There Goes June

Well this week is the close of one month and the beginning of a new one. It's so hard to believe that the month is already over. I can't believe that this weekend is already the 4th of July. I am looking forward to it because I am hoping to go to Liberty State Park in Jersey City to watch the fireworks over the Hudson. I am looking so forward to it.

Yesterday I finished my last new members class at Love of Jesus Family Church. So in July I will receive the right hand of fellowship with my fellow class members. I am really excited about being able to finally have a church that I belong to. I also am looking forward to joining a ministry team and being able to work with the church more. It's a really exciting time for me there. Tomorrow my pastor,Jason Alvarez will be on TBN at 10 pm!

June seems to have just quickly passed me by but I am assured that each passing month will bring joys of its own. I experienced my cousin's wedding this month and got to see family that I hadn't seen in so long. I also started to venture out into Woodbridge and finally feel like I know where I am going when I drive around. I even got lost and was able to find my way back.

I am starting to feel more stable and more at peace here and I thank God for that because 8 months ago I did not feel that way at all. But I know that God has a perfect plan for my life and that it will be fulfilled in His perfect timing.

Post Wedding

This past weekend I had the pleasure and honor of serving as a bridesmaid in my cousin Jade's wedding. It was so amazing that the time had come for her to get married. I was really looking forward to seeing her and I was really looking forward to seeing my family too. We got to the rehearsal Friday night and there was a lot going on for the preparation for the next day. Everyone was reminiscing about Jade and growing up with her. The groomsmen and bridesmaids were practicing their walk and memorizing where they were to stand. It all went by so quickly that before I knew it I was back at my hotel calming down with some hot tea and anxiously awaiting the next morning. It was hard to sleep but eventually I went to sleep. The next morning I awoke and got showered and dressed and put my make-up on. I got all my stuff together for the wedding and met my parents downstairs. Unfortunately my hair had exploded from the heat and humidity and we had to stop on the way to the church for me to get a flat iron. Eventually we made it to the church where there were only two other bridesmaids waiting for the orders to get dressed. My cousin arrived shortly after. While we were getting ready everyone was talking and watching my cousin get dressed and helping each other with the finishing touches to their dresses and hair and make-up. It was such a special time and I was so happy to be a part of it. It was just so special to see my cousin enjoy her last moments as a single person before she became Mrs. Jade Neal. We all waited for the directive to go and were summoned downstairs by a harried wedding coordinator. We made it to the dining hall and picked up our bouquets while dashing to the foyer. As soon as we reached the sanctuary doors we were told to go. I barely remember walking down the aisle. But I watched as the rest of the bridesmaids and the matrons of honor filed in and then watched as preparations were made for my cousin and uncle to walk down the aisle: the runner being placed, the ring bearer, and the flower girl. My cousin walked down the aisle with my uncle to the tune of "Endless Love" sung by two of her friends who really put Diana and Lionel to shame. My uncle looked just like my grandfather and I know that he would have been beaming if he had been alive to be there in that moment. The ceremony was traditional and to the point but the bishop gave all of us a sermon about what it means to be a faithful wife and what a find a good wife is. It was really beautiful and before we knew it my cousin was a married woman.

After tons of pictures and greeting relatives I had not seen for way too long we went to the reception. All of our family was reunited together and it felt so good because we all haven't been together in so long. It was really just a beautiful day and we stayed together as long as we could.

I'm so glad that the day happened and so glad that we all had a happy occasion to get together.

P.S. - My hair had a life of it's own that day. I really should have had it set instead of free falling. It looked like a lion's mane!
Congratulations Jade!

The Book of Job

Right now in my personal Bible study I am reading the book of Job. I haven't read it all the way through before but I can say that I appreciate it a lot more than may have before now. As I was reading through the chapters this morning in some of the verses it was like Job was reading my mind from the past two years. The exact feelings and emotions he was expressing I could relate to completely. I kept thinking to myself "Been there, felt that." I am glad that I am reading Job in hindsight and that I am no longer where I used to be because it was not a happy place to be at all. But I think that when your world turns upside down for seemingly no reason it can leave you shell shocked and wondering if you're to blame. It's what we don't know and can't control that scares us the most during those times because if we know what to do and we can have a plan we can feel better and feel like we have some control but when nothing we do changes the situation then we panic. Job was downhearted and depressed. He wished he was dead or rather had never been born. I have definitely had those feelings myself through my transition but what we have to learn is that there is purpose in the pain. As Paula White puts it, " A radical disorientation, for creative transformation." It's worth the wait and if you'll be patient in the process you'll come out better on the other side.

5 Days til...

My cousin is getting married this Saturday! It's hard to believe that the day is here already. But yesterday I went out and got the last part of my bridesmaid's dress at David's Bridal and also picked up a matching purse at Macy's. My family is pretty small because my dad is an only child and my mom has three siblings. So this my first cousin on my mom's side and the event is more special because she is the first of my generation to get married. I think it's going to be a great event and we also get to go back to my mom's hometown of Madison, NC which I have not been to in quite a while. It will be interesting to see family I have not seen in a long time and see how the town has changed. I must admit that I have a little anxiety about the day because I haven't got all the details but I know it will all work out for the best. My cousin didn't have a whole lot of help but I think she did a great job with having to plan the whole on her own. As I was picking out the things that I needed to get for the wedding yesterday it just occured to me how you think about these events happening in your life or your relative's lives but you're never completely prepared for them. I wonder how my uncle feels, my cousin's father, about seeing his only daughter walk down the aisle this weekend and that he will be the one to give her away ironically to a man that has the same name just spelled a different way. I am really anticipating the event and can't wait to live through the experience. It's going to be a great day and I look forward to being a part of it.

Time Flies...

Time in general is flying by at a rapid pace and this year is flying by as well. There is so much that has happened to me this year, much of it in the last three weeks. In the next week I will be traveling home to Charlotte, NC and then going to Greensboro, NC to attend my oldest first cousin's wedding. It is amazing that it had almost been a year since she told me that she was planning to get married on June 19 and it is amazing that she is the first cousin that I have who is getting married. I am really happy for her and cannot wait to attend this event and see my family and enjoy this day. It is going to be exciting! But I think that life events, especially weddings make you think about how much time has passed. My cousin who is getting married is only 5 months older than me. And we used to play together and pretend drive in my mom's car together and eat junk food together and stay up late playing and laughing together. It is just still amazing to me that we are at the age where we are getting married and having children. Then again we are not spring chickens, even though we are only in out twenties. In the past week I scaled back my Facebook friends because I realized that many of the people I saw when I logged into the account I didn't even know or did not know anymore. OF course I kept the ones that mean something to me and whose relationships I cherish. I surveyed the list of friends and saw that some are married, some have children, some have moved, and others are just living life. It's amazing where life carries you and what you experience. I listened to the Christian XM station The Message last week and I heard some songs that are new to me and I guess new music in general. Many of them were describing where I am in my natural and spiritual life. I am in the beginning of the next chapter of my life post - Washington, DC and the beginning of a spiritual revival that was much needed in my life. It feels good and cathartic to see the world with new eyes and to have a new vision. I finished reading a book by Eric and Leslie Ludy called When God Writes Your Life Story. That book confirmed a lot of things that I had been hearing lately in my own church (which I will be a member of in two weeks!) and on television programs that I have been watching. We have to make a decision about how we're going to live our lives. I have really been focusing on what in my life has been separating me from God and from living a Christ-focused and centered life and the more inventory that I take on myself the more I learn and realize there are numerous things I have to change and be more careful about. And they are simply things that I didn't know or hadn't lived enough life to apply to my life before the last two years. But I have been learning so much and growing so much in the areas of my life that needed it the most. And I am of course not finished, I am a work in progress but I feel more in progress than I was 6 or 7 months ago rather than the stalemate I felt that I was in before and during that time. It feels really good. On top of fresh teaching and fresh music I have revisited some old music too. I have been listening to dcTalk, my FAVORITE band growing up and realizing how profound those lyrics are in their 90s and early 2000s songs. When I fisrt got hooked to their music I was in elementary and middle school, their last album came when I was a senior in high school. Looking back now that I am older and have lived more life I can really identify with those lyrics on a whole other level. It feels good to have grown up mentally, physically and spiritually and be able to experience their music in another capacity. All in all things are going so well. I know it is a result of casting all of my cares on the One who cares for me. Without casting my cares on Jesus it's just me and I can't fight my battle alone and many times at all. I am still finding out what my purpose is but now I feel confident in knowing that I have a purpose and that it will be accomplished as long as I stay in God's will. I have know idea where I am headed but I know that God has the map and I am content to follow along.

On To the Next Thing

I made it to the end of my project but not without some difficulty. It has been very hard to remain motivated because a majority of the work has been finished. But while I put together the list of things that had been completed over the last two weeks, I realized that I had accomplished many things that are going to benefit the project. I was really happy that over the last week there were some new resources that proved to be really helpful and some people that proved to be really helpful as well. I'm really happy that a bunch of images and information that we need, we will be able to have. Although I felt terrible last week and this week I didn't feel so great I made it through and I accomplished the things I needed to.

Meanwhile, this afternoon I got unexpected news that the job that I had put in for a few weeks ago wasn't going to be mine. I logged into the website and saw that although my resume had been under review for two weeks, I wasn't chosen for it. It's a disappointment and I was hoping that this time the scenario would turn out differently but I guess this just was not my time or the right job for me. But I have to keep going anyhow. It's especially difficult after the last two weeks when there was so many positive things happening. But I know that not getting this job doesn't cancel out those positive things that have been going on. I have to keep hoping and keep waiting. It's hard but I can't give up. Many cliches apply here (It's always darkest before the dawn) but I know that everything is going to work out the way that it needs to and should.

I believe that even though I thought this job would finally be the victory I had been looking forward to for so long there will be something greater to come at the right time that is exactly what I want and need.

A God Scripted Life

I realize that my blogging has not gotten any better but I have had really good reasons for being off the radar. I developed another head cold last week and I was trying to only be online when I had to and was asleep the rest of the time. But I also had some awesome things happen that were far away from the Internet. The main awesome thing was that I received confirmation that New Jersey ( at least for now, hopefully New York in the future) is where I am supposed to be right now. I was in my new fellowship class at church for the information session and the Lord spoke through one of the ministers there are told me that I was in the right place and that I was going to be planted like a tree by the rivers of water (Psalm 1). I was also told that I was in transition but the transition was complete. I was extremely thrilled by this revelation and it completely changed my outlook on life. Knowing that you are where you're supposed to be is so satisfying because it means that I didn't get here by mistake and I am not far away from where I should be or making guesses about where to go but I am perfectly on track and being led where I need to go. I also went to a conference at church and this past weekend and it was so great. For the last two years I have been going through a lot and I didn't always know why. I got confused, upset, angry, frustrated, depressed, sad, and overwhlemed on a weekly if not daily basis. I got little snippets and insights into what was going on and what I needed to do. But I still didn't know what was going on or what was happening to me. But over a three day weekend I got more insight than I had in a year. I thought back to Pastor Dave's words for me the previous weekend and realized that I was getting the revelation of what was going on the past two years that got me to where I needed to be. I think if I had known all this beforehand I would have just given up somewhere along the way because it was so hard but because I didn't know what was happening I had to keep going because I was desperate to get to a place of understanding and that was not going to happen where I was. So I finally got the revelation of what the process had been and why the process was what it was. I feel like like I am very close to my breakthrough and I feel like a new chapter has begun. I can turn the page on what was or could have been if everything went like I wanted to and just know now that I am in the right place at the right time and I am moving forward to what God had purposed me for: my specific life plan. Last week I was in the bookstore and I was looking for something to read because I had finished all my books at home. I scowered the shelves and looked for titles that seemed to grab my attention. I found several and most of them had to do with trials and circumstances and making it through the difficult times. Then there was one that stood out about having the life that you have always imagined and more. It's called "When God Writes Your Life Story". I put away all those other books and decided that I was going to read about having the life I always wanted not the life of staying in a pit and walking in circles around the same issues. I decided that I wanted to focus on the promise God spoke and that that meant that I was coming out and that I already had victory over this situation. Then I brought the book home and started reading it and realized that not only was that book exactly what I needed but it was confirming things that I had just learned this past weekend at the conference. To live the life you have dreamed of having if not one that is better than what you have imagined you have to be completely sold out for God. You have to center your life completely around him in every way and you have to give yourself over to his will and purpose which is to have relationship with you and to use you for his purpose. Such revelation. One of the key points that the authors Eric and Leslie Ludy point out is that you can't live half in and half out of a Christian life, you have to be completely committed. It seems like a lot to give but what you give is nothing compared to what you gain which is a life with purpose, a personal relationship with God and a life that is scripted in a way that you would never be able to author on your own. Eric and Leslie put you though a spiritual boot camp in their book. The questions are not easy to answer because it involves looking at yourself in a very revealing light. But if you aren't completely honest and open about even your deepest secrets then how can you completely turn your full self over to the Lord? You have to be willing to yield control and exercise strong patience and trust that God can turn you into the person you need, want and were created to be and that you will get to where you need to be when you need to get there. I am so glad to know that things are working even when I can't see them and that patience does work even when it seems to not be.

Galatians 6:9