5 Days til...

My cousin is getting married this Saturday! It's hard to believe that the day is here already. But yesterday I went out and got the last part of my bridesmaid's dress at David's Bridal and also picked up a matching purse at Macy's. My family is pretty small because my dad is an only child and my mom has three siblings. So this my first cousin on my mom's side and the event is more special because she is the first of my generation to get married. I think it's going to be a great event and we also get to go back to my mom's hometown of Madison, NC which I have not been to in quite a while. It will be interesting to see family I have not seen in a long time and see how the town has changed. I must admit that I have a little anxiety about the day because I haven't got all the details but I know it will all work out for the best. My cousin didn't have a whole lot of help but I think she did a great job with having to plan the whole on her own. As I was picking out the things that I needed to get for the wedding yesterday it just occured to me how you think about these events happening in your life or your relative's lives but you're never completely prepared for them. I wonder how my uncle feels, my cousin's father, about seeing his only daughter walk down the aisle this weekend and that he will be the one to give her away ironically to a man that has the same name just spelled a different way. I am really anticipating the event and can't wait to live through the experience. It's going to be a great day and I look forward to being a part of it.

Time Flies...

Time in general is flying by at a rapid pace and this year is flying by as well. There is so much that has happened to me this year, much of it in the last three weeks. In the next week I will be traveling home to Charlotte, NC and then going to Greensboro, NC to attend my oldest first cousin's wedding. It is amazing that it had almost been a year since she told me that she was planning to get married on June 19 and it is amazing that she is the first cousin that I have who is getting married. I am really happy for her and cannot wait to attend this event and see my family and enjoy this day. It is going to be exciting! But I think that life events, especially weddings make you think about how much time has passed. My cousin who is getting married is only 5 months older than me. And we used to play together and pretend drive in my mom's car together and eat junk food together and stay up late playing and laughing together. It is just still amazing to me that we are at the age where we are getting married and having children. Then again we are not spring chickens, even though we are only in out twenties. In the past week I scaled back my Facebook friends because I realized that many of the people I saw when I logged into the account I didn't even know or did not know anymore. OF course I kept the ones that mean something to me and whose relationships I cherish. I surveyed the list of friends and saw that some are married, some have children, some have moved, and others are just living life. It's amazing where life carries you and what you experience. I listened to the Christian XM station The Message last week and I heard some songs that are new to me and I guess new music in general. Many of them were describing where I am in my natural and spiritual life. I am in the beginning of the next chapter of my life post - Washington, DC and the beginning of a spiritual revival that was much needed in my life. It feels good and cathartic to see the world with new eyes and to have a new vision. I finished reading a book by Eric and Leslie Ludy called When God Writes Your Life Story. That book confirmed a lot of things that I had been hearing lately in my own church (which I will be a member of in two weeks!) and on television programs that I have been watching. We have to make a decision about how we're going to live our lives. I have really been focusing on what in my life has been separating me from God and from living a Christ-focused and centered life and the more inventory that I take on myself the more I learn and realize there are numerous things I have to change and be more careful about. And they are simply things that I didn't know or hadn't lived enough life to apply to my life before the last two years. But I have been learning so much and growing so much in the areas of my life that needed it the most. And I am of course not finished, I am a work in progress but I feel more in progress than I was 6 or 7 months ago rather than the stalemate I felt that I was in before and during that time. It feels really good. On top of fresh teaching and fresh music I have revisited some old music too. I have been listening to dcTalk, my FAVORITE band growing up and realizing how profound those lyrics are in their 90s and early 2000s songs. When I fisrt got hooked to their music I was in elementary and middle school, their last album came when I was a senior in high school. Looking back now that I am older and have lived more life I can really identify with those lyrics on a whole other level. It feels good to have grown up mentally, physically and spiritually and be able to experience their music in another capacity. All in all things are going so well. I know it is a result of casting all of my cares on the One who cares for me. Without casting my cares on Jesus it's just me and I can't fight my battle alone and many times at all. I am still finding out what my purpose is but now I feel confident in knowing that I have a purpose and that it will be accomplished as long as I stay in God's will. I have know idea where I am headed but I know that God has the map and I am content to follow along.

On To the Next Thing

I made it to the end of my project but not without some difficulty. It has been very hard to remain motivated because a majority of the work has been finished. But while I put together the list of things that had been completed over the last two weeks, I realized that I had accomplished many things that are going to benefit the project. I was really happy that over the last week there were some new resources that proved to be really helpful and some people that proved to be really helpful as well. I'm really happy that a bunch of images and information that we need, we will be able to have. Although I felt terrible last week and this week I didn't feel so great I made it through and I accomplished the things I needed to.

Meanwhile, this afternoon I got unexpected news that the job that I had put in for a few weeks ago wasn't going to be mine. I logged into the website and saw that although my resume had been under review for two weeks, I wasn't chosen for it. It's a disappointment and I was hoping that this time the scenario would turn out differently but I guess this just was not my time or the right job for me. But I have to keep going anyhow. It's especially difficult after the last two weeks when there was so many positive things happening. But I know that not getting this job doesn't cancel out those positive things that have been going on. I have to keep hoping and keep waiting. It's hard but I can't give up. Many cliches apply here (It's always darkest before the dawn) but I know that everything is going to work out the way that it needs to and should.

I believe that even though I thought this job would finally be the victory I had been looking forward to for so long there will be something greater to come at the right time that is exactly what I want and need.

A God Scripted Life

I realize that my blogging has not gotten any better but I have had really good reasons for being off the radar. I developed another head cold last week and I was trying to only be online when I had to and was asleep the rest of the time. But I also had some awesome things happen that were far away from the Internet. The main awesome thing was that I received confirmation that New Jersey ( at least for now, hopefully New York in the future) is where I am supposed to be right now. I was in my new fellowship class at church for the information session and the Lord spoke through one of the ministers there are told me that I was in the right place and that I was going to be planted like a tree by the rivers of water (Psalm 1). I was also told that I was in transition but the transition was complete. I was extremely thrilled by this revelation and it completely changed my outlook on life. Knowing that you are where you're supposed to be is so satisfying because it means that I didn't get here by mistake and I am not far away from where I should be or making guesses about where to go but I am perfectly on track and being led where I need to go. I also went to a conference at church and this past weekend and it was so great. For the last two years I have been going through a lot and I didn't always know why. I got confused, upset, angry, frustrated, depressed, sad, and overwhlemed on a weekly if not daily basis. I got little snippets and insights into what was going on and what I needed to do. But I still didn't know what was going on or what was happening to me. But over a three day weekend I got more insight than I had in a year. I thought back to Pastor Dave's words for me the previous weekend and realized that I was getting the revelation of what was going on the past two years that got me to where I needed to be. I think if I had known all this beforehand I would have just given up somewhere along the way because it was so hard but because I didn't know what was happening I had to keep going because I was desperate to get to a place of understanding and that was not going to happen where I was. So I finally got the revelation of what the process had been and why the process was what it was. I feel like like I am very close to my breakthrough and I feel like a new chapter has begun. I can turn the page on what was or could have been if everything went like I wanted to and just know now that I am in the right place at the right time and I am moving forward to what God had purposed me for: my specific life plan. Last week I was in the bookstore and I was looking for something to read because I had finished all my books at home. I scowered the shelves and looked for titles that seemed to grab my attention. I found several and most of them had to do with trials and circumstances and making it through the difficult times. Then there was one that stood out about having the life that you have always imagined and more. It's called "When God Writes Your Life Story". I put away all those other books and decided that I was going to read about having the life I always wanted not the life of staying in a pit and walking in circles around the same issues. I decided that I wanted to focus on the promise God spoke and that that meant that I was coming out and that I already had victory over this situation. Then I brought the book home and started reading it and realized that not only was that book exactly what I needed but it was confirming things that I had just learned this past weekend at the conference. To live the life you have dreamed of having if not one that is better than what you have imagined you have to be completely sold out for God. You have to center your life completely around him in every way and you have to give yourself over to his will and purpose which is to have relationship with you and to use you for his purpose. Such revelation. One of the key points that the authors Eric and Leslie Ludy point out is that you can't live half in and half out of a Christian life, you have to be completely committed. It seems like a lot to give but what you give is nothing compared to what you gain which is a life with purpose, a personal relationship with God and a life that is scripted in a way that you would never be able to author on your own. Eric and Leslie put you though a spiritual boot camp in their book. The questions are not easy to answer because it involves looking at yourself in a very revealing light. But if you aren't completely honest and open about even your deepest secrets then how can you completely turn your full self over to the Lord? You have to be willing to yield control and exercise strong patience and trust that God can turn you into the person you need, want and were created to be and that you will get to where you need to be when you need to get there. I am so glad to know that things are working even when I can't see them and that patience does work even when it seems to not be.

Galatians 6:9

I Have Been a Neglectful Blogger

Hello Blogging World! I have been a really bad blogger with good reason mind you. I was ill for about a month and during that time it was all that I could do to soldier on for my contract work let alone think of creative things to blog. But I am back now and hoping to make a more conscious effort to blog consistently.

Sadly, I don't even know what was going on in my life the last time that I blogged. But I can't believe that it is May. Right now the three things that are preoccupying my mind and time are looking for jobs (STILL), finishing my contract work, and preparing for my cousin's wedding next month. The wedding thing is the most interesting because I grew up with this cousin, unlike my other cousins who are 7 years or more younger than me. We used to see each other very often and we went on family vacations together and I stayed at her house and she stayed at mine. We were always together. And it is just so weird that she is already getting married. It still feels like I shouldn't be at this point in my life where people are getting married. And if that were not enough to handle my best friend and sophomore year roommate from college is having a baby this fall. Where did the time go? I think I am even more preoccupied with this because I look at myself and think what in the world have I been doing all this time while these people were establishing relationships that are leading to marriage and families. I was just telling a friend of mine from high school last weekend that I feel like instead of going through my twenties I am in a prolonged teenage-hood. I have no idea how I got here either. I had all these plans and dreams and goals three years ago and when I looked to the future I saw things going in a much different direction. But I guess figuring it all out is what the twenties are for for some of us and for the rest of us we will get a clue at thirty. It is strange that I have about a year and a half of being in my twenties and then it's on to the next decade. Wow, next decade. This year is my tenth high school reunion. I think it will really be an eye opener when I have my 10th college reunion. I am not even going to talk about that. But one of the things that I am trying to focus on is the fact that it is not the destination but the journey. I know that the things that I have been through and the things that I am going through now are making me into who I need to be in the future. And I look forward to getting to that future. It's not just about having things but having relationship with people that you love and enjoying each and everyday whether or not things are exactly the way you would want them or not.It's a hard lesson to learn and to live. This past Sunday at church Pastor Jason was talking about how each of us has a specific plan and purpose for our lives and that plan and purpose is not identical to anyone else's because God created us to be unique and to be the one and only of us that He made. So we shouldn't be trying to copy someone else. live by someone else's rules, and basically conforming to be like other people. I am still learning how to be free to be me. As Joyce Meyer says, "You're Who is NOT Your DO." Meaning we are not what we do for a living or who we know or what we can provide for someone else each one of us matters and serves a purpose because we are created to fill a certain need. If all you can do is smile or give a hug or be a friend or send a note of encouragement then you do that to it's best and it's fullest and don't worry about what everyone else is doing. It's taking awhile but I am learning this lesson too. I am still trying to figure out/waiting to find out what I am good at, what my gifts and talents are and what my purpose is. I know that I have to become the person I need to be in order to fulfill my purpose and my calling and I am still being shaped into that person. And it does get frustrating along the way. For so long I felt like a loser because I felt that I needed to be where many of my peers are. And two and a half years ago I felt like I was headed in their same direction. Then all of a sudden there was a fork in the road and I went right and they went left. It was a very long journey just to get to the understanding that I still had worth and value even if my bank account was low and I worked for a piddly amount of money compared to what my friends were earning. But I have learned to take joy in the small things and in the things that I can do. Two exciting things that are happening this week are that I went to get Greek food today (my favorite food) and learned that there is a Greek festival this weekend! Yay! I am looking forward to hopefully going to that if the weather is nice. And thanks to a blessing from the Lord I have the money to pay a bill that I need to pay this week when I didn't think that I would have the money to do it. Two years ago I would have had a poor me attitude and would have been justifying it with a sense of entitlement. But I am overjoyed that there is a Greek festival going on and that I am paying a bill and getting closer to not being in a financial hole any longer. And I also believe that very soon I will be writing a post about my new job in the City. And I look forward to it but I am patiently waiting for the time that it is supposed to happen instead of trying to force it to happen on my own.

Any way all this to say that this is life. Life as I used to think is not something that when you get it together you enter into but these things are the things that make life and I am fine with that now and I know that many people out there are going through the same thing and I wish them well on their journey and I know that they will come out on the other side!

PS- RIP Lena Horne (1917-2010) She was a truly beauty and legend and there will never be another like her!

Vegan Again

So this past week has been a little rough. I developed a horrible head cold that I thought was allergy related until I couldn't breathe out of my nose and I had a tremendous amount of coughing and blocked ears. It started last Saturday and by Tuesday I couldn't even sit up without a headache. But I think the worst has passed and I am glad to say that I am on the way to recovery. But the cold made me think seriously about my health and how I need to take better care of my body. Over the past 6 months since I left DC (can it have been that long already!) I have gained a shocking amount of weight from inactivity and bad food choices. Over the course of the past week I thought back to a happier time in my life where I was managing my weight and I looked and felt great. Surprisingly that time was when I went vegan for about a month and a half in the summer of 2008. The pounds melted off and I slept and felt better that I had ever in my life and I had a ton of energy. So I was already in the frame of mind to get started on my new vegan path when I had to go to David's Bridal to try on my bridesmaid's dress for my cousin's wedding in June. Umm...needless to say I was shocked on the number on the tag. Omigosh! I knew formal wear was not forgiving but holy crap. So after the trauma of being in a fitting room that had almost shear fabric covering the tiny entrance way so that you were not shielded from the public or passersby in the changing room, I headed home thinking about the fact that going vegan was not a leisurely choice anymore it was necessity. So next week the journey Veganland begins. I'm more than ready for it because I have become so uncomfortable and I don't want to feel so sluggish and tired or have to squeeze myself into my clothes any more. So it's vegan, again.

On This Perfect Day...

Today is definitely a wonderful day! It's gorgeous outside and me not being an outside kind of person could not be more shocked that I feel that way. But I woke up this morning in a kind of fog. I was up resisting sleeping for a long time last night and then I went to sleep and didn't sleep fully which I don't know why I do that but I had a long day after going to the New York Historical Society and getting to handle documents over one hundred years old. After that I took a long walk down to Rockefeller Center where I saw Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. After the show I took the train to New Jersey and got home at almost 10. No wonder I was a little loopy this morning. But I got up and did some work and then watched a little tv. Afterwards I went outside and could not believe it was so nice out there. I drove with the windows down and my favorite music on. It was great! Everyone was driving with their windows down and I think people were in a better mood altogether. It was wonderful. I wished that I had somewhere I needed to be in order to keep driving or that I could get around Woodbridge without getting lost.But I was running out of gas and I wanted to get home to eat lunch which was a Chicken BLT salad from Wendy's and a baked potato, yum! I also got to watch the end of one of my favorite movies, Frequency. I absolutely love this movie and was so excited to see it on. After lunch I did some work and I then took a nap because my body would not move or read one more inch.

It was not the most interesting day but it felt good. I enjoyed today. I have been enjoying other days as well but I really just got to be today and I think it's important to do that everyday. Plus it helped that today felt like the most perfect spring day ever. Maybe I just haven't been paying attention or living in the wrong place during past springs but this was one of the best days ever!