill, and dying state she caught up with young, healthy men who were walking. She reached out and she touched Jesus' hem of his robe. She didn't touch Him, but she touched what was touching Him. Jesus had so much power that she only had to touch something that was touching Him to get healed. When the woman touched Him he instantly perceived that power had gone out of Him. And she instantly was healed. No one knew she was healed in that moment but her, she knew within herself. Jesus asked who had touched Him and she owned up to it that it had been her. In the moment that the woman touched Jesus he was stopped from moving forward and Jairus' daughter died. He healed one who touched Him and then proceeded to go to one that needed Him to touch her. He went to Jairus' house and then touched his daughter and healed her. Bishop Jakes made the connection that the woman with the issue of blood was in need of healing but the little girl was in need of resurrection. He said this was indicative of an older generation that was losing vision, weak, and hemorrhaging. The little girl represents a young generation that has been said to be dead. He said that God told him to tell us last night that He still touches. Those things that are in need of healing He can heal and those things that look dead He can resurrect. He said that those over 40 should expect to be healed and those under 40 should be expecting to be resurrected. Awesome word!

I know this has already been a super long blog post but I want to explain why this was such an awesome moment in my life. The word resurrect according to dictionary.com means "to raise from the dead, bring to life again, to bring back into use or practice." Over the course of the last year I have been hearing this word resurrect from different ministers. Last year it was Pastor Gayle at LOJ, then Marilyn Hickey here in Charlotte. Last weekend Christine Caine spoke about God's ability to resurrect dreams and goals that had a tomb over them. Then last night Bishop Jakes spoke about how God was resurrecting the younger generation. He said that God never takes something away from you or takes you out of something without giving you something better to replace it. That word resurrect is so important to me because I am in need of a resurrection in my life. For the last 2 years my dreams have been dead. I have given all my time, energy, creativity, and finances trying to fix and solve and figure out the situation. But in spite of my best efforts I have not been able to make it happen. It's a job that only Jesus can handle. Thanks to Bishop Jakes, who last night reminded us that being at rock bottom and out of options makes us perfect vessels for God to use, I was encouraged and hopeful that even though I feel and it looks like it is the end of the line, I am right where I need to be for God to show up. I believe that the only way my life can get back on track is if I just trust that it is a job for Jesus. I have to keep encouraging myself on the inside that when things don't work out like I thought, when things take longer than I had hoped or when people around me turn from being my biggest supporters to being my biggest critics that I just have to believe for a touch from Jesus. And like Bishop Jakes said Jesus has the power to set things right in an instant. It doesn't take as long to get you out as it took to get you in. He can right the wrongs, heal the pain, change the circumstances, and rebuild the relationships in an instant. Christine Caine really hit home with her message last week. And I have thought about it and meditated on it all week. I knew that Bishop Jakes would be awesome but I did not even imagine that it could be more awesome than what I imagined it would be. That is how I know that it was a message from God. It was God speaking to us through his vessel to tell us that He knows where we are and if we won't give up on Him we will see His hand move in our lives.

Yesterday I did my quiet time reading about the ten plagues and the children of Israel. The devotion posed the question as to why it took so long for the children of Israel to actually get out of Egypt. They had been there already for 430 years and to some people they might think to themselves why didn't God just overcome Pharaoh and get them out of there. Why did they have to go through so much to get out? The devotion explained that God uses our circumstances (the things that don't make sense, the things that seem too hard, the things that have us in bondage) to show His power and strength. It would have been easy for Him to just cause massive destruction to Egypt and have the Israelites just walk out but instead He undermined the belief system of Egypt to prove to them that there is only one God and He is the God of the Hebrews. The Egyptian gods didn't show up, they didn't change the things that were happening to their people, and they didn't have any power. But in each plague God made a distinction (special regard or favoritism, the recognizing or noting of differences) between His people and the Egyptians. The things that happened to the Egyptians did not happen to the Israelites. The Israelites were untouched and unaffected by the plagues. God uses what we go through not just to show us who He is but to show others who He is because when they look at where we were and they see where we are after He moves they know that He is real and that He still touches and that He can bring life to any dead thing with His resurrection touch!

Promises, Promises

This past weekend I received some encouragement from the Lord in the form of Christine Caine and Pastor Brooks. Christine Caine, who I first became aware of in 2010, was speaking as a part of Code Orange Revival at Elevation Church in Charlotte this past Saturday. I was looking forward to her night of ministry the most out of all the speakers that they were hosting, and she did not disappoint. Last week was rough. I was just feeling pressured and at my wit's end to come up with some kind of plan for getting out of this box that I seem to be in. I was also feeling some self pity because of all the things that have not happened in my life yet that I so desperately want to happen. I keep reminding myself of those promises that the Lord has given me but at times they seem so impossible I just feel so hopeless. The first two weeks of this month I have been reading the Old Testament. I read the story of Abraham and Sarah and how they had to go through an amazing period of waiting and trusting God to fulfill His promise to them about having a son of their own even when their bodies were "as good as dead." Well Christine Caine opened up her message on Saturday talking about Abraham and Sarah! She quoted Hebrews 11:11 "Through faith also Sarah herself received strength to conceive seed, and was delivered of a child when she was past the age, because she judged Him faithful who had promised." Christine spoke about how we as the church have stopped judging God faithful to His word and His promises. She then uttered the words that I think changed so many people's lives including my own, "God's appointed time is not your due date." WOW! She spoke about how we all are faithful and trusting for a little while but when things don't start to click and happen by the time we think that they should be we start to panic and we start to question God and we judge Him to be unfaithful to us. AMAZING!!!! Yes, we do and yes I have. It was so amazing how this message just hit home with me for where I was in my mind, attitude, and emotions. I was really feeling desperate, hopeless, alone and abandoned. But her message reminded me that God has infinite wisdom and knows what He's doing even if His appointed time is after my due date. She said that for Abraham and Sarah when they got the promise of having a child they accepted that as true. But as time went on they became doubtful and fearful that it wouldn't happen. That's when they created Ishmael. They created Ishmael out of fear that God would not do His part. The good news is that even though Abraham and Sarah were not faithful in just believing God to take care of the situation and they tried to fix things themselves, God proved that He keeps His promises and His word by giving them Isaac at a time in their lives when they probably were more likely to be getting their last will and testament in order. Christine said that God specializes in the impossible. She continuously quoted how the Bible says that "with God all things are possible" and "What is impossible with man is possible with God." She said that often times because we are so self confident and sure of our own abilities to do something we try to "help" God get done in our lives what only He can get done in our lives. She said that often times we have to wait for God's promises to be fulfilled when they look the most impossible so that we know and everyone around us knows that He did it and we had nothing to do with it at all. At the conclusion she just continued to talk about how there is nothing, absolutely nothing that God cannot do, or turn around or work out for our good. It was so inspiring and convicting at the same time. I had been sliding into doubting and fearing that God couldn't or wouldn't come through for me. And Christine's message reminded me that God specializes in impossible and that He uses dreams, goals, and plans that look like they have been placed in the tomb or the grave for good to prove His power, His might and His sovereignty. I was really comforted and excited because somehow I felt like even though my life seems to be way off course I believe that I am right where God wants me to be in order to be able to fulfill those promises that He has given me and to make the impossible, possible for me.

Then on Sunday Pastor Brooks, the associate pastor at Victory Christian Center, gave us a message that the Lord gave him. It was not the original message that he had intended to share that day but he felt led by the Lord to give it to us. He spoke on Acts 3:1-10. He spoke about Peter and John were on their way to the temple and they passed a man who was lame since birth who was begging outside the temple. The man saw them and believed that if he asked they would give him some money. Peter responded that he didn't have any money but what he did have was the name of Jesus. He commanded the lame man to get up and walk in the name of Jesus. Peter and John helped the man up and immediately he received strength in his legs and ankles and he leaped up and praised God into the temple. The man had never walked before, he never had a first step. But when Peter used the name of Jesus instantly the man was able to do something that should have been physically impossible for him to do given that his body had never had that experience before. Pastor Brooks emphasized what Christine had spoke of the night before: there is nothing that is too difficult for God. Pastor Brooks went on a side trip to talk about the fact that the man who had spoken in the name of Jesus to the lame man, Peter, had denied Jesus three times on the night that He was taken in to the authorities after being betrayed by Judas. But Jesus forgave Peter and still used him. Pastor Brooks talked about how even when we think that we are unusable or that we are done with or through that God can still use us. There are no hopeless cases with God.

Often I have felt like I have reached the end. I have felt like my whole life was over before it even had a chance to begin. But I was encouraged this weekend that God is not through with me yet and that He has great plans for my future no matter how impossible it seems that it might happen. I have to judge Him faithful who gave me the promise to begin with and I have to believe that God is able to make up for lost time as in the case with the lame man at the temple. God made up for all those years that he had never walked, lept, ran or hopped in an instant. God can cause a turnaround and a change in circumstances in an instant. Both Christine Caine and Pastor Brooks left with parting words of making this a year of believing God for the impossible. Christine urged her audience to take God out of the box and to stop shrinking Him down to size and limiting Him from doing what He has already planned for us to do. The plans that He has for us are exceedingly and abundantly above anything that we can ask, think, or imagine (Ephesians 3:20). God is faithful and He keeps His promises to us.

Coffee Break

Today was different for me in that I actually spent it out of the house. There were errands to run this morning and then I had tutoring this afternoon. It was a nice day to be out driving. While I was trying to figure out what to do with the two hours until tutoring that I had I happened upon an independent coffeehouse called Central Coffee Co. It's on Central Ave south of Hawthorne Ave in Charlotte. It's so tiny that if you blink you'll miss it. I decided that I would go in and have some coffee and read until it was time to leave. I fortunately was able to get a parking space in it's 5-7 space lot and went inside. It's really small with maybe 5 tables and a small space with 4 chairs around a very low table in the back. They have all the usual suspects that regular coffee places have. If you have a fear of ordering in Starbucks sizes you will find relief at their small, medium and large menu. They also serve pastries and a few breakfast items. There could be lunch too but I forgot to look at the selections. However I did notice that they serve baklava, which I filed for next time's visit. The barista was really nice and made me a great medium decaf vanilla soy latte in a green mug. Green is my most favorite color so I was pretty excited. The shop was quiet until some chatty customers who sat in the back came in. But other than that it was a nice place to breakaway for ordinary. I was so happy as well because I really wanted to be able to find a great independent coffeehouse in Charlotte. Although there are a few in NoDa, that section of town is so crowded because of it's popularity that it can be overwhelming going there at times. But in the middle of the day Central Coffee Co hits the spot. I will definitely be venturing there again. Also I should mention that there is an Appalachian State connection as well. So I felt right at home.

Unwanted

Over the last week I have been reading the book of Genesis. I started the story of Jacob this week and hadn't really taken anything away from it until I began thinking about something that I heard last year. Last year at my church in New Jersey I heard a minister named Dr. David Minor speak on the Leah's in our lives. He was talking about the things that happen to us or we get stuck with that we'd like to go back and erase or just forget existed altogether. He spoke about how Jacob had labored, hard, for seven years for Rachel, Leah's younger, more beautiful, sister. When the seven years he had worked were over he expected to receive Rachel in return for his hard work. Instead his crooked uncle Laban gave him Leah instead. Jacob was understandably upset. He loved Rachel and he had worked really hard with the expectation of marrying Rachel. It's interesting to me that Jacob's name means deceiver. He had to flee from home to avoid being killed by his brother after deceiving their father for his brother's blessing. But I'm sure that's a different blog for a different day. But even though Jacob had been deceived by Laban and hadn't gotten what he had been working for all those years he couldn't give Leah back, she was now his wife. And he completed another seven years of work for Rachel but he was still stuck with Leah. Leah was unwanted. She was the older sister, the less beautiful sister, and just not the one that Jacob had wanted. But it's interesting to see how even though Leah was unwanted she remained with Jacob until her death and they were eventually buried together. Leah bore Jacob six sons, half the tribe of Israel, and she outlived the more beautiful Rachel, who died giving birth to Jacob's last son. It's interesting that Leah, the one he didn't want, was the one that was with him the longest. And Dr. Minor pointed out that most likely in his old age Leah brought Jacob comfort. Even though he didn't want her in the beginning she became a constant in his life and probably someone that he came to depend on as he got older.

When I started thinking about this it made me think of how there are dreams that we all have and sometimes we are crazy enough to pursue them. They seem out of reach because they take a long time to happen but then when they seem to be close to being grasped there's a shift or an unexpected or unwanted occurrence. Maybe it's a delay or you find yourself saying, "This would be perfect if only..." or maybe it's a surprise. I read Priscilla Shirer's book Life Interrupted last year and she spoke about how she felt like things were going along smoothly and then one day she found out that she was having a third child which she had not expected. In addition to having an addition to their family the timing just was not convenient for her and her family, her husband and two young sons. She worried about having another child in addition to the responsibilities that she already had but eventually just got on board with the plan. I wonder if that is what happened with Jacob. He probably resented Leah in the beginning because even though it was her father's idea to have her marry Jacob she didn't say anything. My Women's Devotional Bible devotion on this story says that we can never know if Leah was a willing participant or not but the fact of the matter is that she went through with it. But maybe eventually Jacob just accepted that Leah was as much his wife as Rachel and he just got on board with that fact. I think sometimes we spend a lot of time trying to resist Leahs from being in our lives. We spend a lot of time fighting them when we should accept them and know that there is a reason and purpose to them that perhaps we can't see at the very beginning but further up the road they will bring us comfort in lessons learned or experiences that are priceless to building character or giving us valuable insight. I have Leahs in my life for sure and I am not sure what they all have meant and do mean. But I hope that at some point in my life that I can accept these Leahs and not continually see them as unwanted.

Happy Birthday Blog/Just Wait

Today is the two year anniversary of my blog! Yay! Who knew that two years could fly by so quickly! But here we are two years later. When I started this blog I was going through a time of crisis and despair. I had just learned a week before Christmas that the job that I thought I was going to get in D.C., I was not even going to be in the candidate pool for. I was so depressed. I didn't want to be in New Jersey and I was trying desperately to figure out how to either get back to D.C. or how to get to New York. A week or so after I started the blog I moved my things out of my apartment in D.C., which was the final nail in my D.C. coffin. It took a long time to let go of that because I was so sad over the loss. There was the loss of what I felt I had worked so hard for, the loss of the dream I had had of living in D.C. for almost 5 years before I got there and then the wondering about what was going to happen in the future. I felt so tossed about and like I was hopeless. I started reading a book called Consider Lily by two Christian authors and got the idea for starting a blog from the main character in that book to keep a log of all these things going on in my life.

Fast forward two years. I am not in crisis and still waging a war with depression at times but things have worked out albeit not in the way that I had hoped or planned. I had never planned on moving back to North Carolina and never thought that I would actually miss living in New Jersey. I still don't know what God's plan is for me but I am waiting for revelation of that knowledge which brings me to the second part of the blog's title. This year I began reading the Bible from the beginning as I have done for the last two years. I have been reading the story of Abraham starting last week into this week. The story of Abraham becomes more and more identifiable to me as I read it more because of the waiting that Abraham had to go through. I first started seeing some parallels to Abraham in my life back in 2009 when I started a Bible study on how to be God's friend, which focused on the story of Abraham. Then after re-reading the story over the past few years I began to understand more and more what he must have been going through. God had told Abraham to leave his family and journey to a land that he didn't know. Then he told him that he would make him a father of many nations and that he would have offspring that would be innumerable. Abraham couldn't see how this was going to happen because God started telling him this when he was 75 years old. Abraham was already considered an old man at that point and God was telling him that he was going to be a father. So Abraham waited and the years passed and there was still not a clue that he was going to become a father as far as his natural eyes could see. When Abraham was 87 his wife Sarah decided to take matters into her own hands and have Abraham have a child with her servant Hagar. That was Sarah's plan and Abraham went along with it but that was not God's plan. So they created Ishmael. But God continued to tell them that He was going to give them their own son. So when Abraham was 100 and Sarah was 99 they had Isaac. I'm sure Abraham must have wondered why God waited so long and when he and Sarah were past their prime to give them a child. Abraham and Sarah had waited for 25 years! That's a long time. I have been waiting for a full time job for 4 1/2 years and it has felt like an eternity, I certainly don't envy Abraham and his 25 year wait. But I think one of the lessons in this story of Abraham is about not letting go of what God has spoken to you and also trusting him that He will do whatever He has said He will do no matter how long it takes. Waiting appeared several times in my devotional time last week. Not only in what I was reading in the Bible but also my Oswald Chambers devotional and my Women's Devotional Bible devotion. Waiting is not easy and I have heard several preachers teach on it. And they all have said that if you are waiting on something from God you have to believe that it is worth the wait and that it will happen at the right time. I blogged recently about how I looked up the biblical meaning of 30 at the end of last year and found out that it means "the right moment". Sometimes I find myself hoping that the right moment will be today or tomorrow and I am disappointed when it isn't. I desperately crave and desire a change in my circumstances and I want to have stability in my life. I never imagined that my life would take the course that it has. I never imagined that I wouldn't have a "real" job or that I would spend the last years of my twenties living with my parents or that I would still be looking for a "real" job at this point in my life. I just never imagined myself here. And I feel panicked and anxious about the fact that I don't know how to fix or solve this problem. Today in my devotion I read Proverbs 19:2 which says, "A man's folly ruins his life, yet his heart rages against the Lord." And I could really identify with that because I often have made bad decisions and then get mad at God when He doesn't help me out of them but like the verse says it's our own fault when we find ourselves in certain situations. But I also believe that when we repent and accept our own role in our circumstances and ask God for help He will either help us out of the situation or He will walk with us through it until we get to the other side of it. I have several things going on in my life that are sources of stress and strain right now and I have prayed and believed that God will help me. And I know that He will either deliver me from it or that He will walk with me through it. Either way I am not alone in the situation. Another verse that I read today was a source of encouragement as well Psalm 27:13,14 "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Sometimes I just want to go, I just want to be able to do what I would like to do, go where I want to go, and have what I would like to have but I feel bound or restrained. But I take courage in what David said that we will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Things haven't gone the way that I've wanted and haven't been the way that I would like but I believe that they are and will get better. And I believe that it will happen if I wait on the Lord, if I seek His wisdom and council and help. I believe that He will help me and He will guide me and lead me out of this valley that I have been in. So I am encouraged even though it feels like I've only moved an inch in two years, I know that like Abraham that my promise is on it's way and I will continue to wait for it until it is the right moment for it to happen.