Out of Mourning

Yesterday I was getting ready for church and I had a desire to put on makeup. I usually don't wear makeup even though there was a time when I rarely left home without it. It occurred to me that I wasn't wearing makeup normally like I used to because I didn't feel like I had anywhere to go or anything significant to do and it didn't matter if I looked good or not. As I was putting the makeup on it also dawned on me that I hadn't wanted to wear makeup over the last year because I somehow was letting my face show the feelings that I had inside about all the things that I was going through. When I use to live in DC I wore makeup everyday all the time and I took pride in doing my makeup. Then when my life changed so suddenly and without explanation I just stopped wearing it. I realized that I stopped wearing it because I felt like I had no reason to, as if any reason to be happy was gone. I let sadness and unhappiness sink in because I was mourning over the loss of the things that I thought I would have in DC. I was mourning the loss of working at the Smithsonian, living in DC, and the life that I had imagined I would have there. In New Jersey it took a while to get adjusted to being here and living with my dad. It took a long time to develop friendships and it took a long time to accept that this is where I was supposed to be. I was still looking backward hoping that somehow I would wake up from this dream of seeing everything disappear before my eyes and things would be "normal" again. What it took me this past year to find out was that I had a new "normal". I wasn't going back to DC because I had been planted in New Jersey. God has a plan for me here in NJ and I had to go through some difficulty to get here but this is where I am supposed to be. Over the past year I think outwardly I recognized this but inwardly I was still hoping that things would go back to my own plan for my life and what that looked like. It took putting on makeup yesterday for me to get a revelation of the fact that I can start again here and that if God wants me here and completely snatched me out of my plan to make sure I got here then I need to embrace being here and be happy that I am in NJ. I'm still in a test of my trust in God. I have no clue as to what is going on but I have realized for myself that I can have peace in the midst of uncertainty and not knowing and that is enough to make anyone happy. Even happy enough to put on their makeup!

Just Be Thankful

Just Be Thankful is one of my favorite old school 70s R&B jams but it is also a lens through which I need to look. There are many things that I wish were different in my life and many things that I want and need changed. But over the course of the last week those things have proven to not matter so much anymore. It was only a week ago that Japan was rocked by this horrible tsunami and earthquake that has killed almost 7,000 people, has 10,000 plus people missing and has displaced almost a half a million people. In light of what is going on in Japan I can definitely except the things I cannot change. And Japan is just another event in this year of already monumental events. Already this year there have been uprisings in Egypt, Bahrain, Jordan, and Libya. There was severe flooding in Australia and an earthquake at Christchurch in New Zealand. All these natural disasters that we cannot change just prove to us that we have to be thankful for what we have and then be sure to help those that are in need. Speaking of helping those in need, I've been really surprised to see that the response in charitable giving for Japan has been surprisingly much lower than to other natural disaster relief efforts such as Haiti and Hurricane Katrina. I wondered myself what the reason was and it was actually what was guessed by a CNN correspondent. The CNN correspondent guessed that there was a lower number of donations because of Japan's status as the third most powerful economy in the world. And even though Japan does have a powerful economy they have very present needs that they are not able to meet on their own. They need shelter, food, clothing, medicine, and help with clean up. So I hope that there will be more of a response in the coming weeks in order to help meet the needs that the Japanese have. As someone who is strapped for cash at the moment. I'm giving what I can and praying that they get more. The situation is just really devastating. It also makes me wonder how long it will take for Japan to return to some sense of normal. Will they ever be able to get back to normal? Haiti is still reeling from it's quake over a year ago and they still need help even though they aren't on the evening news every night. With so much destruction and uncertainty it is comforting to know that we have a heavenly Father who cares for us and wants the best for us even when it seems the world is crumbling around us. All we have to do is cry out for His help.

All Stuffed Up

What a weekend! On Thursday I began to get some early cold symptoms. Then on Friday things progressed to a full on head cold. I could bearly stand without a headache and dizzyness. On Saturday I couldn't breathe out of my nose and I was quickly going through our new supply of Kleenex. Saturday and Sunday were a blur although Sunday things were looking up because I had a nostril to breathe out of and not being able or fit to go anywhere I got to watch My Fair Lady which I haven't watched all the way through in a long time. Yesterday I was feeling better but still experiencing difficulty with breathing and congestion. But things looked up last night. It took tons of Robitussin, Alka Seltzer Severe Nasal Congestion and Cough, and Vick's Vapo Rub but I am feeling closer to normal now. You never appreciate your health as much as when it gets challanged. So glad to be headed back towards good health.

Is It Really Only March?

Is it just me or does it seem that there has been much more crammed into the beginning of this year than any other year. I feel like the last two months have been six months. But I am glad that my year has been a lot busier than I thought it would be. January was great and then February although short was filled with good things too and March has gotten off to a good start too. This week was the week to finish up loose ends of the project I've been working on and that's coming together. There will probably be a little more work to do in the coming weeks but the end is in sight. I was hard pressed to find the motivation or energy to get things done but now I realize that no matter what I do I really do love research even if it may not be a topic that I get really excited about. This morning I realized that when I had to track down a watercolor drawing from the 19th century to it's original owner which happened to be in Canada. I realized that I love research! I love doing it and I love finding things and finding out about them. So I know that I am doing the right work. I was really excited and happy about that. And I am excited for more projects to come and believe that I will reach my goal of being able to be a full time curator with a museum.

In the mean time I am learning to be an adult and take care of my responsibilities. I got a reality "check" in the mail last week for a bill that I have owed on for a long time. Just as I was thinking about all the great things that I would be able to soon afford after having finished my work and received my check from the work. I soon remembered "Oh yeah" I have bills I need to pay. So I was actually happy to tally up all the things that I owe and realize that I would be able to pay several of them off in full and still be able to have a little spending money for things that I need and some things that I want. That was a great moment because I was really tempted to fall back into the old bad habits that led to me owing the bills that I am about to pay off. But through the help of the Lord and the agency that sent me the notice I realized I needed to make sure that before I go out adding more stuff to my stuff I needed to make sure that I have cleared all of my debts. I still have some things that I am in no position to pay but I believe that the Lord will help me to be in a position to be able to take care of. It was exciting and I was and am thankful to be able to take care of things that will make me feel good to be able to take care of and then will also take care of the agency having to send out a notice to me and waste the paper. It all works out!

PS- Next week I get to go to Beacon, NY my first foray into the upstate NY area in over a year. I'm really excited about my research "field trip"!

All My Energy

Lately I have felt that it takes all of my energy just to be awake. I feel kind of weighed down. I'm not sure why. I am drawing near the end of the project that I have been working on for the last month and I am hoping that all the parts come together by Friday. But I admit that it has been more difficult trying to find these images than I thought it would be. I have been searching for the most difficult ones for several weeks and thought that the ones I am searching for now would be the easiest. However, they are proving to be more difficult. But I feel that as long as I do my best and pursue every avenue then I have done my job. But I think I am perplexed as well by the difficulty that I am having because the images are so simple. Over the past month I have been looking for slavery images and images of black people doing specific jobs in a time period when black life in America was not really chronicled. And I amazingly had success in finding what I needed to satisfy most of the images needed. Now I am looking for garden images. Images that should be pretty easy to locate and they are proving to be much harder than slavery. I need 19th century garden images and images of gardens in spring and of gardeners in the 19th century. But these images are proving to be rather illusive. But I have been praying about this project the whole time and believe that the Lord led me to all the images that I thought would be difficult to find and now I have to pray and believe that I will find the images that I need now. I am not going to worry or be anxious or fearful about it. Ironically, I was just reading a devotion about this today. So I just need to keep praying and keep believing that this will all work out the way that it needs to. I think I am not worrying on the outside but in my subconscious and in my mind there are thoughts of worry and discontentment. I think part of me is wondering why I am working on a gardening project when I would be much more efficient on a historical project and why hasn't the Lord provided a project for me that would be easier for me to do. But it is all about being thankful. I am so thankful to have the project that I have, it will be my first NY project that I have completed, and when I was looking to pursue something else I was brought back into the project which meant a lot to me because it said that they thought that I had done a good job with the work that I did last year for it. This project has been a challenge for me and I know that the difficult circumstances and trials of this project are just a test. It's testing my patience, my motivation, and my nerves. But I know that I can do and I want to do it because there are few things more rewarding than something that looked like you couldn't do it but then you are able to overcome that and everything works out alright. So I am not going to fear or be anxious and I am going to give it my best and trust the Lord to do what I can't do.

A Foodie's Dream Come True

Last night I went to a dinner with some friends from church. It was so fun. This couple is from Guyana and they fixed us some of their favorite foods from their country. It was so delicious! Everything was seasoned well and there was chicken, rice, mac and cheese, chow mein and wonderful soup. It was so great! And besides the food we had wonderful conversation and really enjoyed learning about these people that I had just met and my dad has known for about a year. So I was really glad to be out and about and not just sitting home all weekend not doing anything. Plus I made it home in time to be able to see the rest of the Oscars which, what I saw of it, was really good. So I had a really great weekend and met some really great people.

So this is the last day of February and I have just a few days to go until I finish my Brown project. I am feeling really good about January and February. There have been some bumps in the road but I am really happy for how things have gone and I think that things will get better continuously. I'm excited for what March holds and I am going back into job hunting with a vengeance. I get to visit NC for a little bit for a change of place and pace and I get to be able to see some friends and family while I'm there. It's going to be a good month I feel. So I am just going to maintain a positive attitude and practice my Power Thoughts. So long February!

Congratulations

Last year in June I blogged about my cousin who got married in Madison. Well I have just learned that she is going to have a baby later this year. I can't believe it! This is the person who I used to pretend to drive to fake destinations with in the car and now she is getting ready to start her own family. It's amazing being on this side of the fence now because we aren't the ones who are growing up and being doted on as little kids now it's our kids (well not my kids yet) but it's amazing that we are at this point in our lives now. I'm just awed at this fact and the quickness with which life passes by.