Joyce Meyer wrote these words in her bestseller Battlefield of the Mind. They were true when I read them over a year ago and they are still true for me now. I am in a waiting process and I have no idea where I am headed. However, I know that it will be better than where I have been and that is because God is in control of it all. I have run out of myself and am no longer reliant on me. I had several devotionals this morning that spoke to this point and I realize that daily I must make a decision to not complain about how long it takes for me to get where I am going. I used to look at the future in fear like, "What's going to happen to me?" And usually I would be thinking about what negative things were going to happen to me. But over the last month I have moved from that mindset to thinking, "What good things are going to happen to me in the future?" I believe that the future holds nothing but good things. There will always be challanges and trials but I believe that I have been through this trial because I am headed somewhere that I really want and need to be. It excites me because I am ready for it. I used to draw from self-pity and trying to seek out pity and sympathy from others but now I can't wait to get back into the race and to do whatever it is I am supposed to be doing. And I know that what is going on in my life right now is what I am supposed to be doing but I am ready for fulfilling my purpose in life. I am ready to get out of this apartment and out of this town. I want to live in New York, and work in New York, and hopefully meet my future husband in New York. I want it so badly. But I believe that all of that will happen when it is supposed to. I think for now though it's important to have the vision of doing those things and trusting that it will happen.
Tonight I watched Bethenny Getting Married? on Bravo. She was talking about how she had waited for the right man and wanted to get married and have a baby for so long and I could not help but feel like I wanted that too. It's weird with me. I go back and forth. I think deep down I do want to be married and have my own family. But I think at times I convince myself that I don't care if it does or doesn't happen because if it didn't I wouldn't want to be disappointed. But you know I really do want it but I am not counting on that to define me. It's so funny that this year is my 10th high school reunion and I know that so many people that I grew up with will be going and they will have spouses with them and be talking about having homes and children. I am just not there yet and I am not sure that I want to be just yet. But I know that there is a part of me that wants that too. I also want a dog. I just love animals and I really feel incomplete not having one. I had a fish named, Harry, for a year and a half and he died last June. It was so nice when I would come home and he was there. I didn't live with anyone and often times I was without plans and it was just nice to come home to something other than silence. Plus it made me feel good to take care of him. So I really don't think I want another fish, Harry was the best one that I had ever had but it has been a long time since I've had a pet. I really think that the next pet should be a dog. I have longed for a pure bred German Shepard since I was a little girl and I really can't wait to have one of my own. I think I would like to have my own home definitely if I was to have that kind of dog just because it would be cruel to keep a dog that big in a tiny apartment.
This has been one random blog! I don't know why but if you are reading it know that I had a very introspective kind of day and I think it all just came out here.
Until tomorrow!
PS- You may be diverted, distracted and feel defeated, but if you move forward, you will get there. - Bethenny Frankel
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